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  1. #1
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    Default 6yr old DS mean to his 5yr old cousin

    DS is 6 (7 in September). Our situation is not normal, DS is an only child but we live with my Mum, Dad and my sister and her 2 kids (5yr boy, and 2yr old girl).
    DS is very socially confident. He gets a lot of praise and recognition for his manners and beautiful and caring nature. Normally, he's just the perfect kid. He's great with babies, really gentle and caring. He gets along fine with my 2yr old neice, but has a really delicate relationship with my nephew. They fight often- rarely physically fighting but occassionally there can be a hit, punch, kick here and there.

    I really do hate to say it, but I believe most of the hostility is on my DS part. He really finds any reason to be nasty and cruel to him. He'll dob on him, try to get him into trouble, DS wont allow my nephew to sit next to him and watch him play his DS or ipod. HATES it when my nephew copies him on anything (will change his preference in cupcakes if my nephew wants the same colour etc) and will pick at him until he gets upset.

    Last night, we were at McDonalds getting Hot Chocolates (special treat), some Policeman came in and my sister jokingly said "Look *nephew*, the police are here to get you". My nephew replied with "Nah, they're here to get Aunty ****". DS piped in and kept saying "Nah, they're here to take you away *nephew*, look, here they come" and kept being quite insistant even though it started to upset my nephew.

    He doesn't do this with anyone else. I'm just not sure what to do. I've tried ignoring it, making light of it, explaining that it hurts peoples feelings- including mine, I've cried (because it really does upset me that DS is the "nasty boy"). I'm now trying a new technique. I've written a letter;

    Dear B*****,

    You were being rude, disrespectful and unkind to those that love and care for you by............................. Displaying this kind of behaviour hurts people's feelings. Please go to your room until you are ready to come out and play and speak nicely.
    I love you a lot
    Mummy
    xoxoxoxoxo

    Really, this is my last straw, and I don't even have confidence it will work- I don't know what else I can really do.

    Any suggestions? Or even similar experiences?

  2. #2
    OJandMe's Avatar
    OJandMe is offline I am the strength my children will have.
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    Oh.. I know this one WELL!!!!!!

    Sibling rivalry! Doesn't matter they're not siblings. They live together, play in the same space, have to share the adult attention and basically have to be siblings!

    I don't think you can be too gentle about it IMO. I try to tackle it like this.

    Child 1 starts picking on child 2..
    me: In this family we are NICE to each other. This is your first and ONLY warning. We (insert family name) do NOT bully.
    Child 1 keeps picking on child 2.
    me: Child 1. Go to your room. You will be playing by yourself until you choose to act like a member of this family.

    Child one leaves. If they don't I give the option.... "You can either take yourself, or I will take you and it will be worse for you as you will 'miss out on....."

    In their rooms I have our family manifesto (The Diluca Family Values) they have to read it.. they are only allowed out when they have thought of a way to 'make it up' to the person they were nasty to or to reverse the behaviour they were sent in there for.

    It works. At first I had to spend time with them giving suggestions on different ways they could 'make it up' (like drawing them a picture, sharing something special, playing a game together, helping them with something, doing one of their chores.. etc etc) but now they think of them by themselves.

  3. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to OJandMe For This Useful Post:

    OM  (10-08-2012),shelle65  (10-08-2012),SimplyMum  (15-08-2012),Zombie_eyes  (10-08-2012)

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    Thank you I love this system you are a genius, I have a few friends who would benefit from this. Keep up the good work.

  5. #4
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    I love that Gret. Thanks so much! I think I might print that off. Tell me, what is in your Family Values. Might have to write that one up.

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    OJandMe's Avatar
    OJandMe is offline I am the strength my children will have.
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    I've tried to keep it really simple so they'll understand it. I use a lot of values talk in the house so they are words they understand. I started using this about 3 years ago when Oliver and Jordan were 4, so I did a lot of examples and play situations to demonstrate the values. Or I'd catch them doing something good and say "Wow, that was very considerate of you, the way you shared out all the chocolate equally, thinking about your brothers who aren't here right now. It's nice to see you thinking about others. That's just what being 'considerate' looks like!"

    So anyway in their rooms I have this written up:

    Diluca Family Values

    Today will be a good day!
    I will think about how I can be respectful.
    I will think about how I can be courteous.
    I will think about how I can be considerate.

    I will be kind, helpful and polite.

    I will be the BEST that I can be.


    I read a book called 'the family virtues guide' here which I gathered a lot of ideas from. It's been really helpful.

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  8. #6
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    Hmm, most helpful. I did do up some family values but I think mine might be a little complicated and perhaps use words that are just too big for a 6yr old. Might have to re-do I think. Thanks Gret.


 

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