Ugh! Just really needing to vent right now!
DH and I have really struggled since DD came along four months ago. He is wonderful in many ways and I love him dearly. We've been together a long time for our relatively young ages (me in my 20s, him in his 30s) and we've been through more than any other couple I know. We've always made it through and I know we will make it through this...but I'm just really frustrated right now.
When DD arrived I was suffering severe PTSD and it took me a while to get past it. He was my rock during that period. He looked after DD when I couldn't and was there for me as much as possible. Once I got better and started coping...he crashed. He became a different person. He completely shut off from everything, wouldn't speak to me, wouldn't look at DD when he came home and just spent all his time on the computer. I felt like the house was falling down around me and I had to cope with all of that as well as a new baby. He has suffered depression in the past, i actually don't think he's ever really gotten over it. And I figured it was rearing it's ugly head again. We almost separated, for a while there we were discussing how to separate property and things like that, it got that bad. Eventually we both realised we still wanted to be together and make this family work, and ever since then he's been seeing a psychologist. He has been better, and it helps that DD is older, much easier and just a little joy to be around. She adores her daddy and they have their own special time together. He's been much better with helping around the house and has even done a lot of things without me having to ask (a miracle for him!). But we're still really struggling on one thing. If I do have an off day, and I've had a few of them with DD teething, he disappears again. I make sure to NEVER take my frustrations out on him - I do not do it. I don't snap at him unnecessarily, I grew up experiencing a lot of that from my mother and I swore I'd never do it to anyone else. He cannot say I snap at him because I just don't. But if he comes home and I'm tired and sleep deprived and I sound exasperated when I speak, he takes it so personally. I'm basically just expressing what a hard time I'm having or what a bad day I've had and he actually gets crabby at me and HE snaps at ME. when I have not said anything derogatory to him in ANY way. Today I wasn't even crabby and I still copped it. He was going outside to fix a sheet of corrugated iron on the shed roof that had come loose. Because he hates any form of outdoor work whatsoever, he always takes his iPod out with him to make it more bearable. I hate that he does this, to my way of thinking it's part of life, just get out there and do it. He has major problems focusing and just can't do anything without some form of technology in his hand . Yesterday he was washing the cars, once again headphones in his ears. DD was having a bit of a meltdown and I needed his help, I was cooking something which was about to boil over and I had a crying baby, I just needed him to give me a hand. But when I yelled out he couldn't hear me because of those damn headphones. I let it go - since we've been trying to work things out I've been picking my battles. I'm trying to support him in getting past his depression because when I'm happy and supportive he is MUCH better to be around. But today, DD is once again a little cranky due to teething. He was heading outside to fix the roof and I saw him grab his headphones. I said, calmly, "Do you have to take your iPod all the time?" I went on to say that it's hard when I need his help with DD and he can't hear me, but I didn't get very far because he yanked his headphones out, yelled "FINE!" and threw them across the kitchen. He went to storm out but once again I stayed calm and tried to tell him that wasn't necessary, I'm just trying to address an issue with him, we have a child, he can't just tune out on weekends now and do whatever he wants, he has to be 'switched on'. I'm switched on 24 f-ing hours a day, I NEVER just tune out even when DD is asleep and I'm trying to steal some precious time for myself, I'm ALWAYS thinking about her and staying alert in case she wakes up. He's just not like that. At times it's like he forgets she's even around and just does whatever he wants. This morning she was in the bouncer, which she is getting a little big for. Since she's trying to sit up, she can lift her shoulders out of it and I'm thinking that soon it will be a little unsafe. I left the room to do something as DH was still in the room with her, but he didn't think to stay there and watch over her, he just wandered off doing something he wanted to do.
He's not a bad dad, most of the time he's really good and we've come a long way with our issues. But I feel like he's slipping a bit at the moment, I know he'll get there and I know he has come so far from what he used to be but I'm just not sure how to address this. I don't know if I should just wait it out and assume he's going through a bad patch or sit him down and try and talk to him about it, let him know that I've noticed he's slipping into his old ways and is there anything on his mind that he needs to talk about.
Just needed to let that out!