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  1. #1
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    Default Jealous of my pregnant same sex partner

    I'm really hoping there are some other lesbian mums out there who can lend me a supportive ear.

    I am the proud birth mum of our 19mth old son. My partner and I have been together for 6years and over that time, our plans and ideas about parenting have changed. More specifically, in the early days, my then girlfriend wasn't sure she wanted kids. I thought it would break us. But then she came around to the idea (thank goodness!) but didn't want to be pregnant or give birth herself. So i was to birth two babies.

    Around the time we found our donor, she decided that she too wanted to carry and birth a baby, so it made sense that we would have one each. I went first as I was older and more clucky (through IVF) and became pregnant relatively quickly. I had a fabulous pregnancy and a wonderful birth. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I loved every bit of it. I have wanted to have a child my whole life. I have resigned from my job and am enjoying being at home full time with our son.

    But time was ticking so it was my partner's turn to get pregnant and now she is!! 6 weeks. We have our first scan this week.

    I have been feeling so mixed up through the whole TTC process and now she's actually pregnant, I wish more than anything that it was me. I feel so much grief and sadness that our son will be the only pregnancy and birth I experience. My partner is amazing, is aware of my feelings and doesn't take it personally one bit! She's a gem. But I feel so guilty that I'm jealous. And at times I resent that she is the one who is pregnant and has changed her mind from the early days - which of course she has every right to do.

    Does any of this ring true for anyone else? Does anyone else have a similar experience? I'm so stuck in my grief, I feel I am missing some of the joy of this new life that is growing in her belly. Our baby. I try to shield her from my feelings which at times makes me grumpy and that's no fun for anyone. I'm due to see a counsellor in a couple of weeks and hope I can get some support around this, but the thing I long for is to talk to someone who "gets it". another lesbian mum in a similar situation.
    Is there anyone out there?

  2. #2
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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    I'm not a same sex parent, but just thought I would send you some hugs. It is natural that you would feel like you are missing out on something when you thought you would be getting to be pregnant again. I hope that you manage to find a way to feel ok with the fact that it is not you carrying this time and wish you all the best for you and your growing family.

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    JuliaGrrl  (25-09-2012)

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    hug

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    JuliaGrrl  (25-09-2012)

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    rainbow road is offline look at the stars, look how they shine for you
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    Hugs.

    I'm not in your position yet, but I think I will be when my partner carries no. 2. (Not even preg with 1 yet). I know it's a way away, but I'm already worrying about how I'll be!

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    JuliaGrrl  (25-09-2012)

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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    Im not in the situation, but if I may offer my thoughts, perhaps it is just because you had such a wonderful pregnancy and birth, you wish to be able to enjoy that whole thing again. It is not really jealousy, that you dont want her to be having the expierence, but more that you want to be sharing it with her. Why does your son have to be the only time you can be pregnant?? Can you not have a second child if you wish to. ?? I can understand your feelings. Marie.

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    JuliaGrrl  (25-09-2012)

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    Default Rainbow Roa - thank you

    Rainbow Road - I'd be interested to hear more, if you felt comfortable to share. What is it that makes you feel you could share some of these experiences? Is it something primal, innate inside you? Is it about how you imagine yourself and your life? I'd really like to hear more of your thoughts.....xxxxx JG
    Last edited by JuliaGrrl; 25-09-2012 at 22:06.

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    Default Supergranny - thank you

    Thank you for your posting Supergranny. Sometimes I try to convince myself that we could have three children, but I honestly don't know that we could. We have always imagined ourselves as a two child family, it was just going to be me birthing both those children. My partner works in the community sector and I would like to stay out of the workforce for our children's early years. We make ends meet but can't afford a holiday, for example. I'm not sure we would be able to manage three children? I don't know. I don't know what the practical considerations would be. Do you have any thoughts on this? Thank you for your kind words and support. I really do appreciate it.JG

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    Default jealousy

    Yes, Supergranny, maybe I need to reframe the idea of jealousy...thank you.

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    Default Special Patrol Group - thank you.

    Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I really appreciate it. JG.

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    I think I understand where you are coming from. My partner and I (we are same sex parents) have a 17 month old boy that we both adore but it was, and still can be at times, really hard for me not to be jealous that I didn't give birth to him.
    The beginning was the worst because our idea of what being mums would be like was so ridiculously different to reality. I pictured us both staying at home (or working part time), watching our child grow together in blissful happiness when in reality I HAD to work full time while my partner stayed at home (breastfeeding).
    All along through the pregnancy he was 'our' baby, but when he was born, and I guess rightfully so, he was mostly Nikki's baby.
    I ended up feeling like an outsider, working long hours to pay the bills and mortgage - watching my partner and baby bond and although I was over the moon for Nikki (my partner), deep down there was a twingy feeling of 'where's my baby?, 'what about my time with bub?'
    I hated myself for resenting her and it got to a point recently where I thought she'd had enough of me and that we were going to break up but I made a decision that every time I felt jealous I'd make myself think about what life would be like for me without Nikki and my son and it snaps me out of it every time.
    I think that maybe it's normal for two women (regardless of sexuality or relationship to one another) who both want to be pregnant and have babies to be jealous in this situation. It's normal to be female and want to have children doesn't matter if your gay or straight. It's normal to feel jealous of something you don't have but someone else close to you does.
    Try not to be too hard on yourself and instead of getting cranky when you feel bad give your partner and bub a cuddle and think about how lucky you are to have them and another one on the way... that's what I do anyway.
    Last edited by Candiceo; 26-09-2012 at 14:32.

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