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  1. #1
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    Default Advice about a friend....

    I have two besties, A and N. we are all 25, been friends since highschool.
    N and I are wanted some advice regarding A.
    For the last year, she has started to get depressed about herself and what she's hasn't done in the 7 years since highschool. She feels upset because she hasnt travelled, gotten a degree, or saved any money even though she has been working since highschool finished.

    Because of this, A has lost her self confidence, and has created body issues for herself.
    N and i are having trouble understanding the body issues Im not exaggerating when I say out of the three of us, she was the tall, pretty, thin blonde one. N and I are the short chubby ones, who never got a second look when clubbing with A.

    Last week A got Botox to 'fix' her forehead 'crease'. She had the smallest line between her eyes when she frowned, which stayed there for a few minutes after the frown. She fixated on this flaw and was constantly down about it until the Botox.
    N has recently told me that A is now considering a labiaplasty to 'fix' down there because she 'hates the way it looks, it's ugly and sex doesn't feel good'.
    N and I have tried to tell her that she has had bad sex in the past, because she has only dated 3 guys, all short time periods, and all of whom were selfish jerks, whom I doubt would do anything to please her in the bedroom.
    N and I are worried this is the beginning of the end.
    We feel that her issues are not physical, but emotional/mental.
    However A will not listen to us. So we want to talk to her older sister J about it and get J and As mum to interfere and try talk some sense into A.
    But N and I are worried we will lose As friendship if we go behind her back about an issue N was sworn to secrecy not to tell anyone about.
    What would you do?
    What should we do?

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    Default Advice about a friend....

    I think it's nice you care so much about her, but just on what you have written it doesn't seem like "the beginning of the end" lots of ppl get plastic surgery it doesn't mean they have mental issues. The surgeon will be able to assess if she has valid reasons for her surgery and realistic expectations.

    I wouldn't go spreading something she asked you not too.. I hope you take this the right way I think your amazing friends for caring.

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  4. #3
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    personally.... i wouldnt talk to j, that would be a violation of trust. keep reassuring your friend, let her know you are concerned as a friend for her and that you are only teying to help. dont involve other people as it will just push her away. let her know she is beautiful or coment on her apearance regulary (nice things of course) councelling?? might be of some help to her, or just let her talk it out with you. good luck. hugs for you, it would be hard to see this and not know what to do or how to help. you sound like a good friend. just dont push her to tell you, be gentle and hopefully she will open up to you.

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    I don't think I'd go behind her back and tell her mum and sister.

    If she won't listen to her best friends, I think she'd probably react the same if it came from family, only she'd probably feel anger and betrayal on top of it because her besties spilled her secret.

    I think you should just continue to be there for your friend by giving her reassuring advice and support.

    Sounds like she's having a little bit of a mid-20's crisis. Maybe you could look into planning an overseas holiday together? If she has things to look forward to then she might start to feel better about herself and focus less on the superficial stuff?

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    I agree... Book a cheap o/s holiday together to Thailand or Bali or something like that...

    She could easily afford to do this if she gives up the surgery lol...

    I would recommend talking in a positive way to her, if she starts talking her life down. Eg, if she complains she has never travelled, ask her 'well where do you want to go?, How can you get there? How long will it take to save?'

    If she complains about having no money, ask her 'do you want stuff and things, travel or money??' As a single person, you generally can't have all 3!

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    Could it be that because she's always been "the pretty one," she feels that defines her and doesn't know who she'll be if she's NOT that anymore?

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    Default Advice about a friend....

    Quote Originally Posted by jessicajane86 View Post
    I think it's nice you care so much about her, but just on what you have written it doesn't seem like "the beginning of the end" lots of ppl get plastic surgery it doesn't mean they have mental issues. The surgeon will be able to assess if she has valid reasons for her surgery and realistic expectations.

    I wouldn't go spreading something she asked you not too.. I hope you take this the right way I think your amazing friends for caring.
    I would never spread it around. we are worried, which is why we are wondering if we should tell someone she will take seriously. Like her sister.

    These aren't the first things either. This year she has been on all sorts of crazy diets to lose weight. She's tall and a size 10. So no weight to lose. Once she ate nothing but chicken and broccoli for three months.

  9. #8
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    Default Advice about a friend....

    Quote Originally Posted by MsImpatient View Post
    I agree... Book a cheap o/s holiday together to Thailand or Bali or something like that...

    She could easily afford to do this if she gives up the surgery lol...

    I would recommend talking in a positive way to her, if she starts talking her life down. Eg, if she complains she has never travelled, ask her 'well where do you want to go?, How can you get there? How long will it take to save?'

    If she complains about having no money, ask her 'do you want stuff and things, travel or money??' As a single person, you generally can't have all 3!
    She's on a holiday in Bali at the moment with another friend. N and I can travel with her, I have a breast fed 14 month old. And N is currently saving for her wedding and is a uni student.

    I know she wants to go to America, and we are trying to encourage her to save for that. We keep telling her how exciting it is and how much fun she'll have.

  10. #9
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    Default Advice about a friend....

    Quote Originally Posted by SassyMummy View Post
    Could it be that because she's always been "the pretty one," she feels that defines her and doesn't know who she'll be if she's NOT that anymore?
    The thing is, she still is the pretty one. She just doesn't see it

  11. #10
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    Default Advice about a friend....

    I also agree its not right running to family members to blab and have them interfere.

    That said, you could always say you're concerned about A and her depression but not go any further into it. It's simply not your place.

    I do agree it's sad that A thinks her vagina is unattractive. Perhaps you could google, "the perfect vagina." it's a doco about p.orn and the vagina and how it has made women believe there's something wrong with them when half of the time it's just a matter of getting around ratings categories. Exposed inner labia, for example, can up the rating of a magazine even if she's not spread legged... Because its that inner part of the vulva that determines these ratings. Obviously, mags want a lower rating so teen boys can legally buy them.

    Perhaps this is where you can try and convince her she's normal and fine and beautiful as she is...


 

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