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  1. #1
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    Default I hope my children never feel this way about me.

    I'm going to have a vent about my mother. Just a warning.

    My mother loves me as a mother loves a child I guess and adores her grandchildren, but I am afraid I never want my children to feel the way about me as I do about her. We are so different and grow apart constantly. I'm not the only person who notices this about her either.
    - she is incredibly vain and obsessed with appearance. For example she is getting an eye operation next month to straighten a crooked eye but it means her vision will be blurry and she will be dizzy for the rest of her life. She lied to the doctor in order to be accepted for the operation. She wants perfectly straight eyes for photos. I have the same condition so I get it but I have told her she is never going to be alone with my kids if she can't see properly.
    - She is narrow-minded and racist even though she says she isn't. I'm married to an Asian man and he and my mother could not be more different. She likes him but I know she'd have rathered me marry an Aussie. I won't go into her views on "abo's and muso's (Aborigines and Muslims)". She tries to bite her tongue around me but can't help herself at times.
    - She is a woman who doesn't like other women. So sad.
    - My brother is her favourite and I am constantly reminded how hard he works and how much pressure he is under. Like my life is so easy. He doesn't work hard. He has been lucky marrying into a wealthy family. My parents lost their home because of my brother but I am still the bad one because she knew I used to drink with my uni friends (she's a conservative Christian). Meanwhile, my brother is a tattooed, hard-drinking, chain-smoking guy but she wouldn't believe it even if she saw it with her eyes. Funnily, I harbor no ill-will towards my brother. I work my butt off both in and out of the home but that doesn't count because I'm a woman and women aren't supposed to work while raising children If only I'd married a rich guy, huh?
    - She has been a Christian all her life with my father but it's just surface stuff I've realised. She doesn't truly live by it but thinks she does.
    - She hates Facebook and will attack me at EVERY opportunity for using it. Last week we had a coffee when my parents visited and some really old bikies rocked up to the cafe. I mentioned casually that it would be cool to be so old not to care and take up a dangerous hobby because motorbike riding is statistically pretty dangerous. Next minute I was being told that it's just like Facebook, facebook is so dangerous etc. Relevant?????
    - She does things and always says it wasn't her or makes up an excuse. For example, she was ironing something at my place and accidentally switched off the fish tank switch which is next to the iron. I noticed a while later and mentioned it - I wasn't upset or angry, just letting her know for the future but she said "I didn't do that". Yes, she did, she was the only one who could have. There are lots of things like this. Last week she went shopping with my brother and she opened the door onto another car and left a fair sized mark. My brother left a note but she went nuts about it blaming her bad eyesight and that people do it to her all the time.
    - Every time she visits is just a battle - she comes to see the grandkids but it just gets frostier between us. I am not going to talk to her about these things - I've tried, my dad has tried, and my brother has tried. She ends up playing the victim in tears and it is honestly not worth it.
    I feel terrible because I do need her help a couple of times a year to look after the kids if I have to do something like get a medical test or something. I don't waant to feel this way about my mother - I would love a comfortable mother-daughter relationship but it will never be. It has never been close in a personal sense. I have a son and a daughter and I want to be close to them and have them know I can talk to them about anything. I don't want to be like my mother and this makes me so sad.

  2. #2
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    Default I hope my children never feel this way about me.

    wow, she sounds like a handful! Sometimes it's better to distance yourself away from people that stress you out, even if that person is your mother. At least know you know what NOT to do around your children, hope it all works out xx

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    Default I hope my children never feel this way about me.

    Get another arrangement for helping out with your kids. Then don't let your mother do/say unacceptable things around you. Refuse to listen. Call her out. For example, if she dints a car door and wants to do a runner say "that's not nice, that's not very Christian of you.". If she says something racist say "that is racist and totally unacceptable in this day and age. Do not speak like that around me."

    If you be consistent, your mum will probably learn to curb her behaviors. But you need to put yourself in a position where you aren't relying on her for anything (childcare).

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    Default I hope my children never feel this way about me.

    Oh wow, your relationship sounds just like mine with my mum only for different reasons.

    Sometimes I get so mad at my mum, and I want to call her and just let her have it all, so does my DH. Other times I just accept that she is the way she is and always has been. She always told me she didn't want to raise her kids like her mother raised her and she is exactly her.

    I take it as a lesson to remember how much I am going to try with my kids once they are adults. She's mum and always will be and the only thing women like us who want more of a stable loving relationship with our kids is to not be like they are. It's something I've always sworn I'll never do , I'll never be like my mum and I have become the complete opposite.

    All we can do is love them, accept that they are idiots and move on....

    I'm still trying the moving on part....

    But I seriously wish you the best of luck with her because I fully understand how it feels. Xx

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    Update - from bad to worse.

    Last week I was talking to her about our plans to buy a house and how much DH and I have saved for a deposit. It's not a lot and she said DH should have more to contribute because most men at his age have some money (he's 46). DH hates me talking about his personal stuff and he doesn't have assets or much money because of a bad business decision in his thirties and he had to help his mum out for years. I sent her a text wording it nicely as I know how sensitive she is. I asked her not to say that, that she doesn't know DH's financial history and criticism doesn't sit well at the moment as we are under a bit of pressure. Well! I got texts back saying she was shocked and floored! I called her and tried to calmly explain that I wish she wouldn't criticize DH and she started crying and going on with the "everyone criticizes me" nonsense. Finally she said she can feel the hatred from me loud and clear. I ended the call at this point. I haven't spoken to her for 4 days. I did send a text saying i dont know why she thinks i hate her - i love her and dad and that's why I'm upset if we don't get along. My dad FINALLY got a chance to call me today without her around. She'd gone for her walk and forgotten
    their mobile. He said he doesn't know what's wrong with her. She is always flying off the handle at him and she thinks he and everyone else hates her. The other day he asked her not to speak so harshly to him and she went nuts. My dad is such a lovely person, but very laid back and scatterbrained. It's sometimes a bit annoying but the way she speaks to him is horrid. I told him I'm over it - dad, DH, my brother and I and SIL don't fight with each other and mum is the common denominator in every family drama. Nobody can reason with her or get her to seek help. I told dad and my brother that next time
    I speak to her, if ever, I'll tell her the following: I am willing to put up with a few of her issues IF she seeks professional help. If she doesn't, then I don't want her in my life. No good can come of our conversations if she thinks I hate her and breaks down being a victim every time. I think she has a persecution complex or some kind of delusion and needs help. She is acting like a child and I don't have the time or energy for that crap. It's so sad

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    Default I hope my children never feel this way about me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hari View Post
    Update - from bad to worse.

    Last week I was talking to her about our plans to buy a house and how much DH and I have saved for a deposit. It's not a lot and she said DH should have more to contribute because most men at his age have some money (he's 46). DH hates me talking about his personal stuff and he doesn't have assets or much money because of a bad business decision in his thirties and he had to help his mum out for years. I sent her a text wording it nicely as I know how sensitive she is. I asked her not to say that, that she doesn't know DH's financial history and criticism doesn't sit well at the moment as we are under a bit of pressure. Well! I got texts back saying she was shocked and floored! I called her and tried to calmly explain that I wish she wouldn't criticize DH and she started crying and going on with the "everyone criticizes me" nonsense. Finally she said she can feel the hatred from me loud and clear. I ended the call at this point. I haven't spoken to her for 4 days. I did send a text saying i dont know why she thinks i hate her - i love her and dad and that's why I'm upset if we don't get along. My dad FINALLY got a chance to call me today without her around. She'd gone for her walk and forgotten
    their mobile. He said he doesn't know what's wrong with her. She is always flying off the handle at him and she thinks he and everyone else hates her. The other day he asked her not to speak so harshly to him and she went nuts. My dad is such a lovely person, but very laid back and scatterbrained. It's sometimes a bit annoying but the way she speaks to him is horrid. I told him I'm over it - dad, DH, my brother and I and SIL don't fight with each other and mum is the common denominator in every family drama. Nobody can reason with her or get her to seek help. I told dad and my brother that next time
    I speak to her, if ever, I'll tell her the following: I am willing to put up with a few of her issues IF she seeks professional help. If she doesn't, then I don't want her in my life. No good can come of our conversations if she thinks I hate her and breaks down being a victim every time. I think she has a persecution complex or some kind of delusion and needs help. She is acting like a child and I don't have the time or energy for that crap. It's so sad
    Omg are we secret sisters? U have described my mum perfectly.

    Does my head in but nothing I can do apart from cut her off... But then I would be the bad one :-(

    I hope u work it out! xx

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    Hari  (02-12-2012)

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    Default I hope my children never feel this way about me.

    So sorry to hear all this :-( mothers can be a real nightmare can't they! I haven't spoken to mine for nearly a year now and I'm so much happier! Yes, I probably look like 'the bad one' but the strain on my sanity wasn't worth the hassle! I really hope you mange to get through this! Big hugs xxx

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    Default Re: I hope my children never feel this way about me.

    I am lucky that my Mum is not like this but I just wanted to ask...who is going to think that you are "the bad one"? Is it just your Mum? If so, it seems like you expect difficult and tense relations with your Mum no matter what... Sheesh!

    I guess my thoughts are that it is not have to be about one person being bad etc...

    I wonder if you could you perhaps allow yourself to do what you need to do to have a nice, calm and peaceful life right now without buying into this idea that you will be targeted as the bad guy by your Mum...it seems like you already put up with this kind of stuff... What would be best for you ?

    Sent from my GT-I9100 using BubHub
    Last edited by Albert01; 02-12-2012 at 23:49.

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    Default I hope my children never feel this way about me.



    I can't relate to you in regards to my mother, she is great... Has her moments!! But it's nothing like what you have described your mother to be.
    I'm so sorry

    My MIL is so much like what you have described your mother to be.
    She is also a dedicated Christian (not that I have anything against religion!) but she plays the 'holier than thou' card and is very racist etc.. But if we so one thing out of line she cries and prays for us.. Causes a huge drama about it all but she will do the same things herself.. Hard to explain but it does my head in.
    I see how much it effects Dh and for the first 4 years of our relationship all our fights stemmed from her.
    Dh is the eldest and we are now seeing his siblings go through what he went through, it's heart breaking

    My dad has many unknown mental issues.
    He is a mess.. He really has destroyed parts of my life.
    He was such a strong part of my life, very supportive, loving.. I felt as though I was his world.
    I turned 18, he left my mum moved to Russia and married someone a couple of years older than me.
    When I got engaged so did he.
    When I got married so did he.
    When I had my baby.. So did he.
    He was never around for any of these milestones.
    He has so much money but really did leave me at 18, promised me to help me out financially to Finnish my career choice but never did.
    I'm still suffering financially for it as he also took off to Russia so quickly my mum wasn't left with anything, she was to depressed to work so I had to support her for a long time.
    She had a few suicide attempts which hurt me in ways that will never be forgotten.
    My mum has only just moved out and gotten back in her feet.
    My dad also had slept with many of my childhood friends mothers.. Causing their breakups when everything came out so I lost my friends, I have lost family... I lost a part of me.
    All I have is my mum. I'm so great full for it.
    But it hurts me every day when my dad never calls for my birthday or DD's.
    he has seen me twice in 4 years..
    He left me with his Australian debts, he is in Russia and refuses to pay them but my mum is on some of those debts and they only way to get her back on her feet was to just lay some of them, which has not left Dh and I a very good start financially to our lives.. So many things.. I feel like he is living the life he has ripped from me.
    Left me to pick up his pieces.. Left my wonderful mother to turn into a scared lady who never wants to live again out of having no trust left.
    There are nicer ways to leave a marriage.. I wish my dad was the person I grew up thinking he was.. He will never change and even if he did change he can't fix the damage he has caused.
    In a way I feel like he has gone forever.. I still feel like I mourn him, sound stupid I know.. But one second he was there and supportive.. The next second he was just gone.

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  13. #10
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    Default Re: I hope my children never feel this way about me.

    I can relate, my mum is so much like this!
    Its hard but i just distance myself from her crap as much as i can

    P.S. Sorry for the random likes...my phone was having a hissy fit :/

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using BubHub


 

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