Thank you all for your support over the past week, it has truly been amazing and even though I feel as though I've been to hell and back, I certainly wouldn't have been able to pick up and keep moving forward as much without your support. I can honestly say that, with AF just about over, and with the hugs and support from you all, I'm ready for another month of battling the ttc journey. I have another 3 months worth of DHEA to go so I can't give up until at least all that's gone! lol
Stretched, Pickled, my fingers are crossed for you both. Don't you hate how your body can't make up its mind? The alst 2 months I was positive I was UTD yet nothing at the end of both cycles. It's heartbreaking but you're not there yet and I hope you don't go where I've been cause it sucks.
Del - I hope you're all ready and primed for a super month! My fingers are crossed for you that this cycle is it for both of us!
Angelini - how's your pregnancy going? I haven't seen any posts from you and I know it was hard for me but I was genuinely thinking of you all the time and so happy that it worked.
SPG - Welcome to our little group. Quite honestly, if it wasn't for these girls in the past week I think I would be in hospital having had a nervous breakdown in all seriousness. I was so depressed and beside me after what was yet another failed month and potential last egg. Every month it is getting harder and harder and if it wasn't for these girls, quite honestly, I don't know that I would have pulled through. Even up until last night, I was still crying a bit, thinking about the possibility that I may never have another egg. I hope your stay isn't too long but know we're here sharing the road with you.
AFM - well, as I mentioned, it's been a really tough few days and quite honestly, I wasn't far off hospital. I was beside myself with grief and as I said to DH who I did finally talk to about it all, I can manage the house situation, I can manage his ex-wife being a pain in the backside, I can manage the kids not being well, I can manage the business being too busy, I can manage the website design company stuffing me around...Generally speaking, I cope very well with chaos. What I can't cope with though is this confrontation with my possible infertility every month that gets worse. I tried explaining to him that I didn't expect him to understand (and he didn't of course) but I just needed him to hear me out, give me a hug and some support. The initial reaction was horrible...why are you so obsessed with having another baby? If God wants you to have another baby and be pregnant, you will be...this is crazy, one month you're in tears and beside yourself because you're having a miscarriage and the next you're beside yourself because you've got your period. You're constantly sad because of this obsession you have.
I sat back and waited for him to leave the room and reflected on his words. Yes they seemed harsh at the time and they were hurtful but when I looked deeper at what he was trying to tell me, it was more about his inability to take away my pain and if this is what this ttc journey is going to do to me every month, he doesn't want to continue, he wants me to be happy not a blubbering mess every month because of a m/c or AF. He doesn't understand but just wants my pain to go away and he does feel powerless to change anything.
We didn't even get into a discussion on IVF again because it was clear in what he was saying that he still isn't comfortable going ahead with it. I did remember Del's? comment about sickness & advances in medical science but the context of the conversation wasn't right and I wasn't in a place to have that discussion...truth be told, neither was he. He didn't understand that it's not just the desire and dream to have a baby that will be lost when my eggs run out but the loss of a dream, the loss of a baby together, the loss of an aspect of my femininity and in many ways, a loss of identity and who I am that also comes with my inability to catch that one magic egg. He can't understand that and it's not fair of me to expect him to. I can try and help him understand but I can't expect him to straight off the bat. A little while after and for the rest of the weekend, he was very caring and loving, gave me big hugs throughout the weekend. That told me that while he doesn't get it, he feels my pain and is there for me...can't ask much more than that really at the moment.
So, I'm here, waiting for AF to finish (I think it's actually finished now but just waiting for confirmation lol) and then I'll be ready for battle. Hopefully by tomorrow night we'll know exactly where we're moving to (finance for our house still pending and I applied for a rental just in case the finance fell through because regardless of where we go, we have to move this weekend). Need to get ready for a business meeting now. have a great day everyone and thanks again.