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  1. #1
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    Default What would your response be?

    If your DH lied to your face about smoking pot?

    My DH told me he had given up but last night I asked him straight out if he had been smoking because I suspected he'd just had a bong. He said no. I went out to his shed and found his hidden stash, came back in and asked him to look me in the eye and tell me if he'd been smoking. Again he said no.

    I'm so hurt and upset about the lying, not the smoking. I believe he hasn't been smoking much but he lied about it. What else has he been lying about?

    I haven't yelled at him or anything. I've just said I'm really upset and I've been crying. He told me he doesn't see the big deal, that I'm just being a drama queen and trying to rule his life. I've asked him to move out for a few days - we've had ongoing problems for a long time. He said he's fine with that.

    I'm so, so upset I can't stop crying. I really don't want my marriage to break down but it's all so one-sided, we can't fix things if he won't realise how his actions are wrong and upset me.

    So, my question is, am I overreacting? Am I being a "drama queen"? I stress again I haven't yelled or said anything other than I'm really upset he would lie to me. And I've been crying most of the day.

    What would you do?

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    Default What would your response be?

    Hey
    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I went through something similar my Dh had told me quit smoking when he actually infact hadn't and I found out one day and he told me I shouldn't get upset because it didn't affect me!!! It really hurt and I thought just like you if he is lying about that he must be lying about other stuff, even though he did end up quitting I still never trusted him fully... We ended up going to couples counselling sometime later and I told the counsellor I had trouble trusting him because of that incident and she told me that when someone has an addiction and is trying to stop but lies about the last time the lit up, it's different to someone actively seeking out to hurt you by way of cheating or anything like that, they are lying to you because they are lying to themselves they think the have control and when they that's the last time I'll do that they do mean it but fail and feel bad about failing so that is why they don't want to tell us. I'm not saying that its right as honesty makes relationship grow but what I can say is that maybe sitting down and talking about it or going to see a counsellor together might help. I know it helped us in our marriage. Hope that helps a little hun x

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    Default What would your response be?

    I don't think you're over reacting. I wouldn't be happy if DH suddenly started smoking pot and lied to me about it either.

    And it does affect you. It costs money to buy, I'd be worried about going out and leaving the kids incase he got stoned and he lied to you. Those 3 things would make me pretty upset and angry too.

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    Thanks, we have already done counselling and I'll be booking us back in again. It's the fact he is totally unwilling to talk about it or admit he's done the wrong thing. Every issue in this marriage comes back to being my fault

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    My Ex did the same thing, but over and over. He used to convince me so much that he was right, I thought I was going crazy.
    At the end I got sick of lie after lie, and hiding that I could not trust him.
    So I broke up with him.
    I completely understand how you feel, and I don't think you are being a drama queen at all.
    I would tell your DP exactly how you feel, and they are your feelings even though he thinks you are being dramatic.
    Sorry I can't really offer you any advice on what to do. Everyone is different, but I know I'm not the type that can put of with crap after crap. Not saying that is what you are doing or your DP is doing.
    You are right that things wont fix if he thinks there is no problem. I came to realise the same thing with my Ex. I tried for ages, and for the sake of our child...but there was no point. I could not try any more, and he is still the same as he was back then.
    I wish you the best of luck, and sending hugs. Don't let him ruin your weekend

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    Default What would your response be?

    I think sometimes it's not WHAT is being lied about but its the actual lying (although I'd be pretty ****y about lying about pot!)

    I don't know how you go about 'fixing' that in a marriage - the fact he lies outright to your face would send alarm bells ringing for me, total pack of respect and trust right there!

    Can you write him a letter about how the lying makes you feel and then also your concerns re pot? Give him time to respond in his own time without feeling attacked (not saying you are attacking but I know my DH needs time to process stuff before discussing)

    If he is unwilling to discuss properly or amend his behaviour - lying and smoking - I would be questioning why I want to stay in a marriage where someone thought it ok to treat me that way!

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    Quote Originally Posted by JaneDoe View Post
    If he is unwilling to discuss properly or amend his behaviour - lying and smoking - I would be questioning why I want to stay in a marriage where someone thought it ok to treat me that way!



    I used to smoke (cigarettes) before I met DH and because he hated smoking I pretended to quit. It was easy when I was living alone but once we moved in it was harder to hide. Long story short, he found a lighter and I lied to his face saying it wasn't mine. He knew I was lying too. The look on his face and the pain I caused him because of that one lie was enough to make me quit and I haven't touched a cigarette since. I never want to see him in that much pain again. It all comes down to how much you love someone in my opinion. I loved my DH enough to stop even though it was the hardest thing I have ever done!

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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    hi duckduckgoose, only you can dicide what you are willing to tolerate in the marriage. For me, if someone was to lie to me, that would do enormous damage to the relationship. Add smoking dope to the story, and I would be out the door. I dont think you are being a 'drama queen', and I dont think you are the cause of his problems. He needs to admit he has a problem, or atleast admit his actions are not acceptable to you, and he has to do somthing about it. Totally unacceptable behaviour from him, perhaps some councilling might work, good luck, Marie.

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    That's a tough one! I used to smoke - cigarettes - and used to lie to my DH about it, I had quit and he was so proud of me and so against smoking that when I started again I felt terrible and so disappointed in myself and didn't want to tell him so I'd lie and tell myself I'd quit soon. When we decided we wanted to try and have babies is when I stopped smoking, and haven't touched a cigarette since. I don't know about marijuana but I would say he might be lying about it because he's ashamed, I think he needs support. I don't think you're overreacting its sad he's hiding it from you.


 

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