+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Newcastle
    Posts
    544
    Thanks
    32
    Thanked
    45
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Best friend getting divorced - Father nasty & with-holding kids. Advice please.....

    This is about my best friend who is getting divorced from her husband. It has turned really nasty and heavily involves the children.

    I really just wanted to see if anyone has been through this before and ask how it turned out.

    Long story short my best friend and her hubby have been having trouble for the last 3-4 years. He has moved out once 3 years ago and had his ‘me time’ (without kids) and then moved back in a few months later. A few months ago he wanted to move out again but still be together. He said he needed his space. She said no and wanted to separate permanently. He did move out. During this time of separation he found out that she was friendly with a male and had been talking to this male about their problems. She has actually started seeing this guy now and is going ahead with the divorce from her hubby (for those that think she has moved quickly, I agree, but that is what has happened and I don’t judge her for it). Her hubby is livid and is doing everything to make her life hell and getting the kids heavily involved.

    Before they split she was full time mum for their 3 children (aged 11, 9 and almost 8). She has raised them 100% until this time as her hubby worked till dinner time 6 days a week and did not have a lot of time with the kids. He provided very well for them financially but that was all he provided (no other support physically, mentally, emotionally etc).

    He is now focusing all his attention on the children and is practically brainwashing them, feeding them lies and pushing them away from her. I believe he is doing this as he knows this is how he can hurt her. I think her oldest child is lapping up the attention he is getting from his dad (that he has not had for the 1st 10 years of his life) and the younger two have always followed in what their older brother wants to do as they look up to him. He is also spending a lot of money on them. He lives in a penthouse on the harbor, has bought them a pedigree dog, flown them to the snow for a holiday and also the gold coast. On the other hand my friend has moved into her parents house as she cannot afford to pay rent anywhere. She really has no idea about their finances. He obviously has money wrapped up in his businesses somewhere but she doesn’t know how to access it (he has told centrelink that he is only earning $60K a year??. She knows that he was earning ALOT more than that when they were together). She has a solicitor and they are filing for court soon to sort out the custody arrangements with the children and the finances.

    He has told all 3 kids that their mum was having an affair (she wasn’t while they were together). Her oldest calls her on the phone and is very negative and rude. She thinks he is reading from something written as he sounds just like his father with the inappropriate things he says to her. The other 2 are not allowed to talk on the phone OR she is told that they don’t want to talk to her. Her hubby is with-holding the kids from her when she is meant to have them. He does this by picking them up early from school or not taking them to school at all. He has hacked into her face book and emails. He has vandalized her clothes and personal items. He currently has the kids and she doesn’t know where they are (they are not at his apartment) and he won’t return her phone calls (it is meant to be her time with them). He has made false claims of physical abuse (claiming that my friend has abused the oldest child which as not happened). The list of nasty things he is doing is very long ………… It is so bad that I (and alot of other people) are concerned about the long term mental/emotional and social damage this guy is doing to his kids.

    I guess my question is has anyone been in a similar situation and what was the outcome? When they go to court will the court see through his vindictive lies (about the kids and the money)? And will she get her fair share of custody (she is desperately missing her kids)? And how do you rebuild your relationship with your children once they have been through something like this?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Newcastle
    Posts
    544
    Thanks
    32
    Thanked
    45
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Does anyone have any similar stories or advise????
    I am really worried about my best friend and her kids .....
    Maybe this is the wrong place to post this?

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    1234
    Posts
    2,821
    Thanks
    887
    Thanked
    583
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    How a Court will rule is anyone's guess. She needs to research parental alienation and keep as many notes as she can. Hopefully it all works out ok for your friend.

    Advise for you... Don't get involved. By all means, listen to your friend, be a listening ear, but at the end if the day, your friend has to figure this out on her own.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Sydney, NSW
    Posts
    4,087
    Thanks
    1,466
    Thanked
    1,215
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I couldn't read and not answer. Firstly what a horrible story. Your poor friend
    I don't have experience in this but the fact that he is taking the kids, not returning her calls and she doesn't know where they are, that is called kidnapping. I would contact the police asap and tell them that the father of her children has taken her kids and he won't answer calls and she has no idea where they are. If she hasn't already, she needs to keep records of everything he is doing or saying to her. Is he texting horrible things about the kids? Tell her to save everything in physical evidence that she has for when they go to court. It just sounds all so very strange how someone can turn like that .. good luck to your friend OP.

  5. #5
    SuperGranny's Avatar
    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    sunshine coast qld
    Posts
    6,140
    Thanks
    4,541
    Thanked
    2,719
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    hi, i havent had any expierence but I would suggest your friend needs to document the lies, and the missed times that she should have had the children but he didnt hand them over. I would ask friends and family to give her written statements, about her abilities as a mother, and also about the time frame for this new relationship. She needs to prove or at least cast doubt on all of the bad things he is saying. The court should not just accept his word against hers, but if she has other people gving statements that support her story it will be better for her. As for the children, their father might be able to influence them at this time with his money, and 'im the good guy" sort of stuff, but they will see the truth as they get a bit older. good luck to your friend. Marie.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Newcastle
    Posts
    544
    Thanks
    32
    Thanked
    45
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Thanks everyone for your replies.
    My friend is doing most of the things that you have all suggested. She has filed a report with the police for the times that her hubby withheld the kids. The police even called him and when he eventually answered he wouldnt say where he was but just that the kids were safe. She is documenting as much as she can. She is keeping a diary and has kept text messages and recorded one of the ph calls with her hubby. She has photos of damage her hubby did to her house and clothing. The thing is that he is doing the same but alot of what he is documenting is false as he is just out to hurt her. He had a lot of control over her when they were together and now that he has lost that it seems that he is really angry about it. She is also seeing a counsellor at relationships australia so hope fully they will be able to 'back her up' with some kind of support.
    I am not getting too involved but if she calls me then I am there for her and we text and talk a few times a week. I am keeping my distance from her hubby too and have not (and do not want to) see him as I think that will just make matters worse. Plus none of us want to cause a scene in front of the kids.

    Hi CHEERILEE
    Oh my – being away from your children for that long must have been extremely hard. The longest my friend has been away from her kids is 2 weeks. And then she will only see them for 2 days and they go back to their dad. How did you get your kids to want to be with you? As I said earlier this father is buying the kids attention and he is feeding the oldest one lies so he doesnt like his mum at the moment and the younger 2 just want to do what their older brother is doing.

    As for court orders she is filing for a court date this week with her solicitor. Hopefully the wheels are in motion

    “My children were told all sorts of things about me. They were coached to say things to the police and DOCS.....”
    This is exactly what is happening to my friend..... exactly!!! The children have been told by their father that they can’t trust their mother, that she is a liar and they are not safe with her. I can’t believe a parent would feed their children lies like this. DOCs are now involved as well as the oldest says he has been hit by his mum and his grandfather and it is just more lies. I hope the authorities can see through these lies too

    “Write letters to the children, photograph them so she can show them later she did attempt to contact them. Write a diary with the view to being able to show them when they are older. Buy presents and keep them for when she sees them.”
    This is great advise – I will suggest it to her too.

    Thank you so much for replying. Im really sorry that you and your children had to go through this too.

    Just a few more questions – Do you mind if I ask how old your children were when they were going through this? Do they understand now that their father was being untruthful? How did you rebuild your relationship with your children? Did you go to counseling together? My friends children don’t want to be with her because of what the father is saying .... so how did you get them to want to spend time with you after all your time apart?
    Im really sorry for all the questions

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    1,110
    Thanks
    70
    Thanked
    652
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    I couldn't read and not answer. Firstly what a horrible story. Your poor friend
    I don't have experience in this but the fact that he is taking the kids, not returning her calls and she doesn't know where they are, that is called kidnapping. I would contact the police asap and tell them that the father of her children has taken her kids and he won't answer calls and she has no idea where they are. If she hasn't already, she needs to keep records of everything he is doing or saying to her. Is he texting horrible things about the kids? Tell her to save everything in physical evidence that she has for when they go to court. It just sounds all so very strange how someone can turn like that .. good luck to your friend OP.
    It's not kidnapping as they are legally is kids too. The police won't do anything unless there is a parenting order in place. She needs to go through mediation/court to get them back. The system sucks but that's the way it is. Women do it to men as well.

    OP - I truly feel sorry for your bestfriend it must be heartbreaking for her not knowing where her kids are and her ex husband trying to turn them against her and mentally brainwashing them. She needs to go through her solicitor and take him to court.. it's really the only thing she can do

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Newcastle
    Posts
    544
    Thanks
    32
    Thanked
    45
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Renesme View Post
    It's not kidnapping as they are legally is kids too. The police won't do anything unless there is a parenting order in place. She needs to go through mediation/court to get them back. The system sucks but that's the way it is. Women do it to men as well.

    OP - I truly feel sorry for your bestfriend it must be heartbreaking for her not knowing where her kids are and her ex husband trying to turn them against her and mentally brainwashing them. She needs to go through her solicitor and take him to court.. it's really the only thing she can do
    Thanks - she did involve the police and they called him and filed a report but u r right - they couldnt make him do anything. She is going thru a solicitor now and they have filed for court but it may take 6 weeks to even get to the first court appointment??

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Newcastle
    Posts
    544
    Thanks
    32
    Thanked
    45
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    ..........
    If your friends exdh he has damaged her home and belongings, she could lodge a DVO. If the children witnessed the events, it may be possible to get them named on the orders as well. The domestic violence laws have recently been expanded to include to children witnessing abuse as counting as abuse against the children. If she got the children named on the orders, it may be a way to get them back now???? (would need to see a solicitor about this)

    See here for a good explanation:

    http://australiandivorce.blogspot.co...e-changes.html

    ..............While her exdhs behaviour will count against him when they finally get to court over custody, it can take years to get to court and your friend needs to act now.
    The kids and my friend were not at home when this damage occured so there are no witnesses which makes it hard. He was moving his things out of their home at the time it occured. He put hair removal products in her shampoo, splashed bleach on her towels and on the carpet, wiped bleach on her pants and tops (the crutch and breast areas!!), cut buttons off her clothes and a few other things. She has photos of all these things but can she really prove that he did it?? So not sure if getting a DVO will apply to her as there was not violence directly to her or the kids. And to make matters worse (as I said earlier) his is now claiming that she is abusing/hitting the 11 yo child - which is another of his lies.
    She did originally see the police about a restraining order as he was constantly harrassing her with texts and phone calls but the police said that it wasnt worth her getting one????? These calls have now stopped but I think its because he has the kids and he doesnt want her to know what they are doing or where they are.
    Thank you for your advice anyway - I will definaltey pass the web site onto her.
    I really hope the courts do see through his lies.........

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Newcastle
    Posts
    544
    Thanks
    32
    Thanked
    45
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I have just spent the morning with my friend as she had organised a birthday party for her youngest (turns 8 soon) with friends and family. The birthday girl did not turn up as her father refused to bring her. My friend was not even allowed to talk to her daughter .......... How can anyone do this to their kids and think it is ok???


 

Similar Threads

  1. Advice re: unusal crying-holding breath then vague episode please.
    By angemum2b2 in forum General Child Health Issues
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 27-02-2013, 18:25
  2. Need some advice about my 2 divorced sisters
    By baby4us in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 18-09-2012, 15:37
  3. Replies: 2
    Last Post: 13-02-2012, 14:44

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
WaterWipes
Give your babies bottom a gift this Xmas! They are the only wipe made using just water and a drop of grapefruit seed extract and may help avoid nappy rash. Check out the great reviews on bubhub and see our website for more info and availability.
sales & new stuffsee all
Wendys Music School Melbourne
Wondering about Music Lessons? FREE 30 minute ASSESSMENT. Find out if your child is ready! Piano from age 3 years & Guitar, Singing, Drums, Violin from age 5. Lessons available for all ages. 35+ years experience. Structured program.
Use referral 'bubhub' when booking
featured supporter
Swim Australia
Swim Australia are the leading learn-to-swim experts, and national swim school authority. With over 600 Registered Swim Schools located across the country, through our aquatic education, we aim to build a Safer, Smarter, Stronger nation of swimmers.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!