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  1. #1
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    Default Spinoff: preventing bad behaviour

    In another current post, OP asks what people would do in a situation where a 5 year old was misbehaving and spitting, hitting etc in public.

    Many posters go on to say things along the lines of 'my children would never act like that' which is great, but my question is, how do you bring your children up to have good behaviour? My parents way of discipline was to give us the silent treatment to make us feel extremely guilty for doing the wrong thing and I don't want to do the same.

    So..... When do you start discipline and how do you ensure your kids would never act that way (you know the way the kids on Super Nanny act) what did you do?

    Are there any good books on this?

    As they say, prevention is better than cure!?

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    A book I love is "children are people too"


    When it comes to preventing wild behavior in situations like that, I like to talk to the kids and set up an expectation before we get there - maybe with some delayed gratification like going to the park afterwards.

    Keep in mind though that all kids are different - that thread in particular, I couldn't imagine two of my kids acting that way, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if my other one had an outburst (maybe not as violent, with the spitting etc) like that.

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    I let my kids know before hand what is expected of them and what the consequence will be if they misbehave. Than at the first sign of a meltdown/tantrum they are removed from the situation. If it is a event where there did it just to get out of the environment because it is no fun etc,, than consequence becomes more severe.

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    Default Spinoff: preventing bad behaviour

    I feel preventing and shaping behavior is all about setting expect ions to start with.

    For example I don't want my children running on to a road. So the moment they are walking I explain this (whether they really understand or not), and don't allow it. If they attempt to etc. they are held. We then try again. Eventually they learn and know they can't.

    Same as above for all behavior really, explain what is acceptable when and where and don't allow/stop any unacceptable behavior.

    Of course it's not always that simple, but if we don't teach them manners, what is acceptable etc, who will?

  5. #5
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    For me, I believe in smacking. I dont go over board though. I let my kids know when Im angry. Non of this "please dont do that honey bun, your making mummy angry" it has always been anger.

    My 2 year old has been acting out while we are out lately. I have no problem getting angry in public and I make sure they understand what is acceptable and what isnt in public.

    My children have known from the get go that I will not tollerate bad behavior, and they get 'pinished' if they are naughty.

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    As above, I set the expectations first. I also don't want them to constantly worry about doing the right/wrong thing or upsetting me. I want them to have fun while we are out and about or doing fun things. So like previous posters have said, if we are doing anything where there is an expectation of behaviour then I talk them through where we are going and how we all have to behave, and I include myself in it. Ie, "ok, we are going in to eat dinner, so Mummy, S, and L all have to ask nicely for what we feel like eating, then wait patiently for our dinner. There are other people eating there so we need to use our quiet words. If you fight with each other, there will be no dessert." - might say it in the car before we go in. I try to say it in a way that makes them aware of what to do, but isn't telling them off.

    If they do start to fight or be louder/demanding then I remind them of what I told them in the car. Or I say "Ok, I am going to count to 3 and there will be no dessert if I get to 3". As soon as they are quiet I quickly use distraction methods and divert their attention from whatever they want to fight about. IF one or the other is unusually tired but we have to be at dinner/out (ie for a family members birthday) then DH or I will take them for a walk until dinner is served and we will leave straight after.

    This is what I do for a 4 and almost 3 year old, so it would be different and I would expect more from an older child.

    I find that usually they are badly behaved if I feel off. If I am sick/too tired to be attentive etc then that is when they start acting up. So I guess I put a fair bit of energy into "expected behaviours" and helping to steer them in the direction of how I want them to act as it falls a bit in standards if I don't have the energy.

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    Theophania is offline 'see what had happened was..there were these three ninjas and a blue monkey and well it really wasn't my fault..'
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    I talk to my kids. If they are misbehaving I take them aside and I ask them why they are acting that way and explain what I expect instead. I offer them consequences of what will happen if they don't stop what they are doing...

    Generally I will not put up with aggressive, rude and disrespectful behaviour and my kids know that...

    They aren't perfect, they are 2 and 3, they lose control and they have tantrums... I deal with that as it happens, when they are tantruming I let them finish or I remove them from the situation adn once they have calmed down I will speak to them about it and explain why it was wrong and what I expect from them.

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    Default Spinoff: preventing bad behaviour

    I think it comes down to what age they are and being prepared and being realistic , we have taken DS out to restaurants for lunch/dinner since he was born probably 2 or 3 times a week, but always make sure they are more cafe/pub/pizza/Yum cha style so a little noisy and always take loads of toys for him and order food ASAP - I would never expect a 2 year old to be taken to Rock Pool!

    He knows now at 22 months he can't get down and run around and when he does start getting restless we leave, I've seen many parents take their kids out and expect them to sit there quietly all night which is really unrealistic!

    So yes by 5 I would never expect DS to run wild as he would be well and truly aware of how to behave at restaurants ( a little tanty now and again would be expected but not out of control) if he did and after a warning he did not stop I would have no hesitation in taking him home

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    Default Spinoff: preventing bad behaviour

    It really does depend on the child too. You can still end up with a full on kid even if you're doing a good job.

    DS2 is almost ten months old. He'll grab my face roughly and I'll take his hands away, say "gentle touching, like this", demonstrate and bam, he's got it and wont so it again. That's his personality.

    DS1 is prone to being full on at times and I have found myself embarrassed in public many a time over things he's done - but I'd rather everyone staring at me and having a scene than not having consequences. So even though I still have "don't lick the window!!" moments (for example) I'm now comfortable explaining that he'll have to clean the glass now etc (I actually got a staff member in a shop to pass him the winded and a paper towel so that he could clean the mess himself before we left).

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    Default Spinoff: preventing bad behaviour

    We model correct behaviour (as much as we can, we aren't perfect) from the moment they are born. I have always been a huge believer in taking kids out to eat (at places without playgrounds, pet hate but that's another thread)/ grocery shopping / etc from the time they are born so they naturally know what is appropriate. We talk before we go anywhere and we get them to tell us what we expect of them. Definitely don't smack or threaten or put fear into them!

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to Ffrenchknickers For This Useful Post:

    Cleigh  (07-09-2012)


 

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