To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how to start this blog. As most of you know, I had a miscarriage in March. Seven months ago yesterday, to be exact. What I haven't told you is that my due date for that pregnancy was today. Now, I know there was very little chance that my baby would actually have been born today. In fact, I had joined the November due in group in preparation for that but nonetheless over the last seven months, this is the date that has stuck in my mind. This is the date that has been on my pregnancy apps every time I tormented myself by going in to look and see how far along I "should" be. This is the date that I've been dreading.
My original plan for today was to manage one session of Zumba and spend the rest of the day curled up in the foetal position and crying. Several friends had told me this wasn't a good plan but I didn't really care, it was the plan I had. My husband (who, being a male, had no idea of the significance of today) had decided to get up early to go to Osborne Park at 8am and buy some shoes...yes, I've married a woman! I decided to tag along with him and I'm glad I did.
I didn't have time for breakfast so I took with me an apple, some crackers and cheese and some dried apricots. Things that are easy to eat on the go. We did some other bits and pieces of shopping and got home about 11am. I played some video games with friends and watched a bit of television. Anything that would keep me distracted to be honest. Then we went out to dinner, I came home and did my Zumba. Better late than never.
I actually talked to my husband today about what the day was and he was more supportive than he's ever been. He said he was glad I'd gone out with him this morning instead of staying home and wallowing. I don't know how I feel now that this day is finally almost over. I alternate between imagining how happy we should be right now to not being able to fathom being 9 months pregnant because I've never had that.
I don't know, I feel like I had a million things I wanted to say in this blog and they've all gone out of my head. I got so many wonderful and beautiful messages of support from my friends and family who all knew how hard today would be and I really appreciated that.
All in all, I spent less time being actively sad today than I expected.