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  1. #1
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    Default Spin Off *** If you child has half-siblings

    Ive been wondering this for a while, and seeing the thread on half-siblings reminded me.
    If your child has half-siblings who live with you and your children (as in, you all live together as family), how do you ensure your younger child does not feel left out, or less spoiled, or anything that the older child/ren who go off on weekends or holidays to spend time with their father?
    I have three children to my ex-husband, and am pregnant with my 4th daughter to my current partner, and have been thinking on this since before falling pregnant.
    Obviously I will be raising them all as sisters and no half business, but when this bub is old enough to realise that something is different here, and her older sisters all go off to their fathers house and see all the gifts they get, and the special times they have, and how she is never invited, or given gifts from this man who takes her sisters away, and how excited her sisters are to see him, how do you deal with that? How do you ensure that she understands and also feels special and loved and not left out? Its going to be esp hard for us as the kids bio father is on twice the money we are and can afford far more than we can, so equaling things out will not be possible. Gosh, and at xmas, when the older girls get two sets of presents! Gah!

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    Its not holidays/money/gifts that make children happy. It's love, cuddles, being heard, attention. As long as you love your child and give them your time and affection they are not missing out on anything.

    Sounds corny I know but seriously, you needn't worry! Confident, happy, secure kids have attentive parents, that's all it takes!

  3. #3
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    Yes I am very well aware of the time spent is what counts as thats what Im counting on for my kids when they're in my care lol. They dont get lots of treats and spoils, but they get time, cuddles, stories, love and special times.
    Its just the huge difference in what they receive and the mysterious outings that the bigger ones have in comparison to the littlest one receives and sees lol.

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    Your 4th daughter will be just fine! Trust me. Kids grow up not knowing anything other than their current situation...you don't miss what you don't know, if you get what I mean. I'm not in this situation as a parent but I have one sister two years younger than me and a half-brother seven years younger. My mother didn't stay with my half-brother's father so she brought the three of us up on her own. I never thought of him as my half-brother, the term was never used and he never felt different from us. Unfortunately his father turned out to be absolutely useless, whereas my father would visit my sister and I and take us away on holidays etc. It never bothered my brother one bit - as I say, he didn't know any different. Every now and then his sisters would go away with their dad and that was it. Luckily my Dad was also great to my brother - if your ex-husband was like that it would definitely help, but it's not necessary. Like the previous poster says, it's love and attention that your child will need to be happy and well-adjusted. She'll probably grow up feeling rather special as when her sisters go away with their dad, she'll have you and your current partner all to herself

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    Thank you, thats very reassuring.
    I have no idea how my ex will be to the new baby, he does resent that Im pregnant now though as he's thinking it will take away from our current children, but Im not hugely concerned with that, but if he could at least be kind to her, that would be nice.

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    Your youngest will have her own father with her all the time! She will get to spend every day with him. Something your older children won't have. If she ever gets funny about the material possessions they're getting, remind her of that. Chances are, as your girls get older too, they might even be irritated they have to visit him (I did as a teenager - I just wanted to stay at home so I could see my friends whenever I wanted), and then your youngest will feel lucky she doesn't have to chance homes all the time.

    For me, this isn't even relevant. DD doesn't see her father, so my issue is actually the opposite. I worry she will feel inferior because any siblings I give her will at least have their father in the same country as they are. Her father moved overseas. One thing I'm going to do to make her seem less like that "odd one out," is to not chance my surname if I marry. If I did, then we'd be a house with me, DP, and any kids we have with the same surname... and then DD, stuck with her father's surname. So I'm going to make sure at least 2 of us have surnames nobody else shares.

    I'll also not be accepting anyone ever treating her lesser because she is not blood related. I'm quite worried my ILs will do this - so they can choose to treat all of my kids the same, or they can get the hell out of their lives entirely. That's the only choice they'll be given. There'll be NO mention of "half" either. Any of that, and I'll lose it.

    They'll all be MY kids, so I'm pretty sure I won't treat them any differently, and DP has raised DD for the last 4 years of her 7 years of life... so I hope that has some impact too.

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    For us, it is similar....ex on heaps more than us and, for example, DS just got back from a holiday in QLD in a 5 star resort.

    But, the upside is...when DS goes to ex...DD gets one on one time with daddy and me (i am not as special as she gets me every day lol). She misses her big brother though, and that is the bigger problem for us.

    As for presents...i figure there will be some issues over the years, but we'll deal with that as it comes. I have a reasonable relationship with ex and he loves being cheap so, i can see many years of joint presents for DS between us and we'll make sure DD gets things too...also, she will have the benefit of hand me downs so there will be stuff she doesn't need new (which your DD will have with 3 big sisters) and we can save for special stuff for her.

    It's all about balance and you'll find it over the coming years...you'll figure out what works for your family. You'll figure out what works for all your girls. The good thing about most expensive presents is that they are shareable or hand downable so just make sure your older girls have a love of sharing and it'll be fine.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SassyMummy View Post
    Your youngest will have her own father with her all the time! She will get to spend every day with him. Something your older children won't have. If she ever gets funny about the material possessions they're getting, remind her of that. Chances are, as your girls get older too, they might even be irritated they have to visit him (I did as a teenager - I just wanted to stay at home so I could see my friends whenever I wanted), and then your youngest will feel lucky she doesn't have to chance homes all the time.
    and this too....DS is 8 and already hates it when he misses out on stuff cause he with his bio dad!

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    yup, trust me, that is an issue I am thinking on too. Baby never "has" to go away from us and will get treats I guess while the others are away.
    I also worry a bit in that my youngest has been raised by my current partner and me since she was just before one year old, and she may well suffer jealousy that new baby gets to stay with us and get lots of attention. Shes very much attached to my partner and my not take kindly to the changes.
    Oh I dunno, Im borrowing worries I guess, but I just want them all to know that they are my special girls, not one more than the other. Im fiercely protective of their emotions and love them to bits.

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    the fact that you are aware and thinking about it...means you are a fabulous mum and your girls will all benefit from that

    just take it as it comes and it will work out.

    I feel guilty at times if DD gets treats when DS is away...but, I make sure I balance it out when ever I can. We have special mummy and DS dates and do special stuff together and he does karate with DH...so he gets lots of one on one time with us as well as stuff together (park outings, bush walks, movie nights after DD in bed).

    It will be ok


 

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