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  1. #1
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    Default PND? Inlaws visiting

    This is just a rant into cyberspace because I'm feeling utterly miserable

    My husband's parents are staying with us to meet their new grandson who is a month old. We asked them to leave it this long so we could get the hang of parenting before having people staying here. They've made a few comments to my hubby about how they were much more flexible when they had kids, and that they did it four times so we have nothing to complain about, and that they did it much tougher with second hand furniture etc.

    As you can imagine, I'm sleep deprived and our little boy is very sensitive to unusual activities, gets over stimulated and then can't settle. He will tense his little body and scream for hours. To top it off I have nipple thrush which is making feeding agony. My breasts are so sore I can hardly sleep. We are also having some attachment issues on one side which makes my nipple pain a million times worse as he pulls away repeatedly. I've seen a lactation consultant 3 days ago and we are treating the thrush and attachment issues, but at this stage I'm feeling no improvement.

    I've had a number of teary days since we came home from hospital, mostly related to feeling stressed about making the house nice for visitors and stressed about missing opportunities for day sleeps when the baby sleeps. The nipple thrush and attachment issues have been quietly bothering me emotionally, as it does make me feel like a bit of a failure and really makes feeding a miserable experience.

    So now the inlaws are here. They initially said they would stay a couple of days but are now talking about staying almost a week. My husband can't see an issue with this as they are not likely to get to see our son often due to distance. I recognise that they have a right to spend time with their grandson but he's so little and his awake time is (or should be!) so short. Last night his grandfather basically woke him from a half sleep to play with him and to "see his eyes". Needless to say after a few hours of being constantly passed around he was a screaming mess which meant I spent the whole of dinner time in our room trying to settle him. I'm really worries that this is going to take its toll while they're here.

    Last night thankfully my hubby cooked a BBQ and my amazing mum brought a salad over for everyone. They sat at the table and were waited on by my hubby and my mum while I tried to console the baby. I came out and ate later and then had to clear the table and do the dishes etc all while they sat there. I got into bed at 10pm (have been trying to go to bed when the baby does, so 7-8pm on a good day) and cried and cried for hours, then cried for more hours after the night time feed, so I feel like I've had no sleep at all.

    I just feel so intruded upon and can't believe they're here expecting us to wait on them.

    They've given us a heap of ancient stuff, including feisty old stuffed toys and one of those old cane baskets with handles that babies used to be carried around in 40 years ago, expecting that we might have a use for this stuff. Without offending them by refusing it or throwing it away, we are now stuck with storing all this stuff...what on earth am I supposed to do in this situation?

    To sum this up, my teary and miserable reaction to their stay makes me now reflect on the possibility that I'm teetering on the edge of PND. I've been coping by making sure I get decent sleep when I can, putting no pressure on myself to cook etc, and now I am looking at the next five days of having an over stimulated baby and the expectation that I will cook and clean, plus coping with the pain and difficulties of feeding and feeling uncomfortable about daytime sleeping with guests in the house and it's making me feel like I can't cope at all. I have tears pouring down my face as I type this, locked away in our bedroom where my hubby thinks I'm sleeping. Last night when everyone was sleeping I really had to fight the most insane urge to just walk out of the house.

    Thanks for reading if you've got this far. Do you think this sounds like the edge of PND? I don't know what I can do but just ride their visit out

  2. #2
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    Default PND? Inlaws visiting

    Hey, firstly you are feeling all normal feelings, secondly just get them to do it, speak up, tell them you're knackered and can't wait on them, you could do with a sleep so just excuse yourself and be strong with telling them what you need, get your DP to ask them to do stuff around the house, and if the feelings continue or get worse check out beyond blue online, there's loads of tips and a help line for PND, all else fails if you have a good GP ask for help, you need to be well to care for your family but you need to come first at times! Remember you are doing all the right things seeing an LC and treating the thrush stay strong you can do it!!! *hugs*

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    Default PND? Inlaws visiting

    Ps nothing is wrong with a good messy cry - it releases good endorphins *hugs*

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    Default PND? Inlaws visiting

    You poor, poor thing!!! I am so sorry you feel this way. Big hugs for you. You sound like you are doing a marvellous job.

    Firstly, breast feeding. I had the exact same issues and it was agony!! With myself after I was treated for thrush they decided it wasn't that and tried other things too. I must admit feeding hurt for me until ds was 12 weeks then it just stopped. We fed till 14 months which was wonderful, but it was a hard slog and made me sad for those first months. I felt like a failure for not being able to do something that was supposed to be so easy, and for not coping with the pain. Which is just sleepless nights and mum guilt talking. Don't be hard on yourself, and if you can, maybe express some feeds so someone else can feed and you can have a rest.

    As to the pressure it sounds like the in laws are putting on you. That is very unfair. Maybe you need to have a chat to your DH and say, that you are happy for them to stay and spend time with their grand child, but that he will need to step up and help cook, clean and entertain them. Ask him to help you settle your little one for sleeps too. You should not have to do it alone.

    One thing I found helped when our inlaws visited from interstate was to ask them to get my ds ready for sleep. I would feed, then pass him
    Over and they could do it. Not often but once or twice. This took the pressure off me and helped them realise that overstimulated baby is bad!!

    As for PND. I cried a lot when ds was born. I was constantly tired, sick of the pain of breast feeding and emotionally drained. I wouldn't say I had PND, but I think I could have gone that way if I didn't have support from DH and my mum. Do you sometimes resent your baby and have irrational thoughts about harming them? If yes, this can be one of the biggest warning signals of PND and you should talk to someone.

    Sorry this is so long, hope I've helped a little. I really do empathise with you.

    Big hugs, you're doing great!!

    Xxx

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    Default PND? Inlaws visiting

    Oh gosh you poor thing! I think I would be a big teary mess in that situation even without PND! Your DH needs to tell them to go, find them a hotel nearby or something it's not fair on you to be adjusting to motherhood and having all this additional stress. I would tell them you don't have space or need for the things they brought or get DH to tell them. Or bin them when they leave! Can your DH take them out today so you and bub can catch up on some sleep and get some peace?

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    Default PND? Inlaws visiting

    I have no experience with PND so can't comment on that.

    But I can comment on tiredness, which will make you cry for hours on end. I think it's normal to feel resentful of people intruding.

    By biggest issue when DD was born was people not helping enough with housework. I complained to my sister one day and she said to ask any new mum and they feel the same way. They don't want someone to cuddle their baby for them. They want seont to stack the dishwasher so they can cuddle their baby.

    Just aim to get through each day till they go. Try and keep your routine, go to bed at 7. They will leave soon. Your bubba will start sleeping better soon too. I promise

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    Default PND? Inlaws visiting

    I don't really have any great advice, just wanted to say i think your doing a great job! But your the one who has just had a baby you don't need to be doing anything for your guests, they will understand- if not they'll get over it. All a baby needs is a happy mummy take care of yourself
    And it's your baby, you know best, so don't feel bad telling people they can't pick him up at a certain time.
    If your feeling down and your thinking it could be PND then I think you should go to you dr. Also perhaps share all this with your hubby, maybe that'll help a little!

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    Default PND? Inlaws visiting

    :-( U poor thing!! First of all you need to lay it down for DH, he must help and give you a break. When DD was born same thing here all the in laws were here MIL, 2SILs, FIL, AuntIL, 3 cousinsIL all passing the baby like it was a parcel! I was patient for 2 days, after that I'd just say to the kids baby is not a doll and to the adults that baby was tiered or sleeping. I cared less if I offended/upset anyone I felt it was my duty to this little one to protect her from the IL's masses, and guess what NO ONE said anything! I just asserted my mother's role and it worked! You need to do the same before you lose your mind! Also non subtle hints at work to be done to help you also work wonders :-)

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    Default Re: PND? Inlaws visiting

    Oh you poor thing, that sounds absolutely awful!! The last thing you need is to be waiting on people. I agree that you should ask the ILs to settle bub. Just feed him and then hand him over to someone else and tell them its his bedtime. They got him all worked up, they can get him to sleep!

    As for PND, were you feeling like this before this situation? Do you think you will feel it after they are gone? Stress is a b!tch and sleep deprivation is a means of torture for a good reason.

    Big hugs, I hope things improve soon xx.

    Sent from my GT-I9100 using BubHub

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    It can be REALLY tough to tell the difference between massive sleep deprivation and PND. So perhaps don't worry too much about that label at this stage but just how to get through the next few days. I think when the in-laws have left will be the time to figure out if PND might be on the scene.

    Firstly hubby needs to talk to his parents or at least do more to help you. I can't believe they aren't helping around the house this is totally bizarre. They can at least do the cleaning, perhaps offer to cook!? What does your hubby say about it all. You need to tell him that you're not coping like this.

    I know 3-5 days of inlaws sounds like FOREVER at the moment but just remember that this will end.


 

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