Why I want to do this challenge
Sorry taken me a while to write this, it has been a very emotional thing. It’s not something I have ever shared before, some it not even with my family.
My name Jenny, I am a 40 year old mum of 6. Yes 6, I have a 18yr girl, a 13yr old boy, a 11yr old girl, almost 9yr old girl, a 4yr old boy and a baby boy who will soon be 6mths. I am fully breastfeeding my little man.
I have been overweight all my life and morbidly obese for most of it. At my highest weight I was almost 180kgs. I hid in my fatness. Most people couldn't see past my size (the side show freak as I was often called) to see me as a person. Very few people could find it in themselves to make friends with me. Most people would advert the eyes so they aren't seen as staring at me. Then of course there are the teenagers and boys in their 20’s that think it funny to say the most horrendous things. I have always been teased for my weight, even as a young child I was always called Jenny the giant germ by all the kids at school. It has scared my self-esteem and I suppose it has made me a loner.
Why am I so big? That is the hard one. There was an incident when I was 12 that made me never want to be attractive to men, ever. It never was reported and I felt like it was all my fault. Why was I punished and he a grown man got away scot free. I felt like it was my fault because I wore the short shorts. This has affected me all my life and too some extent it still does.
I got really big during my pregnancy with my first child, I had thyroid issues and lots of feelings that inferiority. I went from 78kgs to 110kgs. My big gain came after my next 2 pregnancies ended in miscarriages. I was told I couldn’t have any more children. So I threw myself into eating. I drowned every emotion I had in food. Food became my god. I worshipped it and thought about every minute of every day.
Then 5 years later I had a miracle happen, I felt queasy, so brought a test knowing it could never be. I got up early and snuck into the bathroom on Easter Sunday, so hubby would know how stupid I was being doing a test when we all knew we couldn't fall pregnant. Anyhow I sat there and saw that second line come up I started to cry. I laid on that floor for hours crying in happiness. By then I was over 150 kgs and then nine months later I was blessed with my beautiful son. I was still feeding him 4 times a night when I fall pregnant again and was blessed with another baby girl. Then 20 months later I was pregnant again with twins, at 12 weeks I lost one of the twins. The Dr thought it was to do with my weight. The guilt of that is unbearable. Even knowing this I continued to put on each time I had baby. It wasn't the pregnancies it was breastfeeding. All that sitting on my bum, mindless eating. All 6 times I have put on while feeding. Including this time, this is cycle I am trying to break with this Zumba challenge.
I lost over 80kgs after bub number 5 stopped breastfeeding, though I never exercised. So while I was skinner I was still very unfit. At 95kgs I fall pregnant again, it was a hard pregnancy. I was on bed rest for most of it, due my veins, a emergency umbilical hernia operation at 19 weeks that threatened both mine and bubs life. Then with 10 weeks to go, they told me they thought I had thyroid cancer. However they couldn't test until a few weeks after bub was born. Needless to say Once again I turned to food as a comfort and a crutch to get through. Thank God the test came back negative, I am cancer free. I gained way too much weight. But the real weight gainer was breastfeeding. Once again those scales keep showing me numbers going up and up. When I saw the Zumba challenge I decided it was time, I was going to break the endless cycle. I plan to feed this bub for a long time yet and I don’t want to be as big as I was. After all I never thought I would over the 100kg again in my life.
While I am not the super size I once was, I am still not normal. I have been left with really freaky shape. I am so out of proportion. I just want to look normal, I know that I will never be pretty or beautiful. While I look a little unusual (extreme pear) when I stand, When I sit it is a total another matter. Sitting makes my bottom at least twice the size of my top. Even my doctor has said on many occasions that I almost look normal from the waist up. I just want to be able to blend in. So for me that is a huge goal. To look normal. I want my kids not to be scared by my weight/size anymore. Yes my kids have been teased about their giant size mum.
It been really hard on my kids and that is the very worst part. Seeing what my weight has done to them. I have not done things with my kids that I should have because I was just too fat. Too fat to get in a pool for swimming lessons. Too unfit to kick a ball around at auskick. Too unfit to go bike riding with them. Too fat to go on the roller-coaster at the theme parks. I feel like failure as mum some days.
I want to teach my kids a better lifestyle. I want kids to learn that healthy lifestyle includes exercise. I want to include them in this change I am making. I don’t want to just show them I want them to experience the benefits of regular exercise for themselves. I want them to be fit. I want to be fit. I never want them to go through all the horrors that I went through. I want a better life for them.
I feel like this going to be a healing thing for me.