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  1. #1
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    Default Undercover: would you stay or go?

    I'm an under cover hubber but if you figure out who I am from my story please don't say anything...

    I'm at a loss of what to do with my relationship, should I stay and try to make it work or is enough enough? This will probably be long but I feel like if I get it all out I can really see what I've put up with and go from there..

    I met DP in the start of 2010. He was charming, handsome, affectionate and I fell for him hard. At the time he was working with his dad and living with his parents. A mere 8 months later (on his birthday) we found out I was pregnant. His immediate reaction was to have an abortion, I was adamant that I would keep it with or without his support and told him the decision was up to him to be around or not. He came around to the idea and we soon moved out together. He was still working with his dad at this point however he wasn't always getting paid (his dad is an alcoholic and basically his company has gone under now) so I supported us financially and he started a TAFE certificate in civil construction. Things were pretty good during this time, I didn't mind supporting us because I knew how hard he was looking for work but he also didn't help out around the house at all which drove me nuts. Start of 2011 he got a job as a civil labourer and also agreed to quit smoking and started taking champix, which made him terribly depressed and have nightmares. He would come home from work crying because he hated his job so much so he quit, I was okay with the decision because I hated seeing him like this. 3 months later my maternity leave started and before I knew it DS was born.
    The hours following his birth DP went so weird I don't even know how to explain it. He didn't seem happy, he didn't want anyone to come visit me and got angry when they did. I struggled with breast feeding at the start so my mum was around a lot to help me and he wouldn't speak to any of us when people were there. I honestly thought he hated our son. It came to a head one day when I confronted him about it and he broke down saying he was over whelmed by his love for his son and didn't know how to handle the feelings. Things improved after that. He was still unemployed and never helped out around the house (even when DS was a newborn). He also didn't do anything for DS either apart from holding him etc. I forced him to go on new start as we were struggling financially and eventually he got a casual job as a jockey for a furniture removals company.
    At the end of 2011 he began his qualifications to get his security license and then this year he got a full time position as a guard. He really enjoys his job and makes good money. I now only get family tax benefit as he earns too much for parenting payments so about $280 a fortnight. When he gets paid he gives me (usually) half of what our rent is and an extra $100 for groceries. We have had so many fights because I tell him he should be giving me at least half of all our other bills... Our mobiles, Internet, tv renting thing are all direct debited from my bank account and I always pay the electricity, gas and water. If I ask him for money towards these bills he asks me what did I do with the other money he gave me and it turns into a big fight. I recently got a casual job so I can get a bit of extra money towards our bills, so now he feels like he can give me less and it's okay. I am also at university studying full time.
    He never does anything around the house unless I specifically ask him 50 times and even then he will roughly make the bed and vacuum. He doesn't do anything for our son apart from play with him. When I work (it's only morning shifts at the moment) he will message me literally 20 times asking what he has for breakfast, what time he has a nap, what clothes to put him in even though I can't usually reply, then he gets frustrated that I don't answer and says things like "don't worry he will just starve I don't know what to give him". He also goes to his parents house across the street so his mother can change DS nappy as he just will not do it.
    I asked him recently after doing 2 weeks of placement for uni if I could please have a sleep in til like 9/10am as I have not slept in since DS was born. He got so angry at me saying he was tired because he is the only one who works and I should try doing something for a change and see how it feels. He never compliments me or pays me much attention unless he wants to dtd. He also "jokes" around all the time abusing me emotionally. I will be sitting in a different room studying or cooking dinner or something and he will walk in and say something like "what's going on c**t?" He calls me stupid names as well like big girl even though I'm about 55kg but always been self conscious of my body so he knows it bothers me. Every single day without fail he will say at least 10 times (I swear I am not exaggerating) "do you love me?" "Do you want to break up?" "Do you want to be single?" Or some variation of that. I have spoken to him so many times about this and the "jokes" telling him how much it upsets me but he tells me to lighten up and get over it. I don't understand how any person who really loves and wants to be with someone can say over and over again "do you want to break up?". We don't do anything as a couple, I have to drag him to family functions and when we are there he usually is on his phone and then leaves early. He goes and see's his mates quite a lot which doesn't bother me but if I have plans I get the 3rd degree.

    I basically don't know where the guy is I fell in love with because this is not him. I worry he resents me for falling pregnant and if I ever complain about being a mother or being frustrated with DS he will always make a comment like "well you could of had an abortion". Our current argument is that I found out he has been smoking behind my back even though I frequently ask him about it because his whole family smokes.

    He is staying at his parents house at the moment while I figure out what I want to do. I am so confused and feel like either choice I will be miserable. Now that I have written that all out I feel so stupid for being with someone like this.

    Help me please.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Undercover: would you stay or go?

    Get rid of him.

    You sound strong and capable, and you will flourish outside of this pitiful relationship.

    I'm sure it will take some time for things to settle down and man-child will make things hard for you, but you will come out the other end wondering what on earth you were thinking and with a settled and much simpler life.

    Good luck!

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  4. #3
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    Default Undercover: would you stay or go?

    Honestly it doesn't sound like he brings anything to the relationship except stress! It sounds like you've already made your decision, you just need to get your head around it.

    Your DS needs a better role model so in your situation I would probably kick him out permanently or move out myself (probably the latter if his parents live across the road and he's likely to move in with them). It'll give him an opportunity to come to his senses. If he doesn't, you can move on without his negative energy bringing you down.

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    Default Undercover: would you stay or go?

    Time to break up, you deserve better. It will be hard in the short term but in the long term you will find happiness.

    Good luck and look after yourself.

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  8. #5
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    Default Undercover: would you stay or go?

    Do you really need us to answer this?

    Have a read over what you have written and think about the advice you would give if it were someone close to you that were in the situation.

    I would absolutely leave. It sounds as if you are raising two children, with him being the most difficult. He seems unsupportive and an incapable parent.

    If you do make the decision to leave just know that you can do it. It's hard but you will get there and I think you would find that you struggle less without him (both financially and emotionally).

    Huge hugs to you OP xo

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  10. #6
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    You sound like you have been through so much. I agree with SM. sorry but he sounds like a jerk.

    Do you think he would move in with his parents across the road? Will that make life hard for you if his family are so close by? If it were me I'd be rid of him but move out to get physically distant from him as well.

    Sorry you have to go through this. He sounds depressed but one thing life has taught me is you can't fix other people's depression and misery.

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    Id be out of there. Sorry but he sounds like a loser.

  12. #8
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    Theophania is offline 'see what had happened was..there were these three ninjas and a blue monkey and well it really wasn't my fault..'
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    I think he sounds really immature and tbh he isn't supporting you at all. It sounds like you could do it without him quite easily. I wouldn't take his BS anymore.

    And OMG I cannot believe he said 'you could have had an abortion' that is the most horrible disgusting thing I have ever heard. He needs a big wake up call.

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    Default Undercover: would you stay or go?

    You sound like you know what you need to do and just want reassurance that it is the right thing.
    You acknowledge he is emotionally abusive, financially abusive and refuses to do basic parenting and domestic duties. He calls you names, plays on your insecurities and can't even change a nappy. He is selfish, lazy and lies to you.
    You know all this. I think you know it's time to leave. Is there somewhere you can stay short term?

  15. #10
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    Default Undercover: would you stay or go?

    Thanks for the replies. Basically how I felt anyway.

    He is staying with his parents for the time being, I quite like our place as the rent is cheap and it's very nice but I won't stay here being in such close proximity to his family. I don't know if he would stay there or move back here once I left, I don't really care either. Just a matter of finding a new place!


 

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