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    Default Out of control tantrums, defiance and "I hate you"

    I remember telling my mum I hated her but I was 13, dd is 5. We had some tantrums before school but they had calmed down and since starting school this feb Ive been using 1-2-3 magic and it had been working. We still had some minor tanties but a few mins in her room would calm her and mostly she would come out her happy self again. Now things have changed suddenly she is getting super angry at the slightest thing - eg I won't give her a treat, I try and quietly remind her to be kind to a younger child. Last week she took nearly an hour to calm down because I wouldn't let her have chocolate! And in that time she is throwing things around her room, screaming and trying to hit me when I remove throwable items. She is 100% perfect in school for the teachers. I suspect that she is feeling such pressure to conform at school she is losing it at home when everything doesn't go her way. But how do I discipline her without sending her into a spin? I refuse to just let her get it all her way at home as I think that will set me up from more issues later on.
    anyone got any experience/suggestions?

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    I have a 5 year old too, subscribing to see the suggestions as I have a very similar problem with DS.

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    Subscribing. I'm having similar issues with my DD, who is 4. *desperately awaits responses*

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    It is fairly normal for kids of that age. I find the best response you can give when you get "I hate you" is a simple "that's ok I still love you and there is nothing you can do for me to stop loving you." This way you are acknowledging their feeling but giving them the understanding that they can tell you anything and your love won't disappear.

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    Default Re: Out of control tantrums, defiance and "I hate you"

    Quote Originally Posted by anewme View Post
    It is fairly normal for kids of that age. I find the best response you can give when you get "I hate you" is a simple "that's ok I still love you and there is nothing you can do for me to stop loving you." This way you are acknowledging their feeling but giving them the understanding that they can tell you anything and your love won't disappear.
    That'd sound like a dare to me! Lol. Lets see how naughty I have to be to get mum to not love me. I was such a brat when I was little hahaha.

    "I love you, but I don't love how you're behaving right now" can work. It acknowledges that you love them but their behaviour isn't acceptable.
    If it's possible, could you take anything breakable or expensive out of her room and then give one item back for each day that she calms herself from a tantrum without throwing things? Just an idea, not sure if it would work .

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    Default Re: Out of control tantrums, defiance and "I hate you"

    I have an almost 5 yr old, can totally level with you on the tanties. Ds2 throws the I hate you around every now and then, and like pps said I respond with 'I love you' I think 5 is a good age to implement something like a star chart. We're starting one this week, I think your concerns over conforming at school and loosing it at home are valid, we've noticed the same thing. But they do have to learn that to get most anywhere in life you've got to conform to the rules of society. I'm not about to baby him into thinking its ok to go nuts as long as your not at school or work. I'm hoping the star chart will motivate him into the idea there is a level of conformity at home too, it will also help establish his daily routines. We're starting with small things like eating his meals without any hassles, making his bed and number 1 issues: each day without a tanty gets him 3 stars. I'm going out today to buy a ton of little toys and stuff from the cheapo shop and for every 5 stars he gets he'll be able to pull a prize out of the 'treasure box'

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    My DD is the same. When something doesn't go her way she spits venom at me - "I hate you, you're the worst Mum ever, I want my Dad, you're not my mum any more" and all that.

    I think with DD sometimes it is just exhaustion - physical and mental - from school and she reverts to acting a bit like a tired toddler and simply can't control herself. I don't really have any solution to it, I am just trying to be as consistent as I can and give her a break as I know it is tiring and stressful for her and I know what it's like when I am tired and stressed and things don't go my way - I sometimes lose it too!

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    Quote Originally Posted by anewme View Post
    It is fairly normal for kids of that age. I find the best response you can give when you get "I hate you" is a simple "that's ok I still love you and there is nothing you can do for me to stop loving you." This way you are acknowledging their feeling but giving them the understanding that they can tell you anything and your love won't disappear.
    Thanks that's good advice. Especially for me as I must confess I sometimes get so angry when she spirals and is sooo nasty towards me and everyone else I don't want to tell her I love her, I don't even want to look at her. Sounds ridiculously childish but I get so frustrated and upset I can't think straight and probably make things worse by trying so hard to get her to tell me what she's thinking / feeling. Things were so much easier when they were babies always with their unconditional love! I like the 1-2-3 magic method as it allows me to calm down too and things don't escalate. But it's not working now so I need to train myself to counter "I hate you" with "I love you" and walk away.


 

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