How do you explain it to little ones?

[River Song]

the learn really fast hun...seriously, ds8 is already aware. he knows mentally and emotionally that dh and i are parenting him....he has "sleepovers" at ex's. sleep overs are "fun"...but not "normal time".

he loves going there (1 night a f/n) but when offered a holiday with them, it took convincing him (god, that was hard lol) and i convinced him he would be ok for 6 nights.

my ex pretty good these days, but it was a long long journey to get here. i remember the years of being so scared of him. the scariest days being the ones he was nice...because i knw he was planning something horrid

it is a constant internal battle, putting our kids best interest over our self interest. hang in there.

[Carpe diem 2013]

Hi op.

Really sorry to hear that things are so tough. It must be very difficult for you. It's a bit left field but is there any chance you could try to think of it as two separate people, your ex the $@?/)$ and ds's dad the one who provides something, however small for your son? This may act as some "insulation" to protect from those triggers? But at the end of the day you need to look after your mh, so do what's right for you. An explanation like mummy and daddy love you very much but daddy has hurt mummy in the past(no details required) and it makes mummy sad to think about it. But mummy is happy that spending time with daddy makes you happy. I'm just rambling but it may be good to think if something to say just in case iykwim??

[GirlsRock]

My DS sees his father a handful of times per year and only if he is going to his father's parent's house (long story - ex is untrustworthy).

Anyway, because of this DS thinks his dad is the bees knees. Of course, because he only sees him every now and again he can feed him junk and let him do whatever he wants. I don't have a problem with this per se, I'd probably feel the same if it was only very occasionally.

My problem is, DS keeps talking about his dad... it's constant. And it's very triggering for me when he goes on about how 'great' his dad is. I have been financially, emotionally, and sexually abused by this man. Every time we bump into each other now he has some snide comment to say about me - either my looks, my home life, or just how crap I am in general.

How can I explain to DS that I need him to not talk to me about his dad because it hurts me BUT that I don't want him to feel he can't love his dad or that he has to choose a side. This isn't about that, but getting him to understand that things went wrong and mum and dad aren't exactly the best of friends.

****PLEASE ONLY SINGLE PARENTS OR POSITIVE REPLIES ONLY****

I don't need to be told how crap or selfish I am - I get that enough from FOB.

i don't have any advice whatsoever, I just wanted to let you know in no way could anyone think you are crap or selfish. It sounds like a horrendous situation for you to be facing. I imagine you'd like to yell "STOP. THAT'S ENOUGH" but you don't, so that shows you are not crap or horrendous. You sound like a pretty good parent to me.

[VicPark]

He was for DS, he did tell me a few tips on when to call docs and how to handle things if they went really bad but it was just a very quick freebie after hours appointment. I have no time to seek help for either DS or myself because I have to work.

Benji, it sounds like your hurt runs deep. Although folks have put forward some great suggestions here, im worried that dealing with this from purely your sons perspective will only get you both so far.

There's got to be some way you can get help? Can dp (or someone) look after DS while you go to after hours/weekend counselling? Is there a phone counsellIng service? Perhaps your gp can recommend flexible options.

It's like trying to fix a leaky roof of a house without addressing the crumbling foundations. Just not good in the long run.. Mummas have to look after themselves!

Good luck

[MeetTheBluths]

Oh my, I do wish I had some good advice on how you could tackle this! One thing I can tell you from experience (from when I was a child) is that your sons constant chatter about awesome daddy speaks volumes about how much he seeks approval from his father. Focusing on the few positive experiences he has with his dais seems like a way for him to convince himself that he has an awesome dad more than actually believing it.

As he grows he will eventually understand the situation for what it is. He will figure it out I promise you, and he will cherish his mummy so so much and appreciate all you have been through for him. Kids aren't 'unaware' as such. They just do their very best to behave 'normally' and like their family is great and normal and your son seems like he's trying really hard to do this with all his 'dad is awesome' chatter.

Does this make any sense?? I'm not saying its definitely what's going on but as a kid who went through similar this is just what I think could be happening.

Good luck with it b

[MeetTheBluths]

No advice as I have no idea, it must be so hard.

I know it's not the same, but DD often cries for her Dad. Last night I asked her if she missed me while she was with her Dad for the weekend. She said "nup".

Haha nawww but Shelle she does miss you I promise!! And its proof of how secure she feels in your love, otherwise she'd never dare say that! How cute.