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  1. #11
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    hugs to you.

    I get the same sometimes...like DS (8) will go on about "can't wait to see ex" etc and on a bad day, it really hurts. It is silly, but i feel rejected!

    Could you say "I am so glad you love your dad, he loves you too. However, mummy would love to focus on what we are doing here for a while"

    DS is a very mature 8, so the other day i spoke to him about how I felt and he understood and stopped going on and on...but, at 6, i don't think I would have. At 8, he is able to understand he can talk about anything he does with ex etc...but that the "i can't wait to go to his house" over and over, can be a bit grating.

    Keep up with the distractions...and be really kind to yourself.

    Does he know when he sees him? I only tell DS the day of the visit now (due to lots of past disappointments) and this seems to help too.

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    Benji  (13-08-2012)

  3. #12
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    There's no set schedule for when he sees him, it's very sporadic. Could be after his birthday, his dad missed last Christmas and usually misses school holidays.

    I asked him whether he wanted to see him father's day but he's going away apparently.

    I tend to not mention his dad or visits because I know he's let down more often than he shows up. Once DS said to me "I don't think my dad likes me any more" because it had been over 6 months. He's a poo. That was actually worse than the talk of him being such a hero.

    Thanks everyone, sounds like I'll have to continue with distraction and wait a while

  4. #13
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    Wow, what a tough situation. I have no advice, I just couldn't read and not reply. So sorry for what you have to go through.

    On the upside, your ex sounds like a huge ***, and if he is so horrible to you in front of your son it's only a matter of time till DS sees dad for what he is.

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    Benji  (13-08-2012)

  6. #14
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    6 is probably too young to be brought into the intricacies of adult relationships. Perhaps you could try the distraction approach instead?.

    You could get your boy a fancy book/notepad with a nice cover. Call it the "DS and daddy" book. When your son is excited about his dad you could say "ooh, that would be a good story/picture for the DS and daddy book." Then instead of going on about his dad to you, your son could express himself in a book. You could chose to look/not look at the book when it suited you.

    Your son could keep the book or give it to his dad as a fathers day present.

    That way your son can still express himself about his dad and you can have some space.

    Good luck.

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    Benji  (13-08-2012),Bubmum  (13-08-2012),River Song  (13-08-2012),Stiflers Mom  (13-08-2012)

  8. #15
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    i always try and remember that he talks to me about it because he trusts me and knows that I am stable and ever present. he feels safe and secure in your love so doesn't need to talk about it all the time...because his dad is so uncertain, he is looking for reassurance.

    It's a hard one, but it is a compliment to you

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    Benji  (13-08-2012),Stiflers Mom  (13-08-2012),VicPark  (13-08-2012)

  10. #16
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    Gosh that sounds really tough!! I must say though that I've always been told to NEVER tell the kids they can't talk about their dad or what they do at dad's house, so I wouldn't be doing that. I personally don't mind when the kids talk about their dad, but I'm not a fan of when they (only occasionally) talk about the girlfriend, so I just do like PP have said and listen briefly then subtly change the subject.

    As far as having a 'fun parent' (or in my case, a boring babysitter) and a proper parent, I never say anything bad about how their dad parents them but I often tell them that I make them brush their teeth/eat their vegies/discipline them when naughty because I am being a great mum and making sure they learn how grow up into a great adult because I love them so much, and that if I didn't do all those things then they would grow up and not know how to be a proper adult and be healthy/do good at uni/job etc. Basically so they know that I'm not being 'hard' as such, but just that I'm being realistic.

    Good luck.

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    Benji  (13-08-2012),VicPark  (13-08-2012)

  12. #17
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    I tell him the same CMF re brushing teeth, eating healthy etc.

    Who mentioned to never tell them not to speak about their dad?

    I tried mediation some time ago but he didn't show up so I wasn't able to get the full benefit from it and ask these kinds of questions.

    The constant dad, dad, dad, dad talk actually affects my mental health and in turn affects my parenting. Eventually he will have to learn to not talk so much about him but for now I think my only choice is to keep up with the distractions.

  13. #18
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    The only advise i can give is to listen to your son and give positive feedback (that's fantastic! really, wow!) while then diverting the subject to something else. You can't take away that from your son however you can send your ex positive energy in your thoughts otherwise 'he' will only tire you out emotionally! Your ex is what i call the 'fun dad or the disney dad' in your son's eyes because he doesn't see him often. In time as he matures he will see for himself what is important and real and what is just 'material blackmail'. Give your baby credit!!!

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    Benji  (13-08-2012),VicPark  (13-08-2012)

  15. #19
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    Benji- it was constantly brought up in the parenting through seperation workshops I did, and also from psychologists and counsellors I've spoken to. They said not to badger them about what goes on at dad's, but also not to hush them when they speak about him. Basically just let the talk flow freely, otherwise they feel guilty about having good feelings about their dad.

    I wonder if Vicpark's book idea would be useful for you? Then you could cut him off abit quicker under the guise of "that sounds great! Quick go write it down before you forget!"

  16. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to CMF For This Useful Post:

    Benji  (13-08-2012),VicPark  (13-08-2012)

  17. #20
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    My counsellor had a bit of a different attitude to yours CMF but I do wonder whether this is because my ex has actually harmed DS (exposure to certain things and emotionally - hence why he only has visits when he is with his mum).

    The last thing I want is for him to not love his dad or for him to know what his dad is truly like.

    I just need to not hear about him because it gives me the shakes, makes me anxious, and quite frankly he scares me. Not sure how much longer I can keep up the positivity before I snap TBH.


 

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