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  1. #101
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    Default Differences in 'abuse'.

    i guess self defense is worthless then and all women should just step down and let men do what they want to them?
    btw, i was more trying to say that the average woman can inflict pain and harm to a bigger/stronger male, whether or not she was provoked, more in the instance that she was the abuser, because you made it out that the abusive woman is powerless and cant inflict pain to a man thats bigger than her, that a woman that was abusing a male is powerless compared to a male abusing a female. thats how i read it anyway.

  2. #102
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    No I said that an average women will not be able to give the same amount of harm to the average man. So if she punched a guy in the arm and the guy punched her in the arm...he would have the capacity to inflict more injury on her than her on him based on the fact that he is bigger and stronger than her.

    If you think you can take on Hercules then that's great. I hope you never have to have that theory tested. But I know my abilities and while I'd like to think that I'd be able to do the whole hand thrust into the nose then the knee into the groin, I've only ever been taught such moves while conditions were right and while the man was coming at me head on and where I was not in mortal fear of my life etc.

    And I know that if I was to start hitting on my husband...he'd probably laugh at me because it'd be so pathetic...then he'd get annoyed and restrain me. But he'd never hit me...because he knows that my punching him vs his punching me are two totally different things!

    But at the end of the day...hitting is wrong and we should all just keep our hands to ourselves, that's the best case scenario really

  3. #103
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    I've just read the whole thread and I do understand what you are saying, but I mostly disagree. As a PP put it, abuse is abuse is abuse.

    As for your kids, I think you have to deal with 2 issues separately. In regards to the hitting, absolutely you should be punishing them the same. Your daughter should be punished for hitting, just as your son is for hitting (hitting only, anger is the next issue). IMO it doesn't matter that she's just been hit back, you should still be punishing her for hitting him. She's 9, she's not silly, she obviously knows by now what happens when she hits him.
    The other issue which I REALLY feel is VERY important, is your son's anger. I realise he's a hormone filled teen, but I feel it's vital that he sees a psych if he doesn't already. This will help him gain control of his anger and make him realise that his level of anger is not appropriate to the situation. My DS sees a psych and atm they're working on strategies to control emotions (including anger), it is very helpful for him and I would highly recommend it! A psych will also be able to talk to him about any underlying issues, which sounds like there may be.

    So in the heat of the moment, you need to be reminding your son to control his anger (with the awesome anger control techniques he's gotten from his psych ), and then reminding/punishing/whatever it is you do for BOTH of them that they BOTH hit and did the wrong thing. Then later when all has cooled down, reflect calmly with your son about what he could do better and support him on that.

    I must say though that this all works well on my son but he is pre-teen. Teenagers are a while different species! But again that's why I'd recommend seeing a professional to help him with age-appropriate stuff.

    Good luck, I hope they lay off each other soon, I understand it would be scary to watch.

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  5. #104
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    Default Differences in 'abuse'.

    hitting anyone is abuse, man hitting woman, woman hitting man, adult hitting child. in a perfect world, it shouldnt happen.

  6. #105
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    Quote Originally Posted by WineTime View Post
    Why does your daughter continue to hit your son even though she knows he's going to hit her back?

    Both of them need to cut the crap and stop hitting anyone. Sorry, thats probably oversimplifying it, but there it is.
    Probably because she knows she's not going to get in much trouble if she hits him but if he turns around and hits her back he gets his **** kicked. Pretty good way of getting your sibling in troube all the time =\

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    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post
    Ok then how would you suggest I deal with my children? When my 9 year old hits my 13 year old and he hits her back...ok she deserves it? But when she hit him (yes it's wrong) She hit him...yeh it probably hurt too, but his response is to stand over her while cowers in the corner while he lays into her. I'm actually tearing up thinking about the fear my 9 year old little girl feels when he's doing this.

    Does she deserve this? Just because she hit him first?

    Do you see my dilema?

    ETA - I'm literally in fear too, while this is happening...because I can see a potential for him to REALLY hurt her...whereas her pititful punches did virtually nothing to him. I have to restain him from hitting her. And yes he is punished more severly than she is...would this be wrong?
    What discipline measures do you do when they are hitting each other?

    I'd be looking into it further as to why they are relying on physical reactions to each other. I'd be disciplining both parties.. the 9 year old for hitting the boy and the boy for hitting her back.. I'd be talking about what the boy could do if the 9 year old hits him instead of hitting her back. Give them other options. If either of them tries this option next time I'd praise them.
    Last edited by Renesme; 28-10-2012 at 07:31.

  9. #107
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    I haven't read the whole thing (11 pages... whoa! lol) but I don't tend to look at gender when I look at abuse. I look at the effect.

    If a 13 year old girl who was bigger and stronger than a 9 year old boy had punched him, then yes I'd probably be angrier than if they'd been the same size. That's because I have a very strongly ingrained belief that you don't pick on those smaller than you!

    Abuse is abuse and it's NEVER justified. I just get that touch even MORE angry when I see someone bigger picking on someone smaller.

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    yeah men can cause more damage physically. but mentally it could be just damaging 2 the guys as the women because the men will feel less "manly" because a woman abused them. it could hurt their "manhood"

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    I grew up in an environment of domestic violence for 14 years during my childhood. It did irreparable damage to my life, but I was never hit once.

    My step-father could be a very scary person when he 'snapped'. He wasn't always violent but we were all terrified of him when he was in one of his moods and when he was violent, yes you didn't want to be anywhere around!

    But it was the psychological abuse that was so damaging, being too afraid to ever invite friends over and living with the stress of it constantly for so many years...

    It's amazing how physically strong a person can be when they're on a violent rampage, even if they're the loveliest, gentlest person 'mist' of the time. Physicality does play a role in how much damage they do sure, but it's more about the fight in the dog than the dog in the fight in my experience.

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  13. #110
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    I haven't read the whole thread just the op and the last few.

    Ok Des I have a 9 yr girl and 13 yr boy (+ a few more).

    lets face kids at times do this Sometimes (rare but they do happen) no matter what discipline you use.

    This is what i do.

    My girl gets a ban of some sort and small lecture about hitting, hitting is not on. My boy gets the whole long " you are a boy, boys are stronger than girls, there is never a reason to hit a girl, no matter what she does because you are stronger and you can hurt them much more etc.... and a bigger ban because he is older. That is for a simple hit.
    If he was to cower over or lay on her (him being twice her size) He would loose every privilege he got. The computer, the tv, the wii everything and he would have certain amount of job he would have to do for her. Than we would start in on the Intimation lecture, how using his size and strength to frighten and terrify people will lead to bad things in life and that I want the good for him. I believe that laying on her is a much more worse than a simple hit IYKIM so would be dealt with a lot harder.

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