I had a horrible birth experience with my first dd and now after fifteen months I am feeling very much like its time to move on and think of having another child.
But I can't let go of it.
Any of it.
Her birth was an emergency csection and I really don't recall half of what happened.
I was never comfortable with my doctor through the pregnancy but didn't want to be rude and change.
We have now moved rurally and after my issues following birth that the doctors can't even explain I don't know if I will be allowed to birth out of a major hospital. I don't understand what happened and have never had it explained in English to me.
I still feel disconnected at times to my dd she is very much a daddys girl. I feel she bonded to him as I wasn't there for her in the first couple of hours. I breastfed for just over twelve months through a lot of pain just so I could feel that connection and love. but now
we have weaned it seems she has attached back to dad again.
The problem is he really wants a son and I'm very worried that if he gets one he will dump her and she will suffer. He has said it won't happen but my father has always said if only I had a son it would be different and as we have a farm the whole son to take over thing rears up even though I have always worked next to him.
I don't know if I am strong enough to cope with another baby especially if the same things happen with bonding. Im not a natural mother and the problems with bonding and birth have shown me that.
I'm not very comfortable talking about these things and have never found a health nurse or doctor I feel comfortable with so just hold it all inside. My friends have all had natural straightforward births and don't seem to understand.
I almost lost it when my dd was born and ended up back in hospital but I hardened up and they just put it down to baby blues.
So my question is how do you move on within yourself without seeking help? Is there a way? Do I just bite the bullet get pregnant again and hope for the best?
Will it ever heal?
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