Hi, I wasn't quite sure where to post this, I couldn't find any section on unplanned pregnancies/terminations so I'm sorry if I am posting in the wrong area. I just need to clear my head and hopefully get some advice, as I have found myself in a situation I don't particularly want to be in. I apologist in advance if this post is long.
I am 19 Years old with a son who is three next month. During his pregnancy the father became domestically violent and abusive and put me through a lot of emotional pain. I had a hard time dealing with this and became depressed an that affected my schooling (I was continuing my senior high schooling whilst pregnant) to the point where I pulled out of school, which took a lot of stress off me but which brought a whole Lot of new emotions - loneliness and boredom . I continued with the bad relationship for the first year of my sons life Before walking away from it, moving to a better area, I began some modeling as a way to push myself out of my comfort zone of being a stay at
Home mum and to have some fun and to make friends. This brought a whole new level of confidence and happiness to me
And I made some great friends and experiences. I also met my current boyfriend who has been so supporting and loving to my son and myself for the last year and a half since I've met him. My life was getting back on track and
before I knew it I was accepted into a premier school in Brisbane to study a degree in something ive always wanted to do. I moved away from family support and my friends to study as thus was a dream come true. My boyfriend came with me and we have been here for 10 months so far. It is quite lonely down here and hard to be away from our family and friends but we have each other which is what keeps us going strong.
A couple of months ago I quit my BC pill as it was giving me bad nausea, fatigue and migraines and I couldn't take it anymore. I got a prescription for a new pill, but ended up Flying to family unexpectedly and didn't take my prescription as I wasn't expecting to be getting my period but I did so I had to wait until my next period to start on my new pill. Unfortunately my
Next period never came and I am currently 6 weeks pregnant. I was scared and shocked and also really angry with myself for
Not being more careful of preventing
This pregnancy. Yes I do take responsibility and acknowledge I could have made extra precautions to not let this happen, I won't make excuses. My partner was initially very shocked and scared also. I really don't believe in abortions as I am a Christian and also that I had an unplanned pregnancy before and know children are blessings and enjoyable. I love
Motherhood and after expressing
This to my
Partner he was okay with keeping the baby even though he had career aspirations and life goals such as travelling before he had
A full family . But now I
Have suddenly changed my mind. I'm not ready! I dont know what happened but I changed my mind overnight, there is no part of me that wants
This child as cruel as it sounds. I was really upset with myself for turning so cold about this, and my partner was upset with me also. Although I am
Turned off the idea of a baby, I am extremely cut up about this because my baby has a heart beat and is forming into a fetus already and It is against my beliefs to kill my child. I don't want to end a life. I don't know how I would feel after an abortion or whether I could forgive myself and if god could forgive me. My head is all over the place with
This decision and I don't
Know what to do. Hormones, morning sickness and fatigue have set in already and I feel like this is making my judgment Cloudy. I barely have the energy to clean or cook or be happy. I've started to feel depressed and realized
I havnt smiled or laughed in weeks. My partner has felt a tad unloved but he has been supportive and understanding, I am really lucky. He has helped me with my son and gOne out of his way to try and make me feel better... Buying me things I've been
Craving and offering massages etc. I am lucky. This morning I needed to try to clarify some of this cloudy mess in my head and I wrote down all the reasons why I don't want to go through
With the pregnancy, and I realized that although I thought I had healed from my bad experience with my ex boyfriend (my sons
Father who was abusive and domestic violent), the emotions I had weren't dealt with they were just bottled up and now they are resurfacing. The main reason for why I'm turned off this baby is because I am scared of being depressed and unhappy like I was in my last pregnancy and first year of my sons life, I went through a lot of
Hurt and it took me a Lot of time to get my life on track and learn to be happy. I dont want to go through post natal depression again. It was a really low place that has hurt me deeply. I don't want to
Feel alone or bored with life or
Emotions that depression brings. Ive struggled since falling pregnant at 16 and have worked hard to get out of that hole I was in and to be independent and
Build a better life for my son and I. I want to enjoy life and have fun
And be happy with my son and partner and I am extremely worried a new baby would rob me of that happiness, maybe I have a hormonal imbalance as the first sign that made me think I was pregnant this time was that I suddenly felt unhappy for no reason and tired an I could feel my body full of hormones. I don't want these hormones to last a whole pregnancy an post partum. I don't
Know if I truly do want an abortion, even though no part of me right now
Wants the baby, or If I am
Just feeling down from hormones. If my hormones settled down
After an abortion and I realized I didn't actually want to do
It, I'd hate myself . I want to continue being a great mother and girlfriend, I don't want to get depressed again and not be able to do that.
I'm not looking for sympathy, I am looking for advice on
How to deal with these emotions so
Can make the right decision. And
What would you do, if you were in my situation studying with a toddler and living away from family support?
Ps. I can not do adoption. Originally with my first son, I tried to abort but my morals and religious beliefs stopped me, so I was going to adopt him out, but halfway through my pregnancy I fell in love with him and changed my mind. After knowing
All the joys a child brings I know
I couldn't have a pregnancy and
Give birth only to give it away to some else.