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  1. #1
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    Default lack of respect as a SAHM????

    hi

    i responded to a thread here the other day..but it got me thinking. i feel a real lack of respect being a sahm!!!!.....at least compared to when i was working again after having first bub.......for starters i feel like am expected to have a shimmering clean house every day and cos i dont then im a "bludger" and somehow a faliure... for example....a while ago my dH and I discussed him taking leave at half pay and me working full time for a while...however as i pointed out this would happen when my DD went into 2 days a week childcare..so i said "well that would be so easy for you as u would have 2 possibly 3 whole days a week to YOURSELF"...he quicky made some sarcastic comment about our "shimmering house" in reference to my 'housework' skills....ffs!!!! ive had fights with my mum about it when she visits..ie absurd suggestions on her behalf that i "clean out the linen cupboard"....when??? with keeping up with 2 babies, the washing, keeping kitchen relatively tidy and the odd vaccuum and mop seriously SERIOUSLY the linen cupboard???? !!!! the MIL suggested i needed to set "modules" every day ie clean two shelves of the fridge out etc..............my dH does NO housework..i mean he did a little bit when i worked but even his ONE designated job of taking the rubbish out he varely does and seems peeved that i dont do it for him.....am i missing something..when one becomes a SAHM does that mean i jump in a time machine and the bloke stops doing ANY housework??? does that mean every gaddam man and his dog can waltz thier a$$ into my home and make suggestions on how i need to improve my cleaniness...seriously how RUDE!!!! do other SAHM cop this sort of stuff????? i feel like im living in 1953...........honestly lately ive been feeling like maybe going back to PT work earlier just to get some freakin respect....back then it was more like "well u work AND look after the kid/s, you should get a cleaner" to having another baby but magically im supposed to find an extra 6 hours every day to keep a shimmering home....as another hubber mentioned i go WEEKS sometimes with no me time at all............anyway my DH had a bug this weekend (aka man cold-bug etc) and i had several coffee's etc planned with friends as last weekend i ended up having to take DS to hospital with DD and DH was away that weekend...i really thought "i dont care if DH is sick....suck it up etc and paid no attention to his pathetic man cold moans and groans LOL...numerous times he has let it slip that i "do nothing all day"...mm excpet try to raise your 2 children to be well adjusted, well attached, well behaved loving and loved human being ffs....

    anyway..im curious as to how others have dealt with this? ive tried to explain to DH and others but seriously they dont get it.....can u actually keep a clean house with fully BF 5 mo and a spirited 2 yo??? do ppl really value a clean house above a well developed child? ..............????

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    onedayatatime  (09-11-2012)

  3. #2
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    London is offline “I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves" - Betty White
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    SAHM often lack respect....even from other SAHM. "Well *I* can do xyz before lunch time" ....thats nice...for you. Every person is different, every situation is different...try not to let it get to you too much.

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    OJandMe is offline I am the strength my children will have.
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    Oh I've been there!!

    Just try and develop a really strong value in yourself, and honestly... when someone makes a comment about the house.... say.. "well if it bothers you... why don't YOU do it, or take the kids for a day so I can?" (ie: Mum, MIL or DH)

    It's so rude.. Can you just say that? How would they react if you said "you know what, coming into someone else's house and talking about how 'you' would clean it.. is just plain rude and I don't appreciate it."

    However... I went through a few years of this... and it's only recently (the last year) that I've started paying more attention to the house, and that's because the kids are getting older. You've still got babies. Painting and playing is more important than linen cupboards for sure!

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    I had the same thing for years. I've been a SAHM since Jan 2008 when our first was born. She has special needs, so the first few years were VERY FULL ON. The housework really slipped because she needed so much of my time. I now have a 1yo bub as well so things are now really really busy for me. My house was an absolute bomb site for ages, which i hated, but the kids were my priority. Several of the speciallists we see with DD have commended me many times on my efforts with her as she is "remarkably well adjusted" (considering her developmental issues and disabilities) and then i come home to hear what a crappy housewife i am (wtf?!?!).

    It all came to a head about six months ago, i couldn't take it anymore and i threw the biggest hissy fit over it all. But the real clincher was when i got swine flu and the doctor told my husband he had to take a week off work to take over at home and care for me. She said i was not to get out of bed and needed total rest. He was like "i'm not doing that." So the doc was like "well it's like this: either you take a week off work and care for your wife, or i admitt her to hospital for proper care where she could potentially catch something else and be stuck for a month." So he reluctantly took time off to care for me. It was a huge wake up call for him having to care for the kids and me and manage the house. He didn't even make it thru the first day before he started complaining how hard it was!

    Since then, DH has hired a cleaner to come once a fortnight to do all the heavy cleaning so i can devote more time to the kids. It's still fairly untidy, but he no longer complains about the house, in fact he occasionally compliments me on how well i manage!

    I do know what you're going thru. I don't recommend getting the flu, but if you can have him step into your shoes for a while somehow, things might improve for you. Hugs to you!

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    onedayatatime  (09-11-2012)

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    Quote Originally Posted by London View Post

    SAHM often lack respect....even from other SAHM. "Well *I* can do xyz before lunch time" ....thats nice...for you. Every person is different, every situation is different...try not to let it get to you too much.
    I think this too.

    Im really into the clean house thing for me. I actually enjoy it. But thats me. And I would never judge another stay at home mum for not doing it my way.

    Ive found that I've been criticised by other mums for having a clean house, as if it somehow makes me a less involved mum. So I do understand how you feel.

    It does sound like moat of the put downs are coming from your husband, mum and mother in law which is a shame. They should be part of your support network, not the people who make you feel bad.

    Im sorry, I have no real advice. Try to have faith in yourself.

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    Happy2be3  (08-02-2013)

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    Yep,
    My dp tells his mates he does 'everything' while i sit on my fat **** doing nothing,
    When he complains i say well you notice it how about you do it,
    I've taken to throwing his shoes out side and his garbage all over his precious computer when he complained i say you dont want it on the computer then dont leave it on the desk!

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    thanks....i have started saying things when ppl comment and i feel the only they listen is when u chuck the big hissy fits...calmly trying to say / explain hasnt gotten me anywhere! i was always a messy person even as a child so why i would suddenly be able to change i dont know....maybe my DH has finally realised that this house isnt going to be the House and Garden frontpage as he suggested we get a cleaner once a fortnight. i guess my DH annoys me as for months i have listened to how strssed he is at work and has to work overtime etc and tbh he is jealous of me being able to be a SAHP...he admitted once...but the grass is always greener on the other side and i would love to see him have to deal with it just so he could understand what it was like...i mean if he were to do the SAHP then DD wouldnt be going into care!!! personally i dont think he would last the 6 months!!! yesterday the baby was grizzly crying etc and he went to put her down so he could go do something and she immediately started crying and he got peeved...im like welcome to the world of SAHP...this is what is like some days!!!! but yes ppl can be so rude ..i would never walk into someones home and make "suggestions" on how to improve the cleaniness / look/ whatver of it...i guess i just need to defend myself every time im picked on....i find that when i stop that the rudeness starts back up from others again like lately.

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    Yup I copped it too. I got it from my now ex husband, and his family. He never did a damn thing around the house, ever. EVER! I raised the kids from birth doing everything alone, and I was expected to keep a pristine house and to do the family finances (I didnt do that, but damn I wish I did now), cook and take care of him. Once when things got really bad in our marriage his parents came to rescue me and the kids, and then they both sat me down and had a go at me about the housework and how I should do it all better.
    Even now that we are divorced and both repartnered, when he gets the crankies at me, he will bring up again how I didnt take care of him properly and give him clean socks all neatly folded for him and the housework wasnt up to scratch.
    Unbelievable. Let me just say that what he means by not doing the housework well enough was that the washing was not folded and put away, and the floors could have done with a better job and some general neatening and fine cleaning was not done. I admit to never ever cleaning downstairs but in my defence there, I also never went down there as that was his domain and therefore in my opinion, his job to clean. That was IT!
    Now I am with a man who respects that what I do is tiring and hard, and when we are both home, he helps, he makes his own lunch, washes his own clothes, adn when I speak to him about maybe I should do more for him, he reminds me that he is a grown man and has looked after himself for many years and its not my job to parent him.
    This one will not be an ex lol. IT really does astound me where these attitudes come from and why it is ALWAYS the woman who is judged, not ever do you enter a home and think, man that husband is a total slacker, why doesnt he clean more, or gee that man could clean the toilet, geeee. It seems that certain traditional old world beliefs have not changed at all, and I find that very sad.

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    I am one of those people who don't cope with a messy house so yes I keep it clean, but I have my mum telling me to leave it all the time! However, my mum kept our house immaculate as kids but she has said that in her generation how clean your house was what part of being a 'good parent: and your parenting skills were judged on how clean and tidy your house was. She comments now that is is ridiculous but perhaps this is where your mum and IL's are coming from. It sounds like your DH is slowly getting it which is good and perhaps he can stand up to his mum for you when she comments, or as a pp has saod tell her if she takes the kids for the day you'll be able to get these jobs done.
    As for your mum, it's up to you how you handle it...either tell her straight out or make a joke of it. My mum always comments that I never have tissues in my handbag when the kids need them. I get the 'you think you wpuld know by.now to pack tissues in your bag' so I just commented one day and said that I didn't do it because I was so perfect in evrry other way but no one is perfect so this is the one thing that stops me from being perfect. She hasn't commented about my lack of tissues again!

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    My DH didn't learn how hard being a SAHP is until he started doing it. He's been doing it for just over a year now, and he really understands what it's like.


 

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