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  1. #111
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    Default Re: Differences in 'abuse'.

    Quote Originally Posted by vogsie View Post
    yeah men can cause more damage physically. but mentally it could be just damaging 2 the guys as the women because the men will feel less "manly" because a woman abused them. it could hurt their "manhood"
    This. My dh was physically abused by his ex wife. He has scars on his face from her, and the mental scars are much worse. He has never once talked to me about it (whilst sorting paper work I found stat decs etc from court cases) I can't even play slap him (when joking around etc) without him flinching and getting scared. Of course I haven't done this in a long time as soon as I realised he was actually scared I stopped doing it, found out well after why he was/is scared.

    So whilst it is common for men to do more damage than women the reverse can happen.

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  2. #112
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    Default Differences in 'abuse'.

    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post

    I try not too, but it's hard though because I'm having to restrain him, while she's in the corner crying and in obvious fear. It's then hard to turn around to punish a child who is cowering in the corner and who has clearly already been 'punished'. (My punishments are generally taking away of priviledges but how can you take away tv time or whatever from a child who is obviously in distressed and in fear of her older brother?)
    I haven't read all of the more recent responses but the issue that I have with your reasoning is that you are equating a punishment with a beating.

    It should not be up to your son to 'punish' his sister for hitting him - that's your job as a parent.

    She should absolutely be punished by you for hitting her brother - regardless of how much damage/pain she inflicted. And he should be punished for retaliating and for showing a lack of control. And the punishments should be equal - they are both in trouble for doing the same thing.

    Perhaps if appropriate consequences are shown to your DD your DS won't feel like he has to punish his sister himself KWIM?

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  4. #113
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    Quote Originally Posted by Renesme View Post

    Men are so much more trapped then women are if they are in abusive relationships because they can't get help from anyone. They can't talk to their friends because imagine the teasing/bullying
    I don't agree - I think there's support out there for all victims of abuse. Guys I know are very supportive of each other and would never laugh at a mate who opened up about abuse. Still, DV is a far more prevalent issue for female victims and it's just as difficult for females to open up about it/seek help as it is for male victims.


    On the issue of size, it's far more intimidating to be stood over/hit by a larger and stronger person. A lot of DV victims fear for their lives on a daily basis so I don't think it can be compared to kids fighting.

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    I think there are a few cases where a woman would hold more power, both physically and otherwise. Anyone seen big fat gypsy wedding? Those women are HUGE, but live in a culture where they are powerless. I did see an episode of dr phil where a woman would beat her alcoholic husband. He was very small compared to her.

    in most cases though I tend to agree. If I had an argument with a large man and it turned physical, whether or not I "started" it, the damage to him would be well....nil! I think there are allowances in the law that give smaller people more room to defend themselves (like a home invasion by a man with a woman home alone who grabs a knife) because they do acknowledge a difference in strength and it would be much more threatening.

    Sadly, a woman was imprisoned recently for stabbing her partner who was belting her.

  7. #115
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    I get what you mean OP. I think a lot of it comes down to if a woman is hitting a man, usually he can restrain her to protect himself. If a man is hitting a woman she usually can't defend herself as he is so much more physically strong. Obviously both are wrong, but there's definitely a grey area.

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    Quote Originally Posted by happygrl View Post
    Perhaps if appropriate consequences are shown to your DD your DS won't feel like he has to punish his sister himself KWIM?
    Or could it be that he is deliberately being verbally and emotionally abusive in order to provoke her into slapping him, then he has an excuse to wail on her and show her who's boss? I see alot of power and control issues from the 13 yo.

    Again, I don't condone her hitting her brother. For me this situation has nothing to do with gender. What I see, is an older stronger sibling, deliberately inciting a behaviour they want (i.e. the younger sib hitting them) in order then go to town on them.

    I think what the OP needs to do is jump in as soon as he's being verbally abusive and reprimanding him before she retaliates. What is his currency? take something off him he values. His ipod, his stereo, his friends; so grounding him. Stop the cycle before it starts.
    Last edited by delirium; 28-10-2012 at 10:43.

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  11. #117
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    Default Re: Differences in 'abuse'.

    Blackeyedpea/renesme I don't think they can't get help, but I think they are a lot more afraid to tell someone than a female. In a lot of cultures being abused by a woman would make a man look weak and that's frowned upon so they choose not to say anything rather than have someone think less of them

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    Default Differences in 'abuse'.

    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Or could it be that he is deliberately being verbally and emotionally abusive in order to provoke her into slapping him, then he has an excuse to wail on her and show her who's boss? I see alot of power and control issues from the 13 yo.

    Again, I don't condone her hitting her brother. For me this situation has nothing to do with gender. What I see, is an older stronger sibling, deliberately inciting a behaviour they want (i.e. the younger sib hitting them) in order then go to town on them.

    I think what the OP needs to do is jump in as soon as he's being verbally abusive and reprimanding him before she retaliates. What is his currency? take something off him he values. His ipod, his stereo, his friends; so grounding him. Stop the cycle before it starts.
    I agree. I hadn't read the OPs post about his antagonizing his sister.

    I think though that my point is still valid. He should be punished by the OP for what he is saying and she should be punished by OP for hitting. Regardless of the provocation violence should never be seen as the answer and should not be ignored even if it does not cause a lot of damage because of her size.

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    Quote Originally Posted by happygrl View Post
    I think though that my point is still valid. He should be punished by the OP for what he is saying and she should be punished by OP for hitting. Regardless of the provocation violence should never be seen as the answer and should not be ignored even if it does not cause a lot of damage because of her size.
    Completely agree. My point is I think there is more at play here than 2 fighting kids, but an older sib with power issues than is manipulating their younger sib into retaliating.

    People saying she hit him therefore she deserves getting belted up is a bit much. No she shouldn't hit him. But she is a 9 yo who is being regularly verbally abused. So while his behaviour isn't an excuse for hers, it is an explanation. Also people saying the OP is playing favourites. I see a bit of a complex chain of events here with an older (and probably wiser) brother being quite cunning. I don't think the OP is playing favourites at all. She is worried about her DD's safety and is asking how to curb it.

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  15. #120
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    I agree with Delirium, your son sounds like he is inciting a reaction from your daughter, and when she does react, WHOOP, it's a$$ kicking time! So in this instance, I think her punishment (getting belted) is punishment enough (given that she didn't just randomly go up and hit him out of the blue).

    I think the issue you are trying to raise is the concept of overkill (undue force)? Perhaps that's getting lost in the discussion somewhere, or confused with gender stereotyping, or something.
    But essentially (I assume) what you are trying to explore is whether or not it's justifiable to react in a situation to the fullest extent of someones power.
    I think this is definitely a grey area, and would have many variables to consider.

    In my personal opinion, physical strength is just as much of a weapon as is a gun or knife. And whether you are male or female, child or adult, if you react to being slapped (for instance) by beating someone into a coma, then that is overkill and unreasonable (perhaps with the exception where there has been ongoing abuse or torment from the other side)

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