Closed Thread
Page 13 of 16 FirstFirst ... 31112131415 ... LastLast
Results 121 to 130 of 159
  1. #121
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    19,776
    Thanks
    5,212
    Thanked
    7,063
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    People saying she hit him therefore she deserves getting belted up is a bit much. No she shouldn't hit him. But she is a 9 yo who is being regularly verbally abused. So while his behaviour isn't an excuse for hers, it is an explanation. Also people saying the OP is playing favourites. I see a bit of a complex chain of events here with an older (and probably wiser) brother being quite cunning. I don't think the OP is playing favourites at all. She is worried about her DD's safety and is asking how to curb it.
    I'm not sure if it qualifies as gaslighting but this is a common technique used by abusers, especially against females.

    my ex used to push and push and push me, then we would be out in public and he would make a snide remark about something he had hounded me about for the past month, so I'd lose it and tell him "WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THAT" then all of a sudden "see, she's CRAZY, what a loonie, she just lost it at me when I just asked a question" *polishes halo*

    sounds to me like the brother in this scenario is looking for a reaction, so will push her until she eventually snaps.

  2. #122
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Toowoomba
    Posts
    8,747
    Thanks
    2,851
    Thanked
    1,440
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Eko View Post
    I haven't read the whole thing (11 pages... whoa! lol) but I don't tend to look at gender when I look at abuse. I look at the effect.

    If a 13 year old girl who was bigger and stronger than a 9 year old boy had punched him, then yes I'd probably be angrier than if they'd been the same size. That's because I have a very strongly ingrained belief that you don't pick on those smaller than you!

    Abuse is abuse and it's NEVER justified. I just get that touch even MORE angry when I see someone bigger picking on someone smaller.
    YES!!!! This is what I'm talking about. Abuse is abuse and all that...got t! I said that in my disclaimer people obviously keep missing it but the saying 'Pick on someone your own size' comes to mind here.

  3. #123
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Toowoomba
    Posts
    8,747
    Thanks
    2,851
    Thanked
    1,440
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Renesme View Post
    Probably because she knows she's not going to get in much trouble if she hits him but if he turns around and hits her back he gets his **** kicked. Pretty good way of getting your sibling in troube all the time =\
    He doesn't get his A kicked she does. She DOES get in trouble, she gets beaten up...and he doesn't get beaten up, he just doesn't play playstation for a day...whoopsie doo! She gets beaten up! So yes she does!

    She the victim of violence here...why is everyone missing this point?

  4. #124
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Toowoomba
    Posts
    8,747
    Thanks
    2,851
    Thanked
    1,440
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Ok Des I have a 9 yr girl and 13 yr boy (+ a few more).

    lets face kids at times do this Sometimes (rare but they do happen) no matter what discipline you use.

    This is what i do.

    My girl gets a ban of some sort and small lecture about hitting, hitting is not on. My boy gets the whole long " you are a boy, boys are stronger than girls, there is never a reason to hit a girl, no matter what she does because you are stronger and you can hurt them much more etc.... and a bigger ban because he is older. That is for a simple hit.
    If he was to cower over or lay on her (him being twice her size) He would loose every privilege he got. The computer, the tv, the wii everything and he would have certain amount of job he would have to do for her. Than we would start in on the Intimation lecture, how using his size and strength to frighten and terrify people will lead to bad things in life and that I want the good for him. I believe that laying on her is a much more worse than a simple hit IYKIM so would be dealt with a lot harder.
    Ah someone who 'gets' it...probably because you deal with the same thing. Yes this is what I'm doing and it seems to be working.

    Good to see I'm not the only one who sees the enormity of a 13 year old boy who is a lot bigger and stronger than my 9 year old girl beating on her...even if she did hit him first...there is no reason to us his size and strength to intimadate and Lord over her like that.

    Thank you

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Deserama For This Useful Post:

    LoveLivesHere  (28-10-2012)

  6. #125
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    At the beach
    Posts
    10,495
    Thanks
    1,430
    Thanked
    9,003
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 17/10/14100 Posts in a week
    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post

    She the victim of violence here...why is everyone missing this point?
    Honestly? Because it's impossible to follow.

    I've read through a couple of pages and I'm lost. When people respond you add more qualifications to the scenario, which is natural given they're your kids and only you can know what's going on. But honestly it's almost impossible to give a view about it.

    My 2 oldest girls hit each other. I never see it happen though and it's reported to me by the younger one and then the older denies it. I grew up in a family of 4 kids where we roughed and tumbled and incited each other and drove each other mental until one snapped and then we all pretty much got in trouble and sent to 4 different rooms in the house.

    Kids drive each other crazy, kids hurt each other and parents are left to sort it out. I'm not entirely sure there is any right answer here is all I'm saying, as there are too many issues it seems.

  7. #126
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Toowoomba
    Posts
    8,747
    Thanks
    2,851
    Thanked
    1,440
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by happygrl View Post
    I haven't read all of the more recent responses but the issue that I have with your reasoning is that you are equating a punishment with a beating.

    It should not be up to your son to 'punish' his sister for hitting him - that's your job as a parent.

    She should absolutely be punished by you for hitting her brother - regardless of how much damage/pain she inflicted. And he should be punished for retaliating and for showing a lack of control. And the punishments should be equal - they are both in trouble for doing the same thing.

    Perhaps if appropriate consequences are shown to your DD your DS won't feel like he has to punish his sister himself KWIM?
    Oh my goodness...yes I KNOW THIS!!! I'm not an idiot, a beating shouldn't be a punishment but it is in this scenario!

    She's the victim in this, why should a vicitim be punished for being the victim?? I don't understand that concept. Isn't being beaten punishment enough?? (from her perspective) She's in pain, she's scared and she's cowering in the corner and to add more insult to injury..."Yes I know he verbally abused you but you hit him in the arm so now you don't get to watch tv...oh you have a black eye so can't watch tv anyway...well then you should not have hit him in the arm"

    I think there's a lot of people here who has never witnessed such things, never had to deal with it and don't understand the enormity of what is going on. It's getting a tad annoying actually because I am witnessing it and I'm in fear for my child's safety...and yet her beating isn't punishment enough??? What the hell?? It's not up to him ...no....but it's what happens...it's the reality. Shoulda coulda woulda doesn't help sorry.

  8. #127
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Toowoomba
    Posts
    8,747
    Thanks
    2,851
    Thanked
    1,440
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I think there are a few cases where a woman would hold more power, both physically and otherwise. Anyone seen big fat gypsy wedding? Those women are HUGE, but live in a culture where they are powerless. I did see an episode of dr phil where a woman would beat her alcoholic husband. He was very small compared to her.

    in most cases though I tend to agree. If I had an argument with a large man and it turned physical, whether or not I "started" it, the damage to him would be well....nil! I think there are allowances in the law that give smaller people more room to defend themselves (like a home invasion by a man with a woman home alone who grabs a knife) because they do acknowledge a difference in strength and it would be much more threatening.

    Sadly, a woman was imprisoned recently for stabbing her partner who was belting her.
    Ah thank you Benji - The voice of reason here. So the law does recognise this then? I wonder what the actual allowances are? Like would it be the likelihood of? Or the capacity of? etc etc.

  9. #128
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    5,687
    Thanks
    1,089
    Thanked
    4,057
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post
    Oh my goodness...yes I KNOW THIS!!! I'm not an idiot, a beating shouldn't be a punishment but it is in this scenario!
    Then stop treating it as her punishment. She needs consequences from YOU for hitting her brother.

    You can't consider what he dishes out to her as punishment, or you are condoning your kids punishing each other.

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to BlissedOut For This Useful Post:

    Renesme  (28-10-2012)

  11. #129
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Toowoomba
    Posts
    8,747
    Thanks
    2,851
    Thanked
    1,440
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Or could it be that he is deliberately being verbally and emotionally abusive in order to provoke her into slapping him, then he has an excuse to wail on her and show her who's boss? I see alot of power and control issues from the 13 yo.

    Again, I don't condone her hitting her brother. For me this situation has nothing to do with gender. What I see, is an older stronger sibling, deliberately inciting a behaviour they want (i.e. the younger sib hitting them) in order then go to town on them.

    I think what the OP needs to do is jump in as soon as he's being verbally abusive and reprimanding him before she retaliates. What is his currency? take something off him he values. His ipod, his stereo, his friends; so grounding him. Stop the cycle before it starts.
    Yes thank you...this IS what's happening. It's not as simple as one hitting the other so lets punish them both...there is something more going on here. It's not like when my 3 and 5 year old hit each other...the consequences are exactly the same for them and I don't see a difference, despite their genders. But this what is happening with my 9 and 13 year old mimics what I know of DV and I truly believe that my 9 year old is the victim in this...whether or not she hits first makes no neverminds to the fact that she's the victim in this.

    Yep getting in there before it escalates is what I've been trying to do...but he's cunning I tell ya! OOh boy...he'll do it quietly, he'll do things like take her meat pie out of mircrowave midcook just to put his in....because he can. Because he is bigger and stronger and he knows she can't do anything about it, except cry, whinge and hit him. etc

  12. #130
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    19,776
    Thanks
    5,212
    Thanked
    7,063
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post
    Ah thank you Benji - The voice of reason here. So the law does recognise this then? I wonder what the actual allowances are? Like would it be the likelihood of? Or the capacity of? etc etc.
    I'm fairly sure it does take into account someone's physical strength when it comes to "fighting back".

    it's not always as clear cut as "fighting is bad mmmkay" because there are imbalances between people re strenght/size etc. example, imagine a son and father getting into a physical fight - dad is a boxer, boy is a skinny nerd. They altercate, skinny nerd hits dad in the face, dad hits son back. Of course dad will cause more damage and should have a responsibility to react without going overboard.

    I am also pretty sure that when there is damage done and there is enough evidence to suggest a partner has done it, the police can charge even without the victim pressing charges. This is what I was told anyway when I recently witnessed a fight involving both men and women, with large sticks. The joys of working on in the city.
    Last edited by Benji; 28-10-2012 at 13:47.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Cycle of abuse.. **trigger warning** child abuse
    By Ishtyban in forum General Chat
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 05-09-2012, 07:53
  2. Differences in babies 38-42 weeks
    By mummyJ in forum Pregnancy & Birth General Chat
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 13-08-2012, 20:01
  3. Cycle Differences
    By Jaebyrd in forum IVF
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 05-04-2012, 11:29

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Pebblebee
Parents spend hours looking for things they need NOW. The keys, the remote, darling daughter's treasured teddy. Stop wasting precious time looking & start finding with Bub Hub reviewed Pebblebee Smart Tag. Simply attach a Pebblebee and find it fast.
sales & new stuffsee all
Wendys Music School Melbourne
Wondering about Music Lessons? FREE 30 minute ASSESSMENT. Find out if your child is ready! Piano from age 3 years & Guitar, Singing, Drums, Violin from age 5. Lessons available for all ages. 35+ years experience. Structured program.
Use referral 'bubhub' when booking
featured supporter
TPS Health Physiotherapy and Pilates
TPS Health Physiotherapy and Pilates has three clinics located at Morningside, Redlands and Lutwyche. We offer pre and post natal services as well as physiotherapy and Pilates. All clinics offer child minding services so bubs are always welcome!
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!