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  1. #11
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    I am so sorry you are going through this, huge hugs!

    It has been almost 6 weeks since I had to terminate my pregnancy due to a condition called Encephaolcele - it meant bubs skull never fully closed and the brain was not forming correctly. We were told there could be no good outcome for our bub so we had to say good bye at almost 13 weeks.

    I didn't find any comfort in the words people told me, I didn't want to hear how lucky I was that we found out early and I didn't want to hear people compare it to anything else. All I knew at the time was I saw my baby, alive and on the screen with arms, legs, fingers and toes and to me everything looked perfect and I had to end that. It is crushing - no one can tell you how you should feel and there is no time frame on when that sinking feeling will start to lift. My OB was adamant I should take at least 2 weeks (I lost a lot of blood in surgery) but I headed back to work after a week - for me, I needed to distraction.

    This time is going to be hard enough on you, don't try and force yourself to heal faster than you can - you need to take time to grieve and cry and feel like you are in a place that is safe to do that. I know I struggled with leaving the house... I just felt everything would intensify and no one would understand why I was so sad, so I stayed in whenever I could and just let myself be me.

    There isn't anything that anyone can say that will make you feel better, but we can give lots of virtual hugs and be here when you need to vent. Just keep doing what you are doing and take it one day at a time. Hugs!

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  3. #12
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    Sadly, I know exactly how you are feeling.
    My waters broke at 8am 26.09.2012...rushed to hospital...
    sat through ultrasounds where the baby was still alive with a heart beat
    as all the fluids leaked out. We were told there was 0% chance of survival...
    2 options- terminate now or continue and risk dying also.

    I was admitted at 3pm yesterday with a course of drugs being inserted inside of me which caused almost immediate contractions which intensified until I was screaming and crying in pain. They gave me morphine and I settled for a few hours until the pain started again...

    At 8:55pm I gave birth to an angel baby... A little boy who weighed no more than 140 grams... He was so tiny. Still perfect. Then had to go through the after birth which was just as painful. My poor partner who often faints at the sight of blood sat with me the entire time as I became a pin cushion.

    I haven't been able to eat at all... Everyone has done the "ask if you need anything"

    I know everything happens for a reason and I know my partner is grieving in his way too... I'd love to hear an update of how you are learning to process things. I am going through waves of emotion at the moment.

    xo

  4. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tuilelaith View Post
    Sadly, I know exactly how you are feeling.
    My waters broke at 8am 26.09.2012...rushed to hospital...
    sat through ultrasounds where the baby was still alive with a heart beat
    as all the fluids leaked out. We were told there was 0% chance of survival...
    2 options- terminate now or continue and risk dying also.

    I was admitted at 3pm yesterday with a course of drugs being inserted inside of me which caused almost immediate contractions which intensified until I was screaming and crying in pain. They gave me morphine and I settled for a few hours until the pain started again...

    At 8:55pm I gave birth to an angel baby... A little boy who weighed no more than 140 grams... He was so tiny. Still perfect. Then had to go through the after birth which was just as painful. My poor partner who often faints at the sight of blood sat with me the entire time as I became a pin cushion.

    I haven't been able to eat at all... Everyone has done the "ask if you need anything"

    I know everything happens for a reason and I know my partner is grieving in his way too... I'd love to hear an update of how you are learning to process things. I am going through waves of emotion at the moment.

    xo

    Hello Tuilelaith,

    I am so so sorry for your loss. It is the most devastating thing and i'm just so sorry you have to go through such pain also
    It's been a week for you now, how are you coping? I hope you are feeling a little better than a week ago. I know for me I just take each day as it comes. Some are ok, some are horrible and i dont want to get out of bed. It's been 3.5 weeks since i lost my baby and the only the past week has been a little easier. I dont cry as often, i can distract myself a bit easier. trying to stay off the computer has helped, well i have stopped googling anyway...


    I hope you are getting support, i dont know if you have found these people http://www.pregnancylossaustralia.org.au/index.php?id=1 but i have found talking to others on their facebook closed group to be very helpful. everyone in there understands what you are going through as they have been there, you can say things in there that nobody else seems to understand. its a closed group so nobody else can even see it from your facebook friends. they also have counsellors, so please have a look if you havent already.

    my husband is just there for me, always. he still doesnt really show any emotion, except to let me know that it makes him upset to see me upset. im going to see a counsellor i think and have asked him to come at some point too which he is happy to do.

    i have also had a locket made to remember our little girl by, i havent got it yet but i cant wait to wear it. im also going to make a little corner with a couple of things to remember her by, it will be hard as we dont have much, but i will create something.

    please let me know how you are going, send me a private message if you like, hugs to you xxxxx Melissa

  5. #14
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    sending you lots and lots of . You have just been to hell and back, you take as long as you need to be sad and dont worry about anyone else.
    Draw strength from those who love and care for you and try not to be hurt by those who simply do not understand the pain you are in right now. It takes incredible strength to make the decission that you had to make, a decission that only a mother can make. Even though your angel is now in heaven you are a wonderful mum and even though your heart is breaking right now, you know you did what was best for your baby xxx

  6. #15
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    I hate the phrase "termination of pregnancy". Two weeks ago today, I made the decision as a mother to induce early labour and delivery of our much wanted, much loved and long awaited for second child, who was given a 0% chance of surviving to full term, but 100% chance of suffering and dying slowly. After 12 hours of labour I gave birth to a baby girl I named Isabelle.
    It's amazing how alone you feel. While miscarriage is common, second trimester loss (including termination) is not, so my friends who have had early miscarriages can't relate. While stillbirth is recognised as devastating, second trimester lost is not. It's like being in limbo. I have no friends who have been through what I have and I feel like people are avoiding me (nobody likes people who cry and want to talk about their dead baby).
    I can't even talk to my husband - he's a doctor and says that because Isabelle had a chromosomal problem, that means she was "never a baby to him".
    I'm going to see a professional counsellor next week because I figure I won't be able to go through something this bad and still be standing if I have nobody to talk to. I have a two year old son so have to be able to function....

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  8. #16
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    Also, meant to say, what I read on this website really helped in coming to terms with the decision I had to make: http://www.aheartbreakingchoice.com/ In particular I got a lot of comfort from this:
    "We felt that if our daughter had been in a car accident and was on life support with the same internal injuries, we would not keep her on life support and let her suffer. This child deserved the same dignity."
    If my son had the same diagnosis as Isabelle, I hope that I would have the strength to let him go. I think of letting Isabelle go as like pulling the life support because I was the life support.
    I think we lose a lot of different things when we lose a baby and you have to figure out and work through all of those losses. We all lose your baby, that's something we all have in common and something that can never be replaced or fixed. We all lose a pregnancy, but pregnancy can (for most people) be replaced, and so I personally haven't struggled with "not being pregnant". Some people lose innocence, because they haven't dealt with pregnancy loss before. For me personally, I'm also struggling with the feeling that our family isn't complete, and that no matter how many more children I might have, somebody will always be missing.

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  10. #17
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    I am so sorry and sad you went through this. I hope that you get some counseling xx will be thinking of you.

  11. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by melbymelby View Post
    Hello Tuilelaith,

    I am so so sorry for your loss. It is the most devastating thing and i'm just so sorry you have to go through such pain also
    It's been a week for you now, how are you coping? I hope you are feeling a little better than a week ago. I know for me I just take each day as it comes. Some are ok, some are horrible and i dont want to get out of bed. It's been 3.5 weeks since i lost my baby and the only the past week has been a little easier. I dont cry as often, i can distract myself a bit easier. trying to stay off the computer has helped, well i have stopped googling anyway...


    I hope you are getting support, i dont know if you have found these people http://www.pregnancylossaustralia.org.au/index.php?id=1 but i have found talking to others on their facebook closed group to be very helpful. everyone in there understands what you are going through as they have been there, you can say things in there that nobody else seems to understand. its a closed group so nobody else can even see it from your facebook friends. they also have counsellors, so please have a look if you havent already.

    my husband is just there for me, always. he still doesnt really show any emotion, except to let me know that it makes him upset to see me upset. im going to see a counsellor i think and have asked him to come at some point too which he is happy to do.

    i have also had a locket made to remember our little girl by, i havent got it yet but i cant wait to wear it. im also going to make a little corner with a couple of things to remember her by, it will be hard as we dont have much, but i will create something.

    please let me know how you are going, send me a private message if you like, hugs to you xxxxx Melissa
    Hi Melissa,

    Thank you so much for the reply... it means alot because I know you've been where I am and to describe how I am feeling at the moment, you put it perfectly "Some [days] are ok, some are horrible and i dont want to get out of bed."

    I had a doctors appointment this morning and she asked me how I was feeling physically first - I have a UTI which is causing a bit of discomfort and my PV bleeding has increased slightly over the last two days, which I will have to keep an eye on. I have Endometriosis so I am no stranger to excessive blood loss and I guess because I do have it, when I fell after months of trying I felt like our miracle had come - that it was our turn... only for it to be ripped away from us. That's probably what I am struggling with most - is that I feel like my body has let me (and my partner too) down again. I worry that I'll never be able to have children and even though I am only 27, I feel like I've 'missed the boat'.

    Going back to work on Monday is feeling like a double edge sword also. I work in a high paced corporate environment and whilst all the people I work with are really lovely and understanding, you can go a whole day working without talking to the staff member sitting beside you but have to deal with (what now seems to me like) pointless **** that the public thinks is the end of the world. It's great for money but I feel like I need something more fulfilling now - I just want to run away from it.

    The doctor said give it a few days and if I feel like I need more time, I am to go back to her and she'll organise counselling etc as well. I don't want to be the person that people feel they need to tread on egg shells... but I don't really want to talk about it to them either.

    My partner has been no less than amazing. This whole thing has bought an already amazingly close relationship even closer. He lets me cry and talk about it. He cried a few times last week too. We've been through alot over the past two years and sometimes I feel like it's because we are too happy together that everything else has to even it out.

    We've had so many bunches of flowers delivered. His family drove 8 hours to be with us. My mum has had time off and has spend a number of days with me. A family friend gave me a little locket... on the front it says "Forever in my heart"... My partner and I named a star and tomorrow we are having a joint memorial. My grandfather passed away in August (a month before our baby). We bought a helium balloon kit and we are going to let a few go at the beach and say a few words and have a picnic/Bbq afterwards. And later in the month, we will go to the memorial done by the hospital. I'm really grateful to all the staff at the hospital, they really looked after me so well. They took little photos of the baby and wrapped him up in a blanket. Gave me the blanket... which I'm still sleeping with. And I have little foot prints in a frame.

    I feel we have done enough to honour Tristan's few months on earth. I am okay with the choice we had to make and I know time will make the intense heartache and disappointment subsidy for both of us. I am truly terrified of falling pregnant again and having to go through the same journey. At the same time I am also terrified of never being able to have the family we both really want. I know my partner is really keen to try again as well. A close family friend who is a medical specialist advised me not to take the pill (but use a 'french leather'... he's an older gentleman), let my body do whatever it needs to do to regulate and give it a good 12 months - that too many people try too quickly afterwards and it often leads to more heartbreak because the body hasn't had enough time.

    And I feel the same as SuckySucky... I feel like there's always going to be that member of our family missing, but I don't want to immediately 'replace' my baby. Both my grandmother's went through this - one had a full term still born and the other died a few months after birth... I know neither of them every truly got over their losses and whilst I don't want to forget about my first baby, I want to be at peace knowing he's waiting with them for me and one day I'll be able to hold him and love him the way it should have been.

    I am going to focus on our wedding which we were planning before I fell pregnant and I will start looking for a new career path and plan for a small holiday in March when Tristan was due/my birthday. I know my partner is focusing on Christmas, he's one of those crazy people who have every inch of the house/garden covered in Christmas lights. I let him go... it makes him happy and gives our neighbours something special to look at. Anyway, sorry for the eratic writing... I feel like I jumped through every emotion and back writing this. Hopefully it makes sense.

    xo T

  12. #19
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    Hi Tuilelaith
    I know what you mean about work. I think reconsidering our lives and priorities is part of honouring our babies.
    Future pregnancies will be hard but it's important to know that once you've made it past that first trimester and had your first scan, the chances of anything going wrong are small, and it is very unlikely we will ever have this happen again. Please don't lose hope. I have severe endo as well (3 surgeries) but we managed to have a healthy (now 2 year old) baby boy. And at 27 you have definitely not "missed the boat".
    It is the toughest decision I have ever had to make as a mother, but that's what it really means to be a mother, you put your child before everything else. If you can do that, then the rest is easy by comparison. I honestly feel that the decision I made about Isabelle, and birthing her and holding her little body has made me more of a mother than anything else.
    Sorry my original posts were so long. That was the crazy grief-stricken lady typing, this is the more normal one and you can message her any time you like!

  13. #20
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    It's almost been 2 weeks now... Still bleeding and have had melt downs daily


 

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