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  1. #11
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    Default Re: Step mums need your reassurance

    I'm not really pushing. I mentioned out early on that if he calls her mum it's fine by me. For his second birthday I invited his father, step mum, and step mums son. They all declined the invite and I've been told to only speak with ex on mattersthat directly relate to Ds's immediate needs or health.

    So I know that there must be some sort of angst, anger, distrust out something from that end. I guess I'm hoping that it's only that, and not some lack of connection with ds that I'm seeing

    Forgive any weird substitutions... Silly phone, but I still love it

  2. #12
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    Default Step mums need your reassurance

    Perhaps you saying that our fine with her being called Mum has made her anxious or uncomfortable.

    Your DS has a mum, you and perhaps she respects that and doesn't want to be Mum no. 2.

    There could be a hundred other reasons. Maybe you could express your concern to your ex? And see what he says?

  3. #13
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    My step.kids live here most of the time and we always do hug, kiss on the cheek and a love you when they go to their other house or off to school etc.

    I don't often see their mum because changeovers happen via school but i wouldn't have an issue with doing the normal goodbye routine when their mum is around.

    If they are with a group of friends at school they get embarrased though and prefer to give me a highfive instead.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Izy View Post
    I'm not really pushing. I mentioned out early on that if he calls her mum it's fine by me. For his second birthday I invited his father, step mum, and step mums son. They all declined the invite and I've been told to only speak with ex on mattersthat directly relate to Ds's immediate needs or health.

    So I know that there must be some sort of angst, anger, distrust out something from that end. I guess I'm hoping that it's only that, and not some lack of connection with ds that I'm seeing

    Forgive any weird substitutions... Silly phone, but I still love it
    Could be just akwardness too, she may not want to upset you or may not be that affectionate with your son.
    As long as your boy is comfortable in her presence and she is friendly to him is the main thing.

  5. #15
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    It may be that she is respectful of you and doesn't want to potentially push any boundaries. I am very affectionate with my step kids but definatelynot as much so with their mother around. Why? I guess i aware she is the primary mother figure and I am always careful not to override this. I am not saying this is good or bad, just the way we do things.

  6. #16
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    Maybe she feels you are coming on a bit strong?

    I have no interest in being friends with my ex or his new partner. Inviting them over, suggesting that your son call her mum....ummm, perhaps she is feeling a bit smothered?

    Just worry about what happens in your house, unless there is something major concerning you about your son's health. I think your ex saying that he wants you to back off is a pretty good indicator.

  7. #17
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    I can appreciate that. Since the only thing I have actually said to her in the last year since the birthday invite in nov 11 has been 'hi' or me telling my son 'do you want to say bye', I hardly think she could consider me to be pushing her.

    I never suggested he call her mum, but I did say that if he were to call her mum it wouldn't upset me. Quite frankly she has her full time son living with them, so she will always be referred to as 'mum' in the house. It's not going to be a stretch for my son to also call her mum. And him using a term for her does not minimise my relationship with him, so I wanted my ex to know that. I told him this before the invitation to his sons birthday, so in late 2011 and it was not mentioned again since.

    I do not call her. I do not talk to her. I do not talk of her until this thread. Perhaps cause I'm overly emotional at the moment and the thought that my son might feel like an outsider at his fathers house breaks my heart.

    I've already been told that I'm not allowed to know what's happening in their house and I don't ask. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown over it and through counselling I had to learn to let go of what I can't control. This means that I don't need to know where they live, I don't need to know if he's seeing family, following the same routines, has standard bedtimes, gets cuddles, controlled crying, smacks or anything else.

    It's exactly why this thread is meerly asking for reassurance that although my mind keeps imagining the worst case, that there can in fact be a positive explanation behind it. This is to have help to create a positive possibility in my mind since I can't control anything happening, I can only control my perception.

    I do have to ask though RiverSong, why anyone wouldn't want to be civil with their childs other family? Surely parenting together would be a more logical way than starting from scratch every cycle? Understanding routines or what the child has/hasn't been doing etc.
    Last edited by Izy; 02-09-2012 at 21:56.

  8. #18
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    Default Step mums need your reassurance

    Wanna swap places with my DSS's mum? You sound like a great person and I can only imagine how much easier it would make things to have someone who thought the way you do.
    In regards to your question, DSS and I have a great relationship and are very affectionate when he's here. At changeovers that affection gets toned down a lot, mostly because I don't think BM likes it very much. DSS changes too in the way he acts and it's a very quick hug and bye so as not to upset his mum. I can even tell when she's there when I'm talking to him on the phone. If he's alone he chats non stop, tells me he misses me, says I love you etc but if his mum is there most times I spend the whole time trying asking 6 million questions trying to get him to talk and he mumbles some jumble of words that slightly resembles I love you. So we generally do the affectionate goodbyes before we get to the changeover just to avoid DSS getting any guilt trips for been overly affectionate.

    Maybe for the time being you just have to hope for the best but over the next few years as your DS gets older you'll be able to pick up on things and have a fair idea of what's going on.

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    Maybe she feels you are coming on a bit strong?

    I have no interest in being friends with my ex or his new partner. Inviting them over, suggesting that your son call her mum....ummm, perhaps she is feeling a bit smothered?

    Just worry about what happens in your house, unless there is something major concerning you about your son's health. I think your ex saying that he wants you to back off is a pretty good indicator.
    This is me too. I have no desire to be friends with Stepsons mum. Being civil is completely different, if we were in the same room I'm kind and start small chat, I personally have nothing against her but I just don't feel comfortable and I can't completely say why.
    We were invited to stepsons birthday last year, but declined. I appreciate her offer, but sitting in her house around her friends and family really screams awkwardness.
    I think so long as Bio dad and Bio mum have a civil relationship and are working together then stepparents don't really counter in. I always know what stepson is up to via DF, he speaks to stepson and biomum and I believe that's up to him, not me.
    But I can say that when stepson is here he's not treated as an outsider, even though mine and stepsons relationship isn't super close, my boys adore him and DF has a very close relationship with him and they are all treated equally.

  10. #20
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    Default Step mums need your reassurance

    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    Maybe she feels you are coming on a bit strong?

    I have no interest in being friends with my ex or his new partner. Inviting them over, suggesting that your son call her mum....ummm, perhaps she is feeling a bit smothered?

    Just worry about what happens in your house, unless there is something major concerning you about your son's health. I think your ex saying that he wants you to back off is a pretty good indicator.
    I don't think it's a case of being best friends with ex/his new partner but having a civil relationship for the benefit of the child. I hardly think inviting them to the child's birthday party is overstepping the mark, it's directly about and for the benefit of the child, not a sunday BBQ with friends if you get what I mean?


 

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