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  1. #1
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    Default Fighting with self over abortion

    Hi, I wasn't quite sure where to post this, I couldn't find any section on unplanned pregnancies/terminations so I'm sorry if I am posting in the wrong area. I just need to clear my head and hopefully get some advice, as I have found myself in a situation I don't particularly want to be in. I apologist in advance if this post is long. 

    I am 19 Years old with a son who is three next month. During his pregnancy the father became domestically violent and abusive and put me through a lot of emotional pain. I had a hard time dealing with this and became depressed an that affected my schooling (I was continuing my senior high schooling whilst pregnant) to the point where I pulled out of school, which took a lot of stress off me but which brought a whole Lot of new emotions - loneliness and boredom . I continued with the bad relationship for the first year of my sons life Before walking away from it, moving to a better area, I began some modeling as a way to push myself out of my comfort zone of being a stay at
    Home mum and to have some fun and to make friends. This brought a whole new level of confidence and happiness to me
    And I made some great friends and experiences. I also met my current boyfriend who has been so supporting and loving to my son and myself for the last year and a half since I've met him. My life was getting back on track and
    before I knew it I was accepted into a premier school in Brisbane to study a degree in something ive always wanted to do. I moved away from family support and my friends to study as thus was a dream come true. My boyfriend came with me and we have been here for 10 months so far. It is quite lonely down here and hard to be away from our family and friends but we have each other which is what keeps us going strong. 

    A couple of months ago I quit my BC pill as it was giving me bad nausea, fatigue and migraines and I couldn't take it anymore. I got a prescription for a new pill, but ended up Flying to family unexpectedly and didn't take my prescription as I wasn't expecting to be getting my period but I did so I had to wait until my next period to start on my new pill. Unfortunately my
    Next period never came and I am currently 6 weeks pregnant. I was scared and shocked and also really angry with myself for
    Not being more careful of preventing
    This pregnancy. Yes I do take responsibility and acknowledge I could have made extra precautions to not let this happen, I won't make excuses. My partner was initially very shocked and scared also. I really don't believe in abortions as I am a Christian and also that I had an unplanned pregnancy before and know children are blessings and enjoyable. I love
    Motherhood and after expressing
    This to my
    Partner he was okay with keeping the baby even though he had career aspirations and life goals such as travelling before he had
    A full family . But now I
    Have suddenly changed my mind. I'm not ready! I dont know what happened but I changed my mind overnight, there is no part of me that wants
    This child as cruel as it sounds. I was really upset with myself for turning so cold about this, and my partner was upset with me also. Although I am
    Turned off the idea of a baby, I am extremely cut up about this because my baby has a heart beat and is forming into a fetus already and It is against my beliefs to kill my child. I don't want to end a life. I don't know how I would feel after an abortion or whether I could forgive myself and if god could forgive me. My head is all over the place with
    This decision and I don't
    Know what to do. Hormones, morning sickness and fatigue have set in already and I feel like this is making my judgment Cloudy. I barely have the energy to clean or cook or be happy. I've started to feel depressed and realized
    I havnt smiled or laughed in weeks. My partner has felt a tad unloved but he has been supportive and understanding, I am really lucky. He has helped me with my son and gOne out of his way to try and make me feel better... Buying me things I've been
    Craving and offering massages etc. I am lucky. This morning I needed to try to clarify some of this cloudy mess in my head and I wrote down all the reasons why I don't want to go through
    With the pregnancy, and I realized that although I thought I had healed from my bad experience with my ex boyfriend (my sons
    Father who was abusive and domestic violent), the emotions I had weren't dealt with they were just bottled up and now they are resurfacing. The main reason for why I'm turned off this baby is because I am scared of being depressed and unhappy like I was in my last pregnancy and first year of my sons life, I went through a lot of
    Hurt and it took me a Lot of time to get my life on track and learn to be happy. I dont want to go through post natal depression again. It was a really low place that has hurt me deeply. I don't want to
    Feel alone or bored with life or
    Any of
    Those negative
    Emotions that depression brings. Ive struggled since falling pregnant at 16 and have worked hard to get out of that hole I was in and to be independent and
    Build a better life for my son and I. I want to enjoy life and have fun
    And be happy with my son and partner and I am extremely worried a new baby would rob me of that happiness, maybe I have a hormonal imbalance as the first sign that made me think I was pregnant this time was that I suddenly felt unhappy for no reason and tired an I could feel my body full of hormones. I don't want these hormones to last a whole pregnancy an post partum. I don't
    Know if I truly do want an abortion, even though no part of me right now
    Wants the baby, or If I am
    Just feeling down from hormones. If my hormones settled down
    After an abortion and I realized I didn't actually want to do
    It, I'd hate myself . I want to continue being a great mother and girlfriend, I don't want to get depressed again and not be able to do that.

    I'm not looking for sympathy, I am looking for advice on
    How to deal with these emotions so
    I
    Can make the right decision. And
    What would you do, if you were in my situation studying with a toddler and living away from family support?

    Ps. I can not do adoption. Originally with my first son, I tried to abort but my morals and religious beliefs stopped me, so I was going to adopt him out, but halfway through my pregnancy I fell in love with him and changed my mind. After knowing
    All the joys a child brings I know
    I couldn't have a pregnancy and
    Give birth only to give it away to some else. 

  2. #2
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    i don't know what to say to help but i hope everything works out and im sure you will make the right decision with was is best for you, don't beat yourself up over it you just need to do what you think is best.

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  4. #3
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    Life is good at throwing curveballs, isn't it?
    As it's not my place to tell you what you should do in regards to baby, all that I can offer is the suggestion of counselling; you need to heal from your previous relationship. Your present relationship will not succeed if you can't move past your emotions. The sooner you see someone, you will be able to discuss your choices and get some guidance.

    In regards to studying, you may be able to defer or even study via correspondence, or with the right support, continue studying on campus.

    Wishing you all the best with what you decide

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    I think you're just scared, the sad thing is that fear makes us do things that are against what we believe is right, you did it much worse with your first son, now you have a supporting partner who is willing and able to help you through it, I think (my personal opinion) that you will regret having an abortion, I was saved two years ago an since I've learned that sometimes the devil speaks to us when we are vulnerable encouraging us to do bad (now if you think that's nuts its ok if someone said that to me three years ago I would have told them to go see a psychologist).
    Try to think about the wonderful joy a baby will bring to your family, the bond that you'll have as a mum, would you give up anything for your son? You'll feel the same about this baby too.
    Ultimately it's your decision I'm talking from personal experience and from what I've said so I hope this is somewhat helpful.
    I also hope people don't take my stance the wrong way, I know abortion is rather 'normal' nowadays but it's a terrible thing to go through and till you have you cannot know the guilt one feels

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  8. #5
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    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
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    I think if you have any doubt it's not something you should do, I have had an abortion and I think the only reason I have not regretted it or felt guilty was because I knew 100% it was the right thing to do.

    I also think you would benefit from talking to a councillor.

    Xo

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    Hugs I know what position you are in and how hard that road is to walk on.
    You said your religious beliefs stopped you from having a abortion last time but this time adoption isn't a choice? that's a bit selfish, in your words you don't want to "kill your baby" but you would rather do this then give your baby up to a loving home? Sorry but that doesn't make sence to me morally or religiously. I'm very pro choice but the whole it will be to hard things just makes me angry.

    I wish you a happy future and hope you can come to a peaceful decision.

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    I really think you should not be seeking advice on the internet for what is such a huge and very personal decision.

    People really should be saying "You need to make this decision for yourself, you are not a bad person either way, we are here for emotional support, but cannot offer you a solution to your problem". But they are not, they are letting their own beliefs and bias into their replies.

    I would never get on the internet and say what you should do either way ie - have the baby or not have the baby, even if I personally believed something. It is not my place.

    I would say that I agree with pp, get yourself a counsellor asap. Sit down and have a big talk, they won't be able to give you advice either, but they will be able to help you look at all the pros and cons etc and work through it all with you.

    I can see you are in a very difficult position - and I really hope you manage to work it out.

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  12. #8
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    That's exactly what I think and why I said what I did.
    Even if someone has been in the position of deciding on abortion, their circumstances and mind are different to yours.

    This is a decision for you and your dp, but ultimately you. Counselling will help you wade through this pool of emotions and make a much less hazy decision.

    Quote Originally Posted by beebs View Post
    I really think you should not be seeking advice on the internet for what is such a huge and very personal decision.

    People really should be saying "You need to make this decision for yourself, you are not a bad person either way, we are here for emotional support, but cannot offer you a solution to your problem". But they are not, they are letting their own beliefs and bias into their replies.

    I would never get on the internet and say what you should do either way ie - have the baby or not have the baby, even if I personally believed something. It is not my place.

    I would say that I agree with pp, get yourself a counsellor asap. Sit down and have a big talk, they won't be able to give you advice either, but they will be able to help you look at all the pros and cons etc and work through it all with you.

    I can see you are in a very difficult position - and I really hope you manage to work it out.

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    Default I feel for you..... :(

    Dear Miah,

    I really feel for you. It is obvious that you are confused given your lengthy message and the fact that you stayed up until midnight to write it. I assume that you have lost a lot of sleep because of your pregnancy?

    I'm actually kind of in the same boat as you. I'm currently over 14 weeks pregnant and still haven't decided if I should abort my child. The two things preventing me from aborting my child is that I cannot bear the thought of killing my own child and the lack of family support.

    My situation is different because my ex partner who I had been going out for 2 years had always said that he wanted a child with me so we tried for 18 months before this miracle happened. But after I told him I was pregnant, his entire attitude changed. He was not prepared to have a child with me and ended up drinking with his friends every night. He deserted me, he abandoned me. I found out I was pregnant when I was 6 weeks but since that time, he has not visited me once. My ex partner apparently has a wife and he only recently told me that he will not get a divorce as he does not have the heart to leave her as she has done him no wrong. I was obviously devastated and could not in my imagination believe what was being said to me. I was unable to accept the truth.

    I have always wanted a child but given my circumstances, one part of my mind tells me to abort my child but the other half tells me that motherhood is a very beautiful thing. I have no contact with my family at all as they are all opposed to me going out with my ex partner in the first place so I have not been on good terms with them for over a year now, nor have they even tried to call me. About one month ago, I messaged them to tell them that I was pregnant but did not even receive one message in return.

    I hate myself for choosing the wrong person to be my soul mate and I'm afraid that I will end up hating this child of mine. If I continue with this pregnancy, I will have no family support. I know that this child of mine will have no father, will have no aunties or uncles or even grandpas or grandmas, so it really breaks my heart.

    However, last night I was looking at images of aborted fetuses online and the images were just too unbearable. I cannot make myself to kill my own child, knowing that it is currently a perfectly healthy baby. I know that this child will be my baggage forever as it will affect my work, it will affect my lifestyle and will most definitely affect my future relationships with any potential partners but at the end of the day, it is the only thing that I have left that I can proudly say is completely mine.

    One half of my friends tell me to abort the child and the other half tells me that the child is innocent and deserves to live. I have been seeing a psychologist lately and it is just so relieving to have someone hear what I need to say as opposed to giving me their own opinion which I may not necessarily agree but will nevertheless be inevitably influenced. Just remember at the end of the day, it is your own choice and you will need to live with your choice. No one will suffer the consequences from the decision that you make other than yourself.

    Provided that you know what you want and are sure that whatever decision you make, you will have no regrets, then go for it and don't look back.

    I know as for myself, after seeing my psychologist, I now know what I want and what I don't want. My thoughts are now a lot clearer. Please see a psychologist to get some counselling. Trust me, it will make you think clearer and you will be a happier person once you have made up your mind.

    All the best Miah.

  15. #10
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    Theophania is offline 'see what had happened was..there were these three ninjas and a blue monkey and well it really wasn't my fault..'
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    Wow OP what a really hard situation to find youself in. It is obviously a very scary and confusing place you are in. I can't say what I would do in your position as I have never been there but I am a student and I have a 2 and 3 year old.

    I can also understand your fear of depression. I suffered with PND after both of mine, and it is the most horrible place to be. After my second bub I started antidepressants very quickly and did not suffer as long as I did after my sons birth. I eventually came off the medication and I was fine, but it did help me through the hard times.

    OP I definitely think its worth speaking to a counsellor to help you work through everything. Like you said its a big decision to make and I think having a bit of extra support would make it a whole lot easier to figure out what you want to do.

    Hugs to you OP, I hope you can come to a decision thats best for you


 

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