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  1. #1
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    Default am i being unreasonable?

    Hi all just looking for opinions and different perspectives on an issue I'm having with MIL.

    My MIL smokes pretty much non-stop. It has never bothered me much before but with the baby coming I'm concerned about it. It also makes me feel sick at the moment so I don't like to stay long at her house if it can be avoided. I asked my husband to bring it up with her as I don't feel comfortable with bringing the baby over to her house knowing that she will smoke regardless. I am pretty sure this will be the case as my husband has a 2 yr old daughter and she has always smoked around her from what dh tells me.

    I realise I can't really tell her what to do in her own house but is it reasonable to tell her that we won't bring the baby over if she is going to smoke around it. I of course want her to have a good relationship with the baby but I just don't want the baby inhaling that much smoke particularly early on. The amount of smoke makes me feel sick and my eyes water so I can't imagine the effect it would have on a newborn. She doesn't smoke when she is over at our house but that is a rare occurance and we are moving 2 hrs away so I don't think she'll come to our house.

    I'm trying to think of a compromise between the smoke issue and wanting her to have a relationship with the baby but am not sure what would be acceptable. She just laughed it off when dh brought it up the other day. What do you all think about how I can deal with this?

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    I think it is perfectly fine to insist on no smoking near the baby...and washing hands/change of shirt before holding the baby. 2nd hand smoke is proven to be harmful for everyone...and babies lungs are so tiny. It also increases the risk of SIDS.

    If MIL values her relationship with the baby...she will need to choose to not smoke around it. It's not up to you...it's up to her.

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    I would find some literature for her to read on 'third hand' smoke, which is basically the fumes that come off her clothes and that she breathes out long after a smoke, there are links to sids, asthma and other long term effects. I would encourage her to change her shirt after smoking and to delay a smoke until after she has been with the baby. I wouldn't be keen to take the baby in her house if she smokes inside either.

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    Not unreasonable at all. I would ask your midwife/maternal health nurse for a fact sheet on SIDS and/or one on smoking and second hand smoke, then bring it up with her like that. Say 'my nurse said...' And show her the fact sheet.

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    You are not being unreasonable at all.

    I have a very similar situation with my MIL. I have enforce the hand washing rule and I got raised eye brows at this request.

    Don't worry too much, it's like pulling off a band aid. You get pretty good at making all sorts of requests and not feeling strange about it once your child is involved.

    I wouldn't bring a newborn into a smoking household. 3rd hand smoke is a very real concern. Especially for things like eczema which my DS has.

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    Not unreasonable at all.
    I would refuse to go over there tbh and make it clear if she visits you that you have a smoke free home - if she wants to see bub she can go without for a short period.

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    Thanks for the responses everyone. I'm glad that others see it as a serious concern. I just thought maybe I was taking it to far as she just laughs when we bring it up. I don't know whether the fact that it wasn't pushed with my step daughter when she was a bub is why she doesn't think its an issue. I'm hoping once she realises that I'm serious and really won't be bringing the baby over she will be willing to go without for the time we are there. I will get a hold of some literature on it as well. Also explain that it is the same rule with my friends who smoke too not just her. We shall see what happens. I guess in the end its up to her to decide what's more important.

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    I do the same with my mum. She doesn't listen very well. She smoked with us and we turned out ok.. Is her stance. We argue about it all the time.

    Also maybe mention it is now illegal to smoke in the car with kids

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    There are members of my partner's family who smoke and I've already told him that he needs to make sure they know they will not be allowed to hold or even be near my baby after having a smoke. It just won't be happening, and he agrees with me. But the way I see it, they are his family so the responsibility of explaining this to them is his.

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    Totally reasonable. I refused to let my mother hold DD1 if she had been smoking. At first she would come over to visit first thing in the morning after her shower and have a lot of cuddles. Then she'd run out to the footpath to have her smoke. Eventually she must have got sick of that, so she got serious, saw a hypnotherapist and quit smoking. Which is a great result overall. Maybe also point out the personal benefits to her if she quits and that you'd like her to live for as long as possible enjoying her grandchildren etc.


 

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