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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atropos View Post
    See that's the thing, legally, he does not. Step parents have zero legal rights to their step kids. None. Not "just as much right to be there" at all.
    So if the bio mum says no to step mum attending a medical appointment then legally the step parent can't attend. It's that simple. Her reasons, what type of mum she is etc do not matter.

    Maybe not legally, but the step parent is still part of the childs life and in my eyes still has a say in everything.
    If my ex ever tried to pull this on us HE would be the one that I would say cant come because my partner has more to do with these children than him. He is just a 'weekend' father. My DP is there full time carerer along with me so if anything happened it would be their step dad that gets first say before their 'bio father'.

  2. #22
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    Default What rights do I have?

    Quote Originally Posted by Cleigh View Post
    Maybe not legally, but the step parent is still part of the childs life and in my eyes still has a say in everything.
    If my ex ever tried to pull this on us HE would be the one that I would say cant come because my partner has more to do with these children than him. He is just a 'weekend' father. My DP is there full time carerer along with me so if anything happened it would be their step dad that gets first say before their 'bio father'.
    My DH is a "weekend father" because his ex took his kids using force and moved before the courts could intervene and the judge didn't want to uproot them again when it went to court a month later. The term "weekend father" and the derogatory connotation it has is very offensive when there are many fathers in that category who had no say in the matter. FWIW I am a step mother and DH is step dad to my eldest DD.
    I'm not sure of your circumstances but unless you have court orders to say otherwise, bio parents have equal responsibility for the health and well being of their children. My solicitor said this encompassed medical issues. Your DH may be the best step dad in the world but How would you feel if your ex had a new wife who had a say before you?

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  4. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atropos View Post
    My DH is a "weekend father" because his ex took his kids using force and moved before the courts could intervene and the judge didn't want to uproot them again when it went to court a month later. The term "weekend father" and the derogatory connotation it has is very offensive when there are many fathers in that category who had no say in the matter. FWIW I am a step mother and DH is step dad to my eldest DD.
    I'm not sure of your circumstances but unless you have court orders to say otherwise, bio parents have equal responsibility for the health and well being of their children. My solicitor said this encompassed medical issues. Your DH may be the best step dad in the world but How would you feel if your ex had a new wife who had a say before you?
    My ex and I make sure we keep each other informed with whatever happens with the kids. I use the term weekend father, because he only sees them every second week (soon to change as he is going FIFO so it will be less than that) but that is nothing to do with me being a bossy mum. He just doesnt have the time, I would be more than happy for him to be more involved. However, my DP is a primary carerer and in our family has just as much say in what goes as me or their bio dad.
    When their dad eventually moves on and is in a steady relationship, if she has concerns about the children I will gladly listen and discuss anything she may have problems with. I will welcome the new helping hands (if thats what they are) The OPer sounds like she is very hands on with her step child and I would LOVE to have someone like her as a step mum to my children. We as the childrens parents would make a disission together.

  5. #24
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    Default What rights do I have?

    Quote Originally Posted by Cleigh View Post
    My ex and I make sure we keep each other informed with whatever happens with the kids. I use the term weekend father, because he only sees them every second week (soon to change as he is going FIFO so it will be less than that) but that is nothing to do with me being a bossy mum. He just doesnt have the time, I would be more than happy for him to be more involved. However, my DP is a primary carerer and in our family has just as much say in what goes as me or their bio dad.
    When their dad eventually moves on and is in a steady relationship, if she has concerns about the children I will gladly listen and discuss anything she may have problems with. I will welcome the new helping hands (if thats what they are) The OPer sounds like she is very hands on with her step child and I would LOVE to have someone like her as a step mum to my children. We as the childrens parents would make a disission together.
    That's great for you but the OP seems to have very different circumstances. I had your attitude to my ex's potential new partner. Until he got one and the harassment, stalking and threats started. So when she tried to tell me what to do with my daughter, her input was not welcome.
    Last edited by Atropos; 15-10-2012 at 18:39.

  6. #25
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    A bio dad not being around as much as a step dad doesn't necessarily mean they aren't a good parent ... Nor does it mean they automatically forgo key rights to the step dad.

    It could mean the mum was selfish and pulled a stunt which made it impossible for the dad to share 50-50 custody. Or perhaps work (eg FIFO) makes 50-50 hard but means the dad can better contribute to their kids future. I'm hoping that unless the dad is abusive, the bio mum goes out of her way to help the kids feel like the dad is there for them always...even if they can't physically be with their kids 50% of the time (eg by setting up regular Skype calls)

    When you have a kid with someone youre entering into a contract with them to parent the kids together. I know not all men (or women) keep up their end of the deal. But You just can't sack the dad and give their rights to a new man because circumstance means the bio dad can't always there.

    In relation to the original post unless one parent is abusive or extremely neglectful, step parents need to let bio parents have control of key issues.
    Last edited by VicPark; 15-10-2012 at 18:54.

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  8. #26
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    My DH has equal say in our house...we set the rules together, we parent together and we are a team...DH treats DS and DD the same and they both call him daddy, because he is their daddy.

    BUT, when it comes to important medical appointments and decisions that will effect DS's life, ex gets consulted and his opinion counts. He had equal say in DS's school...once DH and I made the choice to homeschool...i spoke with ex and had he said "no way", we would have respected that. WE are taking DS to see a pysch, ex was offered the chance to come along and more than likely will come to 1 of the appointments...partly because his bio links/family history are what could be impacting on DS. My DH is a major part of the nurture, but the nature...nope, that is ex.

    Every household is different...but, trying to stay on topic...from what has been described, the step mum is not needed or welcome at the appointments and she needs to respect that.

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  10. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    Every household is different...but, trying to stay on topic...from what has been described, the step mum is not needed or welcome at the appointments and she needs to respect that.
    See, I think the OP maybe DOES need to be there. Obviously I don't know anything more than what has been written in her posts, but it sounds like she is the one who is most aware of the child's problems, and what to ask/say at the appt.

    I agree that the BM does have the final say, and the OP must respect that, but I think its a pretty sad case of affairs when the OP is very involved in the upbringing of the child, yet is not allowed to be involved with important things like assessments. I don't really understand why when the OP will likely have to be involved in whatever the assessment shows.

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  12. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annabella View Post
    See, I think the OP maybe DOES need to be there. Obviously I don't know anything more than what has been written in her posts, but it sounds like she is the one who is most aware of the child's problems, and what to ask/say at the appt.

    I agree that the BM does have the final say, and the OP must respect that, but I think its a pretty sad case of affairs when the OP is very involved in the upbringing of the child, yet is not allowed to be involved with important things like assessments. I don't really understand why when the OP will likely have to be involved in whatever the assessment shows.
    I agree, she might not have a legal right but she is the one who started this so she should be able to go. Obviously she cares deeply for this child and the BM should see that. She sounds like a jealous cow lol The step mum made her sound dumb and now she is taking that out by saying she isnt welcome.

  13. #29
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    it is up to the pead to make the assessment now...the step mum is not required. The pead will assess the child and support the parents through what is needed.

    The mum and the dad are on the case...if we go by who "spotted" the problem...does that mean a child care worker or teacher gets to out rank a parent if they raised the problem first?

    Why aren't people equally disdainful towards the child's father, he didn't notice the problems either? Perhaps OP thinks her DH is a bit of an idiot too? No? Just the bio mum is getting given the hard time, of course, because we can vilify her...but why? She has 50/50 care, she refused the bribe to get out of her children's life, she has shown up to appointments and taken charge (as a mother should)...sounds like a pretty good mum to me.

    This is not about the OP's claim of ownership over the diagnosis or process...although I do notice she has come back and ONLY liked people who agree with her and not given any further input. This is not about the OP's superiority complex over the bio mum or about discriminating against people who are not as smart as she thinks she is. This is about the child...and at this point, i would say the child's mother and father are the perfect people to support them through the diagnosis.

    Simple fact...this mum is doing all the right things by her child and the step mum needs to respect that.

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  15. #30
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    I have not vilified the mother. I agreed that the OP doesn't have 'rights' to attend if BM doesn't want her there. I am also not basing my opinion on who 'spotted' the problem, but it is the OP who appears to be most aware that there IS a problem and most likely knows what questions to ask and what info might be needed for the assessment. And yes the OP did make out that her DH is pretty clueless on it all as well, which is why she feels she needs to be there.

    To me, this isn't about 'rights', it's been established she doesn't have any, but I think it's a pity they are not all involved in the child's diagnosis as they will all be involved in his care. I personally think thats the best thing for ghe child, and if my child were brjnb cared for by spmone else every second week, i would wang them to know EXACTLY how to handle whatever issues they had. I just dont understand why the mother would feel differently, maybe the OP does have a superiority complex, but possibly the BM has an inferiority complex as well, I dunno?

    I guess the only thing to do is go through what needs to be said with the husband beforehand, as PP said.


 

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