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  1. #1
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    Default help and advise with DS and my ex husband

    OK so I am not sure if this belongs in here but I need some advise quick smart. I was going to be an undercover hubber because there is a bit of personal info here but I dont have time GAH!

    This is very long and disjointed- Sorry!!!!********

    OK so DH and I seperated 12 months ago- I did the dirty on him (YES bad!) after trying to get him to see reason to seperate for AGES! For SO many reasons- he was into the kind of sex that I wasn't- BDSM style- and I didnt love him anymore- we were NOT compatable anymore. Anyway, after he found out I told him our marriage was over and he gave me grief for a few weeks then finally accepted. On one of the occasions where I had to go back to the house to get some of DS's things, (I was alone without DS) he threw me up against the wall with his hands around my neck and also sexually assaulted me. I have had a LOT of guilt re the sexual assault and have never told my partner about it because i feel like maybe I should have tried harder to stop him? I don't know. Anyway, for a few months he had custody of DS every second weekend for a day- not overnight as DS was only 1.5 years old. I would get him back grumpy, routine ruined and with a dirty bum, hungry, thirsty etc. After christmas he didnt contact us for AGES. Months. When he did I said fine but visits need to be supervised- DS doesnt know who you are! So they have been, every second weekend for a few hours at a playcentre where my ex would rather talk to me than our son. Last fortnight he just didnt call me or anything. Then last weekend he wanted to see DS and I said DS is sick with a cold. And then he threw some news at me that one of his daughters has been sexually molested by a "friend" of his ex wife (he has three girls to his first wife) I was upset about it and it brought up concerns about him with DS because I know that my ex is VERY heavily involved in the BDSM lifestyle and some strange sexual practises and he carries this out at his house and I know his daughters have met one of his (female) play partners. So I have told him that we need a plan in place- so every second weekend we will meet at a playcentre one fortnight my choice, his the next. No visits at his house. Which works anyway because he has lost his license due to speeding so can't pick up or drop off DS. Today he started texting me alll this crap about how he wants custody at his house etc etc and that things need to change- I am SO unhappy. I KNOW he is my sons father but he has put me through so much crap and I am concerned about my son. He never asks about DS or anything. DS is 25 months now and babbles, my ex would have no idea what he is after! DS adores my partner- calls him dad. My ex's parents have never called or made any effort to see my son either and all of a sudden they miss him as well, according to him. To be honest- I want my ex out of my life. And DS's life. He is toxic. What, if anything, can I do? My partner told me I can't just stop exdh from seing DS but can't I? Given that I am the primary care giver? And wouldnt exdh have to then take me to court/request mediation? Please help, I am so confused and stressed.
    And please dont quote as I might delete thread later xx

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    I would book myself and my ex into mediation asap. They will help you to come up with a parenting plan and even turn it into consent orders if you wish. This needs to be done.
    Your partner is right, you shouldnt stop your ex from seeing his son and the courts will not look on you kindly if you do. While technically you are correct in that you can just not hand him over and then your ex will have to get the courts to demand you to, it wont look good for you.
    Gosh, if I were you, I would look into supervised visits for sure, you can demand that. What an icky situation. I hope you get some legal advice soon and sort this out for all of your sakes. Its such a hard thing to co-parent and when you know your ex has a dubious history, its even harder. I feel for you

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    You need to get the ball rolling with mediation so you can both express your wants and needs, and discuss how it will all impact on DS.

    If you were to withold DS from BF, it could get really ugly for you all.

    If you cannot come up with a suitable parenting plan through mediation, you'll be awarded a 601 to be able to take the matter to court.

    Given that DS lives with you 99.9% of the time, it wouldnt be unreasonable to say to BF that he's not to have BS without supervisation until mediation is complete. Don't say he can't see him though, that could come back to bite you.

    Despite BF's lifestyle choices, if there is no documented evidence and no real reason to suspect abuse towards DS, there is no court that will stop BF having DS.

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    Thanks ladies

    So how come i see/hear of SO many cases of birth fathers not being allowed to see their kids from the birth mother? NOT that I am trying to do that but I am curious. Is this just because the BD doesnt want to take it to court?

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    Quote Originally Posted by hopefulmama2b View Post
    Thanks ladies

    So how come i see/hear of SO many cases of birth fathers not being allowed to see their kids from the birth mother? NOT that I am trying to do that but I am curious. Is this just because the BD doesnt want to take it to court?
    It's usually because they don't take it to court or because the court date is so far away. Some people wait 12-18 months for a court date.

    If he takes you to court and you've withheld DS from his father, it won't look very good for you. I'd still stick with the supervised visits elsewhere, And start documenting everything now, dates and times.

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    Quote Originally Posted by hopefulmama2b View Post
    Thanks ladies

    So how come i see/hear of SO many cases of birth fathers not being allowed to see their kids from the birth mother?
    I would say because the BD's dont know that mediation is available and just think they have to go straight to court.


    I suggest that you get the ball rolling on mediation. You will have a third party there that will let both you and your ex age appropriation care arrangements and also situational appropriate care arrangements. While in mediation, if you explain your reasoning behind wanting supervised visits only, im sure the mediator will agree. What i like about mediation is that it isnt about you, it isnt about your ex, its all about your DS! You dont have to agree with anything in there just because he wants it. If most things are agreed on and some arent, only the ones that arent can go to court for a judge to decide if need be.

    Good luck

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    Hi OP - I worked in law before i had my DS. I would advise not to withhold visitation, it will only come back to bite you in the a$$.
    You can ask for supervised visits.
    I would set up mediation immediately and go from there.
    Document everything. Phone calls, messages, visits.
    Without proof no court will stop your ex seeing his son. Also, your exes s$x life wont matter to the court as long as its kept separate from your son.

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  9. #8
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    Thanks All!
    Much appreciated.
    I don't want to keep DS from BD- but BD makes no effort for 6 months and then gets all on his high horse for a few days and then backs down again- I just wanted to know what my rights are I am more than happy to do supervised- he has OKed this and I have so we will hold off on mediation i guess for now as we are in a semi agreement. I have started documenting everything too, so thanks!
    Two last q's... if he said no I am not interested in supervised visits I want more and he wanted to take me to court- does he pay? do I? confused.
    Last one So I have texted BD the plan of our supervised visits and he texted back ok- is that a valid agreed plan or should i get it in writing?

    ty xx

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    Quote Originally Posted by hopefulmama2b View Post
    I am more than happy to do supervised- he has OKed this and I have so we will hold off on mediation i guess for now as we are in a semi agreement. I have started documenting everything too, so thanks!
    now is a perfect time to go through the mediation process if you are on amicable terms!! Will make the process a lot faster and easier also. PLUS he cant easily turn around and change his mind about care. I strongly suggest you still go through mediation!!

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    Definitely go to mediation. That way things are set and there is no chopping and changing from your ex.


 

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