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  1. #1
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    Default SIL with severe issues - enough already!

    This is probably going to be a bit long so please bear with me-

    5yrs ago dh and I announced we were expecting our first child after 2 attempts of IVF, SIL was a bit funny towards us from then on. She was in her mid 40's when deciding she wanted children attempting IVF to then decide she would not pursue it on drs advice. Our expected ds was the first grandchild on dh's side of the family.

    In the following few months I got a job transfer and so we packed up ready to move half way around Australia. We had been using dh's parents trailer which was a quarter full of rubbish which we hadn't emptied yet, this was going to be the absolute last thing for us to do upon moving out of our house and then we would take it back to dh's parents.

    SIL and BIL wanted to use the trailer and kept ringing MIL about it. We told MIL we hadn't yet finished with it but SIL kept ringing her about when they could have it. Dh got sick of it and told his mum to tell them they could come and get the trailer but we hadn't taken it to the tip yet and it was a quarter full of rubbish. Next thing BIL comes over, I was there when dh told BIL that we hadn't emptied it yet as we really weren't finished with it, BIL was fine, took the trailer and left. Next thing MIL rings dh to say SIL isn't happy, she wasn't aware the trailer had rubbish in it and why hadn't we emptied it and instead her BIL had to empty it himself and pay $25 tip fee saying it was disgrace on our behalf.

    The issues I see so far are;
    1. SIL should have rang dh in the first place re trailer as perhaps MIL relayed things incorrectly.
    2. BIL should have said something to dh if he had an issue rather than go home *****ing to SIL.
    4. SIL should have called dh instead of going through their mum.
    3. They should have been more patient in the first place and just wait for us to finish with the trailer, it was only a week til we moved.

    So SIL stopped speaking to dh altogether because of the trailer incident so she says. Or is it??? I find it hard to comprehend a person can hold a grudge over such a thing.

    Ds was born, we got no card, no gift, no congratulations, no hospital visit. Soon after ds was hospitalised for 10 days, no well wishes or anything!

    Christmas day SIL and BIL turn up for xmas lunch and they completely ignore us when we say hello. So I have it out with SIL after the new year asking her what her issue is and how it's terrible she treats her brother like that and we particularly think it's rude to be ignored and it's not the sort of behaviour we want our ds to witness, I won't tolerate her treatment towards us in front of him. She carries on about the trailer incident and says she won't forget it until dh apologises. I argue that he has nothing to apologise for and tell her how pathetic she is being over such a thing.

    So the following christmas's she and BIL don't turn up but leave presents for ds for xmas's and his birthday's. They don't attend any outings, ds's christening, bdays or anything else we organise.

    On occassions SIL does happen to turn up while I am visiting MIL, MIL swoops ds up to go to SIL for a cuddle. On this one day ds was helping me with the washing, MIL comes and swoops ds up and says "aunty **** is here". I say "no, he can stay here, if she wants to see him she can come out here". Well I was popular then!! MIL argues with me later telling me I'm being unfair. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Ds2 arrives. Again there is no acknowledgement of his arrival.
    Xmas day and the other SIL arrives with presents for the boys from SIL.
    I exploded saying "she can't come here herself and she gets you to deliver her presents, enough is enough, she can't not want to be involved in their lives by getting to know the boys so she can't think it's ok to think buying them presents makes up for it, this has gone on long enough and we are fed up"

    Dh and I have both tried to sort it out with her but it's got to the point where it's got out of hand. Our boys don't even know who she is. It hurts dh that his sister is the way she is but he is so fed up too.

    We recently went to a funeral on the weekend and a wake afterwards where SIL again didn't acknowledge us or interact at all with the boys which is what I expected but quite frankly it's gone on too long now that I am over it all and actually dislike her now because of it and won't make the effort at all anymore, once upon a time I suggested to MIL that she organise SIL to visit when we were in the city and we would go out and leave the boys with her so she could spend some time with them but that never evolved and it's got to the point now that I don't want the boys having her in their lives because of the person she is. She actually turned her back on dh a few times if they happened to be part of the same conversation that night.

    Thoughts.... MIL and the other SIL think that dh and I are the unreasonable ones here especially when we mentioned we should send presents back to her this year if she leaves them for the boys. We are just so fed up. It's been 5.5yrs now!

  2. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Blessedwith3boys For This Useful Post:

    Boobycino  (12-11-2012),Kiplusthree  (13-11-2012)

  3. #2
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    Wow, she really does sound immature. I would send the presents back too. I wouldn't accept anything from them at all. If she doesn't wish to be part of their lives (the boys) or their special days (christening etc), then I wouldn't want her so called gifts.

    Unfortunately we can't choose family. which is a shame.

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    Kiplusthree  (13-11-2012)

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    Default SIL with severe issues - enough already!

    Jealousy is a curse... You probably have everything she ever wanted and she would rather resent you than be happy for you, maybe it's easier for her to deal with that way. Hugs its a sh!t situation to be in.

  6. #4
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    Wow. Just wow. She sounds like a complete cow. I wouldnt give a rats what your MIL thinks about it, its your SIL who is being stupid. Good luck with such a shotty situation.

  7. #5
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    Default SIL with severe issues - enough already!

    That's just foolish. To play the devils advocate I suppose after the trailer incident you could have just said 'sorry for the inconvenice but I told mil the trailer was not empty.' And offered the $25 as you would have spent that anyway.

    But like you said you needed it were in the middle of using it. Why did she feel so entitled to it?

    Gah these stories make me so angry. I feel for you - truly. My only suggestion may be for you or maybe dh to write a letter. Saying something along the lines of sorry if the trailer situation effected you so much. Will either of you had no intention to insult or upset her. You want to put the past behind you, start fresh amd for her to have a relationship with her nephews but if she truly does not want that then please stop with the presents and meetings.

    I find letters can be easier as you can hold your emotion back. At least it will either get better or end.

  8. #6
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    It all sounds so petty. I think your MIL has made it worse by passing on SIL's gripes about the trailer etc. I hate it when people needlessly pass on stuff like that. It just fuels drama. She should have just told SIL, well you were told it had rubbish still as they hadn't finished with it. Your choice to wait until its empty, or take now, you chose to take it now, so quit whinging. Or else not get in the middle and get DH and SIL to just organise the trailer business themselves.

    I'd be telling DH to just talk to his sister already and clear the air. Maybe there is more to it than you realise.

  9. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Meld85 View Post
    That's just foolish. To play the devils advocate I suppose after the trailer incident you could have just said 'sorry for the inconvenice but I told mil the trailer was not empty.' And offered the $25 as you would have spent that anyway.
    We had something like this happen with DP's dad. He was storing his trailer at my DP's house. When I moved in we had a massive clean up and used the trailer several times. However on the last load we had he wanted the trailer back. We told him we werent finished with it yet but he came and took it anyways. He paid to empty it and then asked us for the money.
    I laughed in his face. Not a chance I was going to pay for a half filled trailer that we still needed to put more stuff in. He still carries on about it 2 years later and I jsut tell him everytime, if he had waited until we were finished we would have paid for it. But he couldnt wait so thats his problem.

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  11. #8
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    It is really unfair on you guys but she sounds absolutely miserable and jealous that your IFV worked and hers didn't. She obviously can't handle been around your sons as it reminds her of what she can't have (not that this is the right thing for her to do). I have the same thing going on with my SIL but have to somewhat ignore it. I sympathise when she has tried to get pregnant an couldn't. I have to just get on with it when she didn't buy anything for DS2 he was born (I let hubby know!) and I am very lucky that I have a supportive MIL that reminds her that it isn't fair she can't conceive but we are not to be made feel guilty that we can.

    I can see your MIL feels awful for her daughter but needs to also stand up for her and remind her that your and DH should not miss out.

    It is a really tough situation but if I was you, I would keep been pleasant but a little distant and let her be the badly behaved one. You then can't be blamed for anything. I think the whole trailer hoo haa is just an excuse to have a go at you guys because she is so feeling so miserable and jealous and it's easier to be angry at your over something as silly as a trailer then admit to the truth. Just tried to be empathetic and kind but also firm with her when she is behaving badly.

  12. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by missie_mack View Post
    as difficult a situation it is perhaps your Dh has to stand up and deal with his sister because the way it has been dealt with hasn't worked

    from a galaxy far far away...
    DH has done just that. We have both tried on separate occassions.

  13. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Meld85 View Post
    That's just foolish. To play the devils advocate I suppose after the trailer incident you could have just said 'sorry for the inconvenice but I told mil the trailer was not empty.' And offered the $25 as you would have spent that anyway.

    But like you said you needed it were in the middle of using it. Why did she feel so entitled to it?

    Gah these stories make me so angry. I feel for you - truly. My only suggestion may be for you or maybe dh to write a letter. Saying something along the lines of sorry if the trailer situation effected you so much. Will either of you had no intention to insult or upset her. You want to put the past behind you, start fresh amd for her to have a relationship with her nephews but if she truly does not want that then please stop with the presents and meetings.

    I find letters can be easier as you can hold your emotion back. At least it will either get better or end.
    Yes we did write an email too explaining all you mentioned.
    We also did leave the $25 for her at MIL's.


 

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