How can I support my friend while she's going through this????

**austmum** · 14-08-2012 23:12

How awful for both boys

I hope child protection has a good look into this other boys life.

I don't think moving schools would be the best move at this stage either but I can understand that being a natural reaction

**OJandMe** · 14-08-2012 23:13

I don't think our school has.

I think they've just left it up to parents.

**Steph83** · 17-08-2012 11:54

Firstly I just wanted to say that belittling her distress will not help her and this is only my opinion.

When I was young I explored like that with other children, thats all it was, just exploring. I was never abused and I believe the other children weren't either. as we grew we realised it was inappropriate and we stopped, I don't think I have received any permenant damage over it. and I am still good friends with the other children invloved. I would not make a huge deal about it as it will only cause the child shame. Talk to the principal about it, If the other child has got these ideas through being abused then hopefully that will be investigated, but it is also possible it is just something he picked up on his own. Tell your friend to tell her son that it isn't appropriate, and your bodies are for yourself and nobody else, and he is a good boy for telling someone but dont go on a big rant and rave, especially not infront of the child. I hope it all works out for them

**Steph83** · 17-08-2012 11:57

Originally Posted by smileygirl

It's not her fault...and neither child should be blamed either.

I know it can be a bit shocking...but kids experimenting at this age is not that rare. I know she wants to blame the other kid...but, is it possible...he suggested it and her DS agreed?

Sure, you don't want it continuing but huge changes and seeming punishment (removed from his friends etc) and shaming his behaviour is going to cause more harm than the actual stuff that happened.

I think having a talk about saying no and that it's OK to touch yourself etc...but for now, touching others or being touched by them is not OK. There is a great book called "everyone's got a bottom" that might help with this.

My advice...tell her to take a few days...tell her it's OK and her lil man is going to be fine... tell her to remember that they are BOTH little boys and possibly just playing (her boy is now embarrassed but doesn't mean he was "abused").

Hugs

I agree with this.

**Hollywood** · 17-08-2012 12:00

Originally Posted by Steph83

Firstly I just wanted to say that belittling her distress will not help her and this is only my opinion.

When I was young I explored like that with other children, thats all it was, just exploring. I was never abused and I believe the other children weren't either. as we grew we realised it was inappropriate and we stopped, I don't think I have received any permenant damage over it. and I am still good friends with the other children invloved. I would not make a huge deal about it as it will only cause the child shame. Talk to the principal about it, If the other child has got these ideas through being abused then hopefully that will be investigated, but it is also possible it is just something he picked up on his own. Tell your friend to tell her son that it isn't appropriate, and your bodies are for yourself and nobody else, and he is a good boy for telling someone but dont go on a big rant and rave, especially not infront of the child. I hope it all works out for them

I agree with this. I also remember exploring like this at the same age and I was definitely NOT abused and I don't believe the other children involved were either.

**waterlily** · 17-08-2012 12:01

Originally Posted by WorkingClassMum

Do not question the child any further. He needs to be allowed to speak in his own terms and his own pace and she will need guidance from a pychologist about when and how to talk to him.

At this stage do not introduce any new information to the child either.

Tell the principal immediately and also see her GP for a referral to family counselling. Family counselling is not as scarey as it sounds and for kids this young it often play-based

The principal will be required to contact DOCS/DHS as well and the other child will probably be removed from the school as he also poses a risk to other kids.

Bravehearts is a wonderful place to start also for info, guidance and advice.

Goodluck

GREAT advice like always.

**Steph83** · 17-08-2012 12:17

Originally Posted by OJandMe

Yes, kids experimenting is not rare, kids playing dr's and being curious is not rare, kids playing "show me yours I'll show you mine" is NORMAL....

Kids putting genitals in their mouths....is......not. It's sexualised behaviour, not experimentation.

Although it is possible the child picked it up from being abused, I do believe this is experimental behaviour. Babies and young children have a natural reflex to explore with their mouths. and a young child may also realise that touching his penis feels nice. He may have wanted to know what it feels like to put it in a mouth and then after trying it found he liked it and continued to do it. Don't judge the child or the parents at this stage. It could be completely innocent.

**Ffrenchknickers** · 17-08-2012 12:22

Omgosh

. This actually makes me feel shaky and nauseous reading this

**Harliben** · 17-08-2012 13:05

I have no advice

Your poor friend. This is just so awful.

(((

**OJandMe** · 21-08-2012 22:23

Just thought I'd give an update.

Well she and her DH went and saw the principal and deputy and explained the situation to them.

There has been a history of bullying between her son and this other boy since day care (small town).

She said that once her son had told them what was going on, it was like he was a completely different kid again. Back to his normal happy self, like he could just go , Oh I've dropped the burden on Mum and Dad now, they can look after it.

They've decided to keep him at the school, they gave him the option of moving to the other class, but he wants to stay in his class (where the other child is and also my son) all the staff have been told, and they will be making sure that K (my friends son) and the other little boy are fully supervised.
K has also been given his own toilet, not for any other student use, and has been shown how to lock it. He also knows that if he is feeling scared or picked on or just needs to get away he can go up to the office.

Of course, my friend is not focusing on the sexual act with K, just the idea of bullying and feeling like he has to do something he doesn't want to do. Understanding his own boundaries. They've also enrolled him in karate so he has a bit more self confidence. And they are seeing a counsellor who specialises in this kind of thing.

The school is dealing with the appropriate avenues with the other little boy, so hopefully everything should get sorted out on his end too.

At the moment I know he's spending lunchtimes playing football with some other kids on the oval (my son included) which I think is good. I've always really liked both kids.

I think that's everything......