I am new to BubHub but thought I would register so I could have people to talk to.
I have a history of depression - along with eating disorders and borderline personality disorder. I am not sure if I have PND but all i know is things arent right. To make things worse I went off my medication a few weeks before my little one was born so perhaps that is a contributing factor to the way I am feeling now. Also, I have been in counselling for 2+ years but stopped going ever since bub was born.
My little girl, Roxy-Rae was born 10 weeks ago. I was booked in for an induction at 38 weeks because she wasnt growing anymore. Day of induction... i was petrified. After being hooked up to the monitors it was established that her heart rate was way too high for an induction (187bpm) so i had to have a c-section. My fiance was with me, as well as my mum... however, my fiance also invited his cousin in to the birthing suite. Yes, I love his cousin to bits but i was already in a highly emotional state so i felt aggitated the whole time knowing that she was there. I didnt have the heart to ask her to leave.
C-Section was definitely the best choice my OB made. My daughter had a knot in her cord (which they thought was a hernia while i was pregnant), and the cord was around her neck 3 times, hence why she wasnt growing. She was born at 2.38kg - 5lb4oz... she was a tiny little nugget.
Being in hospital was horrible. I firstly wasnt impressed with the midwives but my partner had to take care of Roxy-Rae for the first 2 days because i literally couldnt move. I almost feel as if he resents me for that and I feel horrible that i wasnt there to take care of her in her first days. The hospital i was at is one i will never go to again,... a private hospital too!... On her first night they took her to special care and they said it was for a few hourse.... They didnt bring her back for 10+ hours and wouldnt tell me why! and i couldnt exactly get up and walk to the nursery to see her. It was horrible... my little button was away from me and i all i wanted to do was hold her.
Being at home is driving me insane. I am the kind of person that gets bored so easily and i NEED to work. I was on a six figure income so the lack of funds isnt that great....
The constant sound of Roxy crying sets me off. I feel as if i am not good enough to take care of the little one. Why does she cry so much? She is also starting to get attached to me.. She will only go to sleep if i am holding her or lying next to her.
My partner and I have so many arguments during the night when she wakes up. We argue about who has to get up to her... its usually me. And so it should be. He is working of course so i feel as if I need to be there to take care of the baby. But its soooo tiring. It also makes it harder that my partner plays football and is gone 3 nights of the week.
I am so fed up with it all. I feel as if i have lost my life. I feel as if i now have no purpose except to look after Roxy-Rae. I hate it when my partner leaves the house each day, i usually cry. Just tonight he asked if i even have a life anymore outside of him and Roxy..... I dont... The thing is i dont want to leave the house, i am not happy with myself and the way i look after having a baby. I only gained about 12kg during pregnancy and have lost it all since but i just HATE myself right now. I dont want to be around people at all.
Yesterday I enrolled Roxy in to day care, starting 4 weeks from now... i am going back to work because i just need to get away. At the same time the reality of it all is upsetting me. I dont want someone else to 'mother' my child because i am too weak to deal with her myself.
Its all so hard and I guess i just wanted to right all of this to let it out and hopefully hear from others who have been in my shoes.