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  1. #1
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    Default Think I need to stop access

    I'm not sure if I am in the right place or not, I need advice and don't know where to start.... WARNING: this may be a long post!

    I think my ex is incapable of making smart, safe decisions for our children and feel that the time has come for me to cut all ties. something I have always sworn I will never do.

    Last night he had our daughters at a party labeled a p!$$ up. We found out because other friends were at the party and were quick to let DP and I know that our kids were there (everyone sees the girls, including DSD as DP and mine, not steps kids etc) they kept an eye on the girls for me and said they would call if the girls needed to be removed from the party. DD1 starts high school next year. being at a party watching ppl get messy is not ideal at the best of times let alone right before she is about to be exposed to underage drinking etc.

    The girls don't have tooth brushes where they are staying this weekend, without even seeing the girls yet I know that he has not gone a bought some for the girls. DD1 is currently going through $11,000 orthodontic work. she has a twin block at the moment which means if it and her teeth are not brushed it is locking everything on her teeth, meaning they will stain and rot very quickly. Just because he hasn’t brushed his teeth since he was 12 and is not paying any of the $11K bill should not mean he should not give a crap about our kids teeth.

    2 years ago my girls opened up to me that their uncle (Ex's brother, 15 at the time) had been taking pornographic picture of them "for years" and although they did not say that he touched them I do believe that he had from a very early age (something i don't want to go into here). Needless to say I cut all contact with the uncle and ex's parents. The girls are terrified of seeing any of his family, just the mention of them they both go very pale and refuse to even talk about them. Police have been involved and all that jazz... again don’t really want to go into any more detail.

    I told the girls dad right away and made it clear that the girls were to have no contact.

    He asked just last weekend if he can take the girls to dinner out there, his brother won’t be home... "no"

    He wanted to take the girls camping with his family including brother "obviously I will be there to supervise" OMFG Camping? somewhere were some of this abuse that has happened... the only time i would want to go camping with his brother is if I was going to bury him out there!

    He has regular dinners with the family.. how do you sit across the table from the boy who has done this to your children???

    He has been traveling around Australia sleeping in the back of a station wagon for the last 7 months, how he can do that on the dole I don't know, our tax dollars at work ppl! one phone call the whole 7 months. He came back just after DD2 10th birthday stating that he is having the kids for the weekend. DD2 didn't want to go at first (which I support) but decided at the last minute she would go.

    DP asked what he got her for a gift? "when I asked him about it he said, isn't the fact that I cut my holiday short enough for you" Are you F'n serious?! I know presents are not everything but really,... 1 it was her birthday and 2 you have just travelled around Australia and you did not buy a single thing for your kids????

    I keep hearing more and more little things from the girls which makes me think he is incapable of making mature choices. the girls have needed to say to him a few times that something is not safe or not ok to do.

    I am truly at the point that I think he is doing more harm than good. he has come and gone from their lives from the start, I have always thought that it is best to let the girls decide on if they want to see him knowing that they will eventually see him for who he is (DD2 is already there).

    DP is really sad at the moment, he opened up over dinner on Friday night. He is worried about how long until he disappears again and breaks the girls hearts again. we are the ones that need to get them through the emotions and need to dry the tears not their Dad. DP said it just breaks his heart everytime they go and he knows that the girls are not being looked after properly.

    Someone tell me what you would do? Sometimes I think he wants me to stop the access so that I am the bad guy, right now I think it is the right thing to do....

  2. #2
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    wow, huge hugs for all of you.

    At ages 11 and 9, i would sit down with them and ask what they wanted and then make it happen.

    Perhaps they would prefer just seeing him for 1 day and no nights?

    Perhaps they would prefer to not see him for a while?

    Perhaps they would prefer 1 night a month instead of whole weekends?

    I know at 8, my son is often reluctant to go and see his bio dad, but, he does have a good time (mostly) and he is not at risk so i do insist he goes. I can see though, that in years to come he will opt to just see him for the day and not overnight.

    I would maybe see if you could see a family counsellor, spend some time altogether and then let the girls speak to them in private. Maybe the counsellor could then make some recommendations? The counsellor would also be a great source of help if/when he does take off again.

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    Default Think I need to stop access

    I would get a DVO out straight away. He is endangering your children And it isn't right.

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    Default Think I need to stop access

    Firstly hugs, what a sh!t situation and secondly, I know plenty of well adjusted kids who are better off for not having anything to do with their biological fathers. He sounds like a total ****!

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    Default Think I need to stop access

    I would not let my kids spend nights in that situation. I might let day visits if the girls wanted that.
    I can't wrap my head around your situation, I'm so sorry your girls and you have had to deal with an ex and a family like his

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    Default Think I need to stop access

    I think they (him and his family) in someways brainwashed ( if that is even the right term) me very early on. I was only 19 when dd1 came into the world and my father died when I was 6 months pregnant. They convinced me that I was useless and that I only had them. I was on my own from when Dd1 was one and I was was pregnant with dd2 for 7 years before meeting my amazing dp.

    I was always so determined to not be one of those mums that stop their kids from seeing their dad. I use to drop off and pick up the kids, provided all their food, nappies, clothing even paid him to spend time with his own children. When he moved to Melbourne I paid for all of the flights and book them for times that would suit him. I have always worked and studied whilst he lives on the dole.

    I know dd2 would happily never see him again, she sees her step father as her dad. Dd1 has started pubity and is very confused about everything, is she going to think it is ok for a man to come and go as he pleases?

    I think counselling is a great idea, but he wouldn't show I know that already. I know my post sounds like he puts them in danger, it is a snap shot of what he is like , if I thought they would get hurt or that he would take them to his parents I would stop it all immediately . They are amazing, smart girls who know what is right and wrong and are (now) brave enough to say no to their father when he suggests stupid things. I am sure he has the intelligence of a 8 year old ( I'm not meaning to be nasty when i say that, I mean it) just don't know if I have the right to say 'no more'

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    Default Think I need to stop access

    Oh you poor thing. I can imagine the internal struggle you have

    I have to say that if it were me in this situation, I'd be unable to think rationally and I'd definitely be cutting off all contact.

    However, logically I know it's important for children to have contact with both parents where possible.

    What a crap situation. I'm so sorry.

    I think that reasonable steps for now would definitely be to stop overnight stays, day only.

    What does the ex want? Deep down, do you think he really wants a relationship with his daughters?
    What will his reaction be if you asked him to stay away?

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    Default Think I need to stop access

    I know if I stopped the access he wouldn't stop it because it would be to hard to fight. Maybe part of me doesn't want him to prove me right?
    He can go months without contact as it is. His ex wife (who he started seeing when he and I were together) has a 5 year old son to him. He ignores her calls and messages but will out of the blue decide he wants to see his son , her and I now friends and of course we tell each other what he plans with the kids. She has moved back to Melbourne with their son and he has not tried to make contact with him in months. She has seen all the struggles I have gone through over the years and does not want the same for them. She has decided not to respond if he ever does pick up the phone and try to contact them. I wish I had the same option.

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    Default Think I need to stop access

    That's hard
    I assume the ex lives close by?

    How do you think you'd feel making really minimal visits?

    Such as a day visit each school holidays + birthdays + Christmas time?

    I guess I only suggest that for your daughters... so they feel they know their father... or do you think they'd be better off without seeing him at all?

    Would he be able to not see them at all? Or would he attempt sporadic visits, which might get confusing for the kids?

    So hard

  10. #10
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    Default Think I need to stop access

    He lives an hour and half out of town, I have made it that he must pick up and drop off the girls and I refuse to drive them. Before he went on holidays he cancelled a few visits at the last minute because he couldn't get them. When the girls have said they don't want to see him for a weekend I have suggested he just spend the day and he says 'its not worth it' part of me says that's him showing his true colours, another doesn't want the girls to be let down. Dp says they are old enough now and I should stop protecting them so much... Dp drives 3 hours each way every second Friday to pick up DSD and then again on the Sunday to drop her off. He spends every second he can with her and the girls, I think that is what dd2 notices is different between her 2 dads. One won't let anything stop him from seeing his girls one looks for things to stop him


 

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