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  1. #1
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    Default Read his phone - now gutted.

    I have been separated from my parter since DD was 3 days old, she is now 8 months, during that time he has been mostly missing in action, suffering depression and basically partying. Me on the other hand has had to cope from day dot with a baby that never slept and clung to me like a koala 24/7. I work from home with her and have since she was weeks old and I can't tell you how hard that is and continues to be but on the other hand I can't bring myself to get a sitter. I'm getting off topic but I'm tired and stressed. Anyway long story short my partner convinced me to try again with him as he had gone on antidepressants, has started counselling for his many issues and had magically turned into somebody I was pround to be with, it had been wonderful, he has even gone out on bought a house to accommodate us and my children from I previous marriage, I have my own home but it's just too small for us all. Anyway yesterday he slept all day, I had an appointment at 3 and I had to wake him up to move his car ( it was parked behind mine and I can't drive a manual) he had promised to watch bub all day so I could clear work without interruptions, he slept instead and I just battled through the day till I had to wake him so I could go, he completely overreacted about being woken and did a burnout thing and went home to his house, I was majorly upset but put bub in the car and had an hour meeting with clients with her trying not to cry. Later on when she went to bed I realised he had left his phone here, and I couldn't help myself, I read all his messages while we were separated, he lied and lied and lied and said an accused me of the most vile things to mostly people I know and his family, I'm so humiliated I nearly can't breath, it's awful to imagine that all these people have this impression of me. How do I approach this with him, I shouldn't have read his phone I guess but the temptation was too great, he also wrote these things when he clearly wasn't right in the head, but yesterday was a reminder of what life is like with him, I am actually scared to wake him up! It's just an awful day and I don't know what to do next, any advice would be appreciated.

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    huge hugs....have you guys been to counselling? It sounds like you really need to.

    I would bring up what he has said to others about you in counselling...maybe from the position of someone confronting you on what you had supposedly done.

    You should NOT be scared of your partner

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    I think if it was me, I would have to come clean and admit looking at the phone. You can't take what you know now back and I am sure you want an explanation from him. Depression can mess with peoples' judgement, do you think he was saying those things out of pride? e.g to take the blame off him for the break up?
    It is worrying that you are scared of him. Tip toeing around someone, even though they might be fragile, is not good. I feel for you and I hope you are able to make some decisions soon about the best step forward. Do you have someone close to talk to? Or some family who can support you? It sounds like you need to time to breathe.
    I hope it works out for you.

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    No we haven't been together but he has started on his own for his issues. I am thinking I shouldn't of given him this chance, I was ok and managing quite well and now I just feel embarrassed hurt and humiliated. I'm not a fan of drama. No and I agree nobody should be scared to wake their partner up but I am, and this one of the reasons we were not together, he's unreliable and at the end of the day does not have my back.

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    Quote Originally Posted by acerbaby View Post
    I think if it was me, I would have to come clean and admit looking at the phone. You can't take what you know now back and I am sure you want an explanation from him. Depression can mess with peoples' judgement, do you think he was saying those things out of pride? e.g to take the blame off him for the break up?
    It is worrying that you are scared of him. Tip toeing around someone, even though they might be fragile, is not good. I feel for you and I hope you are able to make some decisions soon about the best step forward. Do you have someone close to talk to? Or some family who can support you? It sounds like you need to time to breathe.
    I hope it works out for you.<img src="images/smilies/hugs.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Hugs" smilieid="35" class="inlineimg"
    Yes he wouldn't take any responsibility for the break up at all, h refused to see the baby but told people I wouldn't let him which wasn't true, he would just say to me he couldn't be around me and so it was too hard to see her. No I don't have much support as this is really hard for me to talk about with loved ones as they are all disgusted I have given him another chance.

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    First of all ...its never nice to hear/see/read bad things about yourself, ESPECIALLY when they are lies.

    I am no good with advice but wanted to say......I think you should just not bring the phone issue up with him. Lies have been told and people have formed opinions, but try not to worry yourself with what these people think of you. It will more than likely cause more damage than its worth.

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    Judge your partner on what has happened since he 'got better' and you got back together. You accepted him then. Don't judge him for stuff that happened when he was sick/when you were apart.

    What did he accuse you of that was so bad? Was there any truth to it? Unless you think, because if the old messages, he is a threat to your/your kids safety, try not to judge him on the past. Be very careful before you admit you read his messages as that is a breech of trust and likely to inflame the situation.

    Judge him on what he is doing now. Is there any reason why he stayed in bed to 3pm? If not that's worrying, chat to him about that.

    Good luck.

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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Judge your partner on what has happened since he 'got better' and you got back together. You accepted him then. Don't judge him for stuff that happened when he was sick/when you were apart.

    What did he accuse you of that was so bad? Was there any truth to it? Unless you think, because if the old messages, he is a threat to your/your kids safety, try not to judge him on the past. Be very careful before you admit you read his messages as that is a breech of trust and likely to inflame the situation.

    Judge him on what he is doing now. Is there any reason why he stayed in bed to 3pm? If not that's worrying, chat to him about that.

    Good luck.
    He had just finished working 7 days straight the day before and yes I know he was tired, but he had slept all night and then all day and is still asleep and this happened yesterday! He is tired. I am also tired but suck it up and do what has to be done I cannot understand how he can't. No there was no truth in what he said and I don't want to share the details of what he said because its that hurtful. How do I not let that effect me with him, it's hard to pretend I didn't read and be effected And remain effected by it.Yes he has been great but it didn't last long. No he said nothing that was dangerous to the children unless of course my older children ever heard what he had been saying. I would imagine they would be hurt and embarrassed as well.

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    It sounds like you are having second thoughts about being together (as in living together). I would be. Yes he said those things when he wasn't in in right mind, but you also can't just pretend he never said them.

    Maybe things are moving too quickly and you need to step back a little. Rather than all live together again, just see each other for a while and see how things go and whether your feelings for him are strong enough to move on from what you read.

    Letting him know what you know will likely result in a massive argument and he may well feel incredibly embarrassed about what he wrote if it reminds him of a time when things weren't right with him. My brother has an alcohol induced mental illness and has been capable of great emotional cruelty at times when he's not quite right in the head and I know when he comes good it serves no purpose dredging up what was said before. It just prolongs the pain. Yes what they do hurts everyone involved but unfortunately no one can undo the past.

    Good luck.

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    I agree with pp: it sounds like you are having second thoughts about being together. Your partner is a shift worker and will have abnormal sleep patterns. Let him sleep. I don't mean to be rude but it sounds like you don't want your partner and am tagging him with unrealistic expectations in order to break you both up.

    If you want to be apart theat is fine but be honest about the reasons.


 

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