I'm sorry in advance that this is so long. Ok. Deep breath.
I am in a funny marriage - I work in the country and my husband lives in the city. We see each other most weekends. We've been together six years (close friends for four before that), but have not spent much time 'living' together. The longest time we've spent together is 3 months when we were on our honeymoon.
My husband never wanted to get married or have kids. I guess it's fair to say he caved on the marriage thing because it was really important to me - we eloped 2.5 years ago. We said we wouldn't have kids (this was really difficult for me), but I always said if I were to fall pregnant I wouldn't be able to have an abortion. I guess he didn't believe me, or didn't think it would ever happen.
So in February this year I fell pregnant. Obviously it wasn't planned. We still don't really understand how it happened. I said that I was willing to talk about options, but I was almost positive I would keep it. I gave him the option of leaving. He was angry and said that wasn't possible, because even if he left me, he'd still be a father. He tried to almost bully me into having an abortion - said things like he would stop loving me, I am dooming him to a life of misery, I'm putting a bunch of cells above his well being etc. He accused me of having an affair, or 'messing about' with the condoms. I tried to just be a listening ear and let him speak. I felt it was the least I could do. I also knew if I caved and had an abortion that I wouldn't be able to stay with him. I felt like over time things would get better - if not before, at least when he met his child.
Well things still aren't better. He's angry and distant and even though he's kind of come to the party with things like nursery furniture and stuff, he hasn't emotionally at all. I've begged him to see a counsellor for his own well being if nothing else. He won't do it. I've ignored the hurtful comments he's made because at least he's talking. I've kept my thoughts to myself. I've been to hospital three times during this pregnancy, once when I was choppered to the city because they thought I was having a stroke. Even though he doesn't have regular paid work, I've agreed to give up my job in the country that I adore, and move to the city with him, taking leave for two years and then being transferred to the city.
I feel angry with him that he's not fighting for us. At the same time, I still feel sure that he will love his son. He will be an excellent father. He is taking responsibility as a father. I just don't know if I can stick around if he decides he doesn't love me anymore simply for choosing to have his child. I haven't changed, I've always said how I would react if I got pregnant. He just didn't ever think it would happen, so didn't prepare himself. I'm terrified of being alone and resenting my baby, but I don't want to be stuck in a miserable marriage.
Anyway, I'm not asking if you think I should leave my husband or not because it's not an option for me right now to just give up. I'm way too hormonal to make rational decisions. It's just that sometimes I feel like I hate this baby for what it's doing to my marriage. Then I hate myself for feeling that way - it's a gift from the universe that this has happened when I had reconciled myself to it never happening, and I have to believe that it's meant to be.
I failed my first glucose last week, and I feel like I have been so miserable and stressed this whole pregnancy that I'm damaging my baby. Like I'm wrecking him and it's my fault. Like I'm already a lousy mother. I'm holding all my hopes against everything being ok when he's born - my husband really is very loving and kind hearted. Today I started thinking that even though I could never bring myself to hurt my unborn baby, I could possibly bring myself to hurt myself, which would kind of solve everything.
Please don't ask me to seek help - I am very private and I could never tell anyone I know in real life how I'm feeling. I considered checking myself into hospital for a couple of days, just for a bit of tlc, but my closest country hospital doesn't have a psych ward and it would be hard for me to take time off work without everyone knowing why. I guess I just need positive thoughts or comments to get me through the next ten weeks. After that, I'm assuming nothing will matter except for my son - I just need to be able to get there first.
Thanks for reading.