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  1. #1
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    Default Feel so guilty

    DD is 5 months old and all my friends at this age are already considering more kids. I've always wanted 2 so they have companionship but now that I have one, I can't imagine going through all this again.

    It was an average pregnancy, easy labour and she's overall a pretty good bub. Had a rough patch with sleeping which knocked me about for the first 3 months but so many people have had much worse.

    Fell pregnant pretty much straight away too.

    So I feel really guilty that the reason I don't want another is that I really hated the sleep deprivation and going through the newborn 'living hell' stage. Because I am too selfish to make another baby DD will miss out on a sibling. It's not because I can't conceive, not because it was a difficult labour, not because of financial reasons, it's just because it was too hard for me.

    How can I explain that to my little girl when grows up and asks why she doesn't have a brother or a sister?

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    Default Re: Feel so guilty

    You need to give yourself a break, your baby is practically a newborn, your life has just changed dramatically. I felt exactly how you do, but I did have a traumatic birth with my first, thought I would never do it again. When DD1 was 2 we decided we were ready. There is no way, when she was 5m I would have even considered ever having more kids. I also have friends that have said they want another straight away, and you know what, good for them, but I find the sleep deprivation too much. I am glad we have a 3yr age gap, I got to know my little girl so well, I see Mums struggle with two small kids and am not envious at all. If you only decide to have 1, that is okay too, there is no guarantee that siblings will be friends anyway. Just enjoy your baby, time really does go too fast, worry about what matters today.

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    I have 6 kids now, it was 6 years after my first child before I had my second. This not a decision you have to make right now. I know I couldn't go through another pregnancy right now. my bub is six month old.

    It is ok if you decide to only have one child.
    Last edited by LoveLivesHere; 04-11-2012 at 14:18. Reason: fixing

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    Default Feel so guilty

    I will have a 5 year age gap between my DD1 and the next one 26w preg. I am glad I have been able to give my DD1 the time and attention I wanted to before having another. She was also just starting to ask for a sibling and is much more forgiving re: when I feel unwell, tired etc. don't rush, do what is right for you!

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    I second what mummaoj said. There is absolutely no reason in the world that you need to make a decision now about if / when and how many babies you want to have!. Take this time to enjoy your first little one and worry about the rest as and when you are ready. All you need to do is worry about what is right for you and your family.

    I also had friends that knew very early on that they wanted more kids and I couldn't understand it at all. Personally I would have rather had myself committed than even consider another child when dd1 was 5 months old

    DH and I always said either none or 2 children, then when dd1 was born we spent a year saying 'nothing wrong with an only child!'. She was a shocking sleeper, pregnancy does not agree with me and I don't cope terribly well with sleep deprivation so I couldn't imagine going through all that again. It took until dd1 was 18 months old before we started to say well maaaaaybe one day we could do it again

    We did end up having a second one when dd1 was 3.5. I was lucky that I had a better pregnancy second time around and dd2 was a better feeder and sleeper but there is no way I will be going back for number 3. IMO the age gap is perfect, I had time alone with dd2 while dd1 was at kindy and dd1 was old enough to understand that babies do need a lot of time and we didn't get any jealousy issues at all. She was also old enough to be a real help!. They are far enough apart in age that they are at different stages so we don't get a lot of competitiveness but they are close enough that they are great friends (although this may well have more to do with personality types rather than age gaps!). Dd1 is now at school so I have three days a week with dd2 when I am not working to do swimming and play group etc.

    But you know what?. I still think there are a lot of benefits to having an only child too and I would have been quite comfortable going down that path if we had decided to.

    At the end of the day only you can decide what is right for your family, but don't feel pressured by what other people are doing or saying ( and they may just be saying, you never know what goes on behind closed doors, some of them are probably struggling with exhaustion too but don't want to admit it).

    Enjoy this precious time with your baby!

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    Cnic - i feel similar to you, however My DS is just at 3 months old. It sounds like we had very similar pregnancies ect.

    i am going to have another baby, just not right now. We had always planned on having two, and while I cant imagine doing it all again, i will do it. I just remind myself of how we want our family to look in 5 years. I also try to focus on when the kids will be bigger instead of the handful they will be in the first few months.

    dont stress yourself out too much. Just enjoy your little one for now.

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    Give yourself a break - you're only just out of the newborn stage. I tackle the same emotions, my DS is 10 months.

    You might feel differently one day or you might not. Don't over think it right now though.

    That's what I try to keep telling myself too.

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    I have several friends who only have 1 child (by choice), and they're raising their kids to be happy, well loved, sociable little people.

    Children don't 'need' a sibling and, as others have said, having one doesn't guarantee a good relationship between them!

    Being an only child never held back Anthony Hopkins, or Daniel Radcliffe, or Condoleezza Rice, or Al Pacino, or Charlize Theron, Elvis Presley, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Frank Sinatra, Leonardo da Vinci, Natalie Portman, Gandhi, Isaac Newton, John Lennon ... (I could keep going...)

    Don't feel bad, OP. You should make whatever decision sits right with you. And don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to, just because of something you think your child may think.

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    I felt pretty much the same as you. There's 3yrs 11mths between DD and my now 7 mth DS😉. Give it time Hun x x x

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    I felt exactly the same! There was no way in the first year of DS's life that I would contemplate having another bub. I can't comprehend how people manage when they have a baby and their first is only a year old. DS was so dependent at that age, even up until he was 2 or so he just took too much work and he was a very chill baby.

    Now that he's older and can do many things for himself it's not such a hard choice. I mean sure, older children still require a lot of work but he's able to go to the toilet himself, get himself a museli bar or a piece of fruit out of the fridge if he's hungry or even pick a book out to read.
    Those little things will be very important while I'm trying to breastfeed a hungry newborn or change a poosplosion.

    Don't feel guilty, I felt bad for keeping DS as an only child for so long (he SO wanted someone to play with!) but the fact of the matter is that I know what I can cope with as a parent and TWO young children at once would simply be too much work for me.


 

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