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  1. #1
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    Default Legitimate pain but my brother tries to shut me up so he wont have to care

    My brother like my mother Ther has tried once again to shut me up by putting me down saying I'm self pitying
    so that I'll shut up and not express any legitimate pain or trauma or feelings or needs
    we plan to have counselling but I kno he will just walk out and not hear a word or care And he expressed that last night
    My abusive psychopathic con artist ex would do the same to shut me up so he could abuse me and he d insult me so I wouldn't speak up for fear of being called self pitying instead of being heard and helped when in terrible situations abusive traumatic situations .

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    Default Legitimate pain but my brother tries to shut me up so he wont have to care

    Quote Originally Posted by sylvia1111 View Post
    My brother like my mother Ther has tried once again to shut me up by putting me down saying I'm self pitying
    so that I'll shut up and not express any legitimate pain or trauma or feelings or needs
    we plan to have counselling but I kno he will just walk out and not hear a word or care And he expressed that last night
    My abusive psychopathic con artist ex would do the same to shut me up so he could abuse me and he d insult me so I wouldn't speak up for fear of being called self pitying instead of being heard and helped when in terrible situations abusive traumatic situations .
    More information please.

    How old are you? Why do you even care what your brother thinks? Do you whine too much or has your brother always been mean/nasty? Are you receiving counsellIng already for your past abusive relationship?

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    Default Legitimate pain but my brother tries to shut me up so he wont have to care

    From previous threads of yours, I do have to agree that you are coming across as self pitying. Sorry
    Last edited by Guest1234; 27-08-2012 at 10:48.

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    Meld85  (29-08-2012),onionskin  (28-08-2012)

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    I think you are looking in the wrong place with your family for support. Some family's are very supportive and well some aren't. Sounds like yours is the later.

    I've not been in your shoes and reading back onto some of your older posts it sounds like you've had to deal with a lot in your life. I'm not quite sure why you want your brother to see the Councillor, but have you spoken to a Councillor just for you, without your brother being involved?? They'd be able to guide you to the right support groups/people that would be able to help you.

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    Default Legitimate pain but my brother tries to shut me up so he wont have to care

    I think sometimes, as much as you can care for and love someone (friend/sibling) if that person doesn't do anything to change his/her situation, and continues to (for lack of a better word) complain about it, u sometimes have no choice but to switch off.

    If you want resolution for anything, I'm sorry but you're going to need to get help, by yourself, for yourself, before anyone else is going to want to help you. I agree with everyone else, you need to see a councillor. I'm not doubting you have genuine issues you need to work through.. There's a lot of pain and anger in your words.. But you need to help yourself..
    Last edited by jo7; 27-08-2012 at 12:19.

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    thanks for your responses. Of course i've already done more than a human can do for myself. I'd be dead otherwise. I deserve huge credit for all i've done for myself in mamoth challenges. counsellers time and again say that i dont need a counsellor that i deal with things very well. That i need some caring family or friends not counsellors. One can spend an entire life in counselling and not resolve a thing, or one can have a caring family member who is able to give support and care or solutions in daily things that a counsellor wouldnt do . a counsellor cant lend you something that you need or show you how to do something that a caring family member would

    I've created a different family. My children and myself we do help each other They do call their siblings when they have any issue and they do help each other and i do take an interest and listen to them and share life experience wisdom solutions or help when i can often more than i can because they legitimately need it and i would never want to leave them as horrifically alone as i was left. any human deserves some gentelness interest care and i just didnt get that.

    That doesnt mean that i dont still have legitimate pain of so many horrendous things i went thru in an abusive marriage, or raising kids on my own, with a mother and a brother 1 minute away and yet so disconnected. One wonders how one could suffer so much with family so nearby but so disconnected. It is an open wound that i may have to accept but i will see if anything shifts with counselling with my brother. It shocks me that anyone can go thru so much and yet have no support whatsover with family a minute away but so checked out.

    He hasnt switched off. He was never switched on. We were never a connected family and they have values where they will run to help strangers and i'm like the family member that they have locked in the basement and treat badly though they would never admit to it.

    self pity and legitimate pain are very different. It is never helpful to just criticise someone who has pain that they are being self pitying. Just becasue others dont want to see it doesnt mean it isnt there . Whether its an open wound that can be a bit improved or just accepted remains to be seen.

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    actually things like ' god helps those who help themselves ' was also hurled at me once when i was in a terrible situation by someone who clearly couldnt understand or care,
    as an excuse to not help me and let others off the hook of helping me and my children when we suffered horrifically.

    Many people who dont understand can say many offtrack things instead of finding things to give support and care. another time i was told by someone that i could go and study for years to be a lawyer and do really well, supposedly this could happen while i was raising kids on my own, having already been burnt out from yrs of overwork, having yrs of abuse still from a violent ex who still caused drama for years, who also dragged me thru courts for yrs to avoid paying child support. Yeh right i could have also gone to uni and studied the many yrs to be a laywer as well! Just because a monkey says somethng doesnt mean its true. just because others dont understand doesnt mean every though of theirs is true. its truly sad and painful when there are offtrack people around a person suffering rather than ontrack people who are able to understand and be supportive emotionally or practically. Not everyone has those capacities though and its very likely my family do not but also they put strangers dogs cats priority i never made it on their list , we were never a close family and it is horrendous how much we went thru with relatives a minute away. its truely shocking. whether any of that can import 10 % and any understanding be created remains to be seen.

    just because others dont care, or try to turn it on the woman so they will have an excuse not to care, or others dont understand the magnitude of a situation, doesnt mean its not real, doesnt mean its not tragic that there isnt someone to give some care. it jsut means that someone else is not very caring or able even to absorb anything outside of their own experience. It doesnt make it any less tragic or painful.

    Its known that those with caring family around do much better. Unfortunately some people keep going despite a painful family, rather than because of a caring family.

    of course someone is already doing more than humanly possible to help themselves. that doesnt mean that sometimes we are hit with something terrible where we really could do with someone caring.

    there are many tactics people use to shut up the woman and let themselves off the hook of every having to care
    blaming the woman
    criticising the woman
    saying she is self pitying when she is expressing legitimate pain
    whitewashing what she is saying

    just because some people are not caring doesnt mean its the womans fault or she is self pitying or that its not shocking that help was not given at critical times.

    the funny thing is that the same people who cant understand legitimate trauma of others and just expect them to be always positive and never express any legitimate pain, will also themselves go on and on and on about something minor as if its something major eg talking on and on and on about how horrendous it was to be served cold coffee, or how torturous it was to not have slept so well one night. They are very filled with anything that goes on for themeslves but not everyone can empathise or be helpful emotionally or practically with critical major challenges or others.
    Last edited by sylvia1111; 28-08-2012 at 09:34.

  10. #8
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    What is it you hope to gain from your brother or your mother? Did you want an apology for the years of apathy? Did you want someone to stand up and recognise you went through some horrendous things? Did you want sympathy? Support? Help?
    I'm not sure what it is you're after, so I'm not sure why you're taking your brother to councelling? It seems like a waste of your time and energy. Often, things from the past keep hurting because you keep holding onto them, holding people accountable, demand apologies, etc? I'm not sure why you'd want to?
    Your past was horrid(I've not read any of your other threads, but just by this one it sounds pretty cruddy), but your brother didn't seem too interested then, why would he be interested now? Why are you placing it on your shoulders? It will end up hurting you more if it turns out he just doesn't give a crud, than if you'd just left it alone.
    This is coming across very harshly, I don't mean it to.
    I often notice people are stuck in the "Woe is me" cycle without meaning to, who think they're doing things to help themselves, but when it comes down to it, they just relive and relive and relive the horrors of the past, which keeps them there and keeps them emotionally vulnerable and unavailable and closed off to the other people around them.
    If you don't need councilling and all you need is a friends support, or family's support, you know you won't get it from your family, so you're just doing things to intentionally harm yourself, rather than build a support network with friends, possibly with extended family?

  11. #9
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    It is true that after trauma that there are unresolved issues that we think we will benefit from raising with others and often leaves us hurting more as others continue patterns of bullying denying not being able to understand .it is true that this can be draining to bring up the past

    There are things he needs to know about that affect my past present and future

    There are questions I have

    There may be times he can care assist protectmyself or my kids if he knows certain things if any understanding can be increased . There are many current things that have issues between us .


    There are many current and future reasons why I want to meet and increase understanding which may or may not be possible .

    Trauma creates and shines a light on many issues . Maybe some live in the past but many don't . Any issues raised or realisations raised can look to outsiders as rehashing past when it's not

    It is ideal when others have some understanding and acceptance of a persons current life and yet. Accepts when issues pain questions thoughts regarding the past also come up without feeling that must never be talked about .
    Last edited by sylvia1111; 29-08-2012 at 01:30.

  12. #10
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    i wrote in my last post
    'it is ideal when others have some understanding and acceptance of a persons current life and yet. Accepts when issues pain questions thoughts regarding the past also come up without feeling that must never be talked about .'

    you are instantly judging that if someone has to resolve something from the past that it means they are always living in the past or going over it. that actually can be a very damaging attitude trying to shut the person up and shame and criticise them so that they dont talk when they need to . it is just like accusing someone of self pity when they are expressing legitimate pain or need to talk about something for any reason. If there are things that need resolving then its as simple as that and not resolving them , not tryng to resolve them can be a weight and an open wound. It is better to see if they can be resolved. In this case with my brother, i've lost hope about my very abusive temperamental cruel mother.

    someone can have gone thru severe trauma and had to get thru that time but later at times things come up that need resolving in this case with my brother and it effects the present and future. There is never a need to give huge explanations of why i would want to see if i can build some understanding with my only sibling with more or less my only family member. if he had been a support all these years the issues wouldnt be there, but he wasnt and there are issues for the past present and future.

    not accepting someone
    whether they have memories or issues connected to trauma
    or for being gay
    or for being a certain ethnicity
    telling them they are not ok in how they are and how they feel and constantly judging them is a trauma in itself.

    to others it can look like reliving the past unnecesarily, but for the person who experienced the trauma, there are often legitimate issues that need attention and will be a heavy weight unless we do try to resolve them.

    Having accepting understanding people around us really helps. then we can live in the present with day to day things, but also be ourselves with any thoughts or needs connected to the past without being told that somehow that part of us is wrong, hated judged. thats what accepting and understanding others is about, acceptance, not judging as wrong.




 

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