I'm not sure. For me, I have always, since I was a really young girl, imagined being pregnant, giving birth, nuturing my infant - breastfeeding etc. I adore kids, I'm a nanny and have been yearning for kids for so, so long.
When I found myself in a same-sex relationship, I grieved the experience of trying to conceive naturally. Now we're trying to conceive through a clinic and I'm grieving the fact that we'll never have a child that's genetically linked to both of us.
We've always said we both wanted to carry a baby and we always said I'd go first because I wanted it more (and now it's also the financially sensible option too, even though DP is older she's just started a new career).
I've also always wanted to be a stay at home mum, and I think now I'm grieving the fact that when DP has a baby, it'll make sense for her to stay at home with the kids, at least while the newborn is tiny and I might not get that experience? That I might not get to breastfeed both of my children, that one will seem more 'hers' and one more 'mine'? (Which I desperately hope not to be the case). That her family will love her baby more or vice versa?
I've no idea how it'll pan out. DP has always said she can't imagine doing my job (hanging out with babies all day) so she'd probably go back to work quite early on in the piece, but what if she changes her mind and wants to be home? I guess we would have to try and work out a happy medium.
Of course, none of this may happen! I am probably over-thinking everything. But sometimes I wish she didn't want to carry a baby so it wouldn't be an issue. Having a baby has always been my driving force, so yes it's both primal and how I imagine my life.
And I know how much a baby becomes the centre of your world and I guess I'm prepared for that, I'm not prepared for DP having a baby and deciding to stay at home with it.
I'm also a bit worried that our families will inadvertently love our biological babies more than the others, but that's unfair of me to project onto them because I don't actually think it'll be the case.
Sorry this is so long! Hope it helps - feel free to ask anything x