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  1. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by Euphoria4 View Post
    I sat here wanting to reply, kept typing and deleting as the words I wanted I could not find, let alone string together in order for you to understand just how much I appreciate and respect you for sharing.
    Just know that you have most definitely struck a chord with many.

    Bravo hun for your courage, strength and devotion to your family. I wish I knew you in real life, you are inspirational.
    thanks hun I never know what to say when other people post d and m stuff! I don't think I am inspirational but it's nice to know how well this was receieved xoxo

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  3. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by MummaJez View Post
    Now you have shared your incredible story how are you feeling Hun?
    Welllllll, I am wide awake and can't sleep but that is pretty standard lately.

    Um, I feel ok! Not terrible xo

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  5. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ffrenchknickers View Post
    Welllllll, I am wide awake and can't sleep but that is pretty standard lately.

    Um, I feel ok! Not terrible xo
    Ok well I hope you are feeling better about things and please know that you are really doing such a great job getting through all of this

  6. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by MummaJez View Post
    Ok well I hope you are feeling better about things and please know that you are really doing such a great job getting through all of this
    Thankyou for all your encouragement.

  7. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by Milktini View Post
    Your very brave for sharing such a personal story. Unfortunetly it reminds me much of my own story but when you read it through someone else's eyes you can really sit back and say "wow, I survived all that" Goodluck in the future hun, you've had one heck of a life and have overcome so much. Your amazing
    I was thinking about you today and wanted to give you another hug You sound like you have been through alot also xoxo

  8. #86
    Squeegee is offline Wanting to add a new squeegee to the family
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    Miss Ffrenchie...
    You deserve every bit of love and encouragement that has been posted in response to your thread. You are precious and special and very courageous to share your story. There are many more eloquent responses here than I could ever come up with....but I know this...you are a blessing to those around you.
    Hugs from someone else who understands parts of your story as I lived them too.

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  10. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by Squeegee View Post
    Miss Ffrenchie...
    You deserve every bit of love and encouragement that has been posted in response to your thread. You are precious and special and very courageous to share your story. There are many more eloquent responses here than I could ever come up with....but I know this...you are a blessing to those around you.
    Hugs from someone else who understands parts of your story as I lived them too.
    Squeeegeeeebabeeee!!! Hiiiii! Long time!!!! How are you? And thanks (and hugs!) xoxo

  11. #88
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ffrenchknickers View Post
    Hi I know that a couple of people have done this on here before and found it really freeing. I have come to a point in my life where I need people to know the real me and where I have come from. Bubhubbers who knew me well a few years back would have mainly known me for being a pretty passionate Christian and health nut I guess. It's a bit of a risk for me sharing this on here, especially as I have (nearly) gone back to my old username but I have come to a point in my life where I want no more secrets. This is ME.

    If you are feeling judgemental, please stop reading now!


    Soooo, I was a fairly normal child, a quiet little blonde thing. I did ballet and gymnastics all the normal 'girly' things. My parents are both successful and our family looked normal and 'good' i guess. At around the time I was 7 (?) there was an older girl we used to babysit alot and vice versa. It is so obvious to me now that she was being s.exually abused by someone in her life and unforunately she passed it onto me, for a couple of years I never told anyone and quite honestly it is only now at 34 years of age that I am realising that this is where everything started.


    Life went on fairly uneventfully for the next few years until my parents were divorced. I started some ocd type habits, hiding food and general attention seeking behaviour. When I was 14 turning 15 i changed schools from an all gils school to a school which was mainly boys. Within a couple of weeks I found myself drunk on Jim Beam at a boy's house and being taken advantage of by two boys. I didn't really realise this was wrong, I had no self respect. After this incident I drank alcohol nearly everyday after school and on weekends either at home or my boyfriend's house. I often stumbled home afterwards in my school uniform after catching a later train and no one ever said anything. School holidays were spent in rooms with a group of boys, alcohol, bucket bongs and p.orn.


    I followed a fairly 'typical' progression into substance abuse. Pot came next. It scared me at first but the escape was worth it and it too, became a regular thing. I would smoke a pipe in my bedroom after school, hash in the kitchen and even at school. By year 12 acid (LSD) was a very regular) thing and it messed with my head something shocking. The nightmares started and I ended up with depression. I hate who i was at school and I regret that at every important event I was off my head - Semi formal, formal, valedictory dinner, sporting events. I was captain of the basketball and volleyball teams and would smoke pot in the bathroom before games or still be drunk from the night before. I thought about very little else in my last two years of highschool. Sex and drugs.


    Once I left school, I became anorexic. I was sent to a psych who put me on AD's. I lost my wonderful control over food and started bingeing which lead me too bulimia. Which has been a major, major issue in alot of my life. my body is damaged from it. I did though however discover the answer to ALL my problems! Amphetamines! from the first taste, I was in LOVE. It meant I didn't even think about food and it solved my shyness too! Perfect! My habit picked up very quickly and i worked several jobs to pay for it. It wasn't enough though so I stole from friends and family to pay for it. It wasn't long before I was answering newspaper ads for 'models' and ended up in some very awful, perhaps dangerous places posing for photos for seedy old men (some were police.)


    At some stage I ended up living on The Gold Coast where I worked in fancy restaurants. Speed use was very regular as was anything and everything else, ecstasy, acid, pot, whatever else as around. I was quite insane by this stage and remember smashing quite a few windows, hearing things, seeing things, hiding behind curtains in the house i lived in. My parents still didn't know by this stage and helped me get a $5k credit card to 'help with bills'. I didn't use it for bills obviously and never paid a cent back. When they did find out, I 'ran away' to rehab. because I couldn't face them but they were left to clean up and pay for the disgusting house I was living in.


    Rehab was very successful for me (not.) I spent my days chain smoking white ox tobacco, throwing up everything I ate and exercising obsessively in the gym. I was kicked out after a couple of months and went and got myself a needle habit after hooking up with an old friend from school who used meth. My life became completely about shooting up this drug. I slept in parks and strange people's houses, shared needles, used stolen prescription pads, did awful things for money and who knows what else. Towards the end, I used heroin as well, and absolutely fell in love with it.

    This is VERy hard to condense!

    I tried to get clean several times thooughout the years (by using pot instead but the bulimia would amp up so much I couldn't bear it. The last time I got clean I would still sit in my room shooting up water or drinking but I ended up faling pregnant in the back of a good old Kombi van. This baby was the only thing that kept me off the drugs and I left everything behind.


    I met my amazing DH when DS1 was a baby and we have been married since 2003 and now have 5 amazingly talented, beautiful, wonderful children. They are the light of my life and the last 12 years has been all about them. It is now though, that I realise, I went straight from a very damaging life to being a responsible mother and wife with nothing in between and have never dealt with anything. So that is the journey I am on right now. I am not pregnant or breastfeeding or both for the first time in 9 years and I am faced with the prospect of looking after my body not fo someone else but for me. And I'm struggling. I have ben clean for many, many years now (apart from a stint with painkillers) but sometimes it is as real as it was yesterday. God has given me some wonderful gifts and my life really is blessed but I need to be able to admit when I struggle.


    I have pretended none of this happened and hidden my life from everyone around me. But I can't anynmore. This is ME, yep even my stalker, you can know as well. I don't care. I live an amazingly blessed life and even though I struggle, I know we all do in some way. This is a real risk for me sharing this especially as I have (nearly) gone back to my old username.

    So many of the people i knew back then are dead, still using, have lost their children or have just disappeared I feel incredibly lucky.

    As your children get older and you see those kids at school who are perhaps on the wrong track or taking risks. Don't assume they are bad, assume something has happened to them and they need someone to get along side them and say, 'You are worth more than this.' I was always told "YOU have no right to have these problems, you have a good life and are from a good family.' Here's my tip...don't say that! It left me feeling for years like there was just.something.wrong.with.me. There were no other addicts around me, it's not hereditary in my case. It's only now that I am realising what I was running from. I look at my 5 year old DD, she looks so much like me but she is way more confident, and my heart breaks, I don't want any of my children to feel the way I did (do). But when I look at her, my heat breaks for THIS little girl

    I know that something good will come from this. So many good things have already been given to me. My life is oh so blessed.


    So, there we go. Hopefully this will help somone out there too xo
    Babes, you are me...I always thought it, I saw it in you. But you are an amazing beautiful Mum, and a really lovely person with an amazing heart.

    That is your past. I know how scared you are. I'm scared too, every day that I will go back to my own life. It's not a temptation, but I think I used to live like that, how do I live so easily without it now?

    You have to grieve..watching your daughter is confronting, and knowing what you went through. I feel sad that mine is going to have a life I never had a chance at. That that got swept away, and she is going to have an amazing life that I can't relate to, ever. How am I going to guide her?

    One day at a time. These are new lives we are living.

  12. #89
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bubmum View Post
    Babes, you are me...I always thought it, I saw it in you. But you are an amazing beautiful Mum, and a really lovely person with an amazing heart.

    That is your past. I know how scared you are. I'm scared too, every day that I will go back to my own life. It's not a temptation, but I think I used to live like that, how do I live so easily without it now?

    You have to grieve..watching your daughter is confronting, and knowing what you went through. I feel sad that mine is going to have a life I never had a chance at. That that got swept away, and she is going to have an amazing life that I can't relate to, ever. How am I going to guide her?

    One day at a time. These are new lives we are living.
    Did you see it in me? wow I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it haha. Thankyou, i will get there. We all will

    I know re. guiding them in a life you never knew. it freaks me out, I don't know what the 'normal' transition from childhood->teenagehood->adulthood is supposed to go?! Hugs to you, it's massive xx

    Thanks so much, yes one day at a time xoxo Do I still have you on FB?
    Last edited by Ffrenchknickers; 03-08-2012 at 07:29.

  13. #90
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    You are amazing!!
    So brave and definatley someone to look up to. Never be ashamed of your past as you beat it... You made yourself into something so much better but the past is how you became the you that you are now!
    Seriously im proud of you and I don't even know you! I'm proud that you could open up like that and I'm proud of how far you have come!!
    Seriously amazing!!!!!
    Good luck with the rest of your journey - thank you so much for sharing, it would have taken some guts!!!! HUGS!! xxxxxx

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