Most days I'm ok that my eldest child has autism, but recently I'm so over it. So mad about it. Autism holds all of the family hostage and we all do what we can to appease it , to stop the melt downs to keep my son on an even keel so his autism stays happy.
I hate to say that my son is an autistic. He is so much more and yet his autism can play havoc with that beautiful boy and this family.
We have all been doing well with RDI therapy but its not a cure and it is long term, my son is doing so well but it's so exhausting . All day I'm at the mercy of his demands and I'm beginning to get annoyed. As he grows older the pure lack of respect for me is wearing me down.
My question is how much of this behavior can I excuse and how much is the personality of my child.?
I'm sick of being yelled at if I sing. I'm sick of not being able to listen to music of he doesn't want me too. I'm sick of being woken in the night to a nearly 4 year old screaming his demands and at the same time not understanding what is wrong . I love him but I'm sick of his autism and how it runs my life. Puts my two other kids prioritys second. Teaches my other two kids that screaming gets you mummy and not asking nicely.
I'm Sick of changing nappies with 4 year old poo in,sick of him refusing to brush teeth , cut or wash hair, cut nails ... Sick of the muderous screams he lets out if we try.
I am proud of how I have handled my son since birth, I've always been calm and loving and seen this as a challenge where I need I be patient . But I'm sleep deprived and have a newborn also and I wish I could just extract the autism and flush it away.
I have had enough and I'm feeling guilty for my son. I love him I don't want to be mad but I can't help it right now.... I'm sick of being bossed around 24/7 by a 4 year old who is rude to me . I don't even know if he understands love . But I love him so so much it breaks my heart to think he suffers so , I feel bad as I know he could be a lot worse and I do feel like he has a good future if i stay calm , stick with the RDI , show him love and not expect him to show it back much..... But how do I do it year in year out ? I'm feeling guilty and at the same time I have to install some discipline ,for his future and for my other kids..... Sometimes it's just a bit tough .
I know I'm lucky .
Uurrggh rant over .