I want to write more about where I'm at. I think it really struck home for me last night when I was talking to a friend after playing a video game with him and I thanked him for "making me forget that I'm sad" because really, that's the crux of the matter. I am sad.
I'll go out in public and I'll smile and I'll laugh, I might even enjoy myself for a little while. Then something will happen and I remember that I'm sad, I just forgot that fact.
I know what you're thinking and you won't be the first person to tell me that I should seek some kind of counseling. Especially when I follow up with this. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I have friends that are reading this and my darlings this is nothing against you at all. It's just how I feel. Whenever I try to talk about it, I get told I need counseling. I certainly can't talk to my husband, I don't think the miscarriage affected him as badly as it affected me so when I try to talk about it to him he takes a very pragmatic "feeling crap about it doesn't change the fact that it happened" approach and it kind of makes me feel worse.
So I bottle it up inside. I cry in private. I smile in public. I am sad panda.