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  1. #41
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    Thanks for sharing your story. I think it reminds us all of the journeys people walk to be where they are today. You really are an inspiration and I know your story will help others.

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ffrenchknickers View Post
    Loving 6, thanks so much for all your support, you have gone that extra mile for me and made such a difference xx
    Right back at you mate....
    I will always be here for you.

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ffrenchknickers View Post
    Hi I know that a couple of people have done this on here before and found it really freeing. I have come to a point in my life where I need people to know the real me and where I have come from. Bubhubbers who knew me well a few years back would have mainly known me for being a pretty passionate Christian and health nut I guess. It's a bit of a risk for me sharing this on here, especially as I have (nearly) gone back to my old username but I have come to a point in my life where I want no more secrets. This is ME.

    If you are feeling judgemental, please stop reading now!


    Soooo, I was a fairly normal child, a quiet little blonde thing. I did ballet and gymnastics all the normal 'girly' things. My parents are both successful and our family looked normal and 'good' i guess. At around the time I was 7 (?) there was an older girl we used to babysit alot and vice versa. It is so obvious to me now that she was being s.exually abused by someone in her life and unforunately she passed it onto me, for a couple of years I never told anyone and quite honestly it is only now at 34 years of age that I am realising that this is where everything started.


    Life went on fairly uneventfully for the next few years until my parents were divorced. I started some ocd type habits, hiding food and general attention seeking behaviour. When I was 14 turning 15 i changed schools from an all gils school to a school which was mainly boys. Within a couple of weeks I found myself drunk on Jim Beam at a boy's house and being taken advantage of by two boys. I didn't really realise this was wrong, I had no self respect. After this incident I drank alcohol nearly everyday after school and on weekends either at home or my boyfriend's house. I often stumbled home afterwards in my school uniform after catching a later train and no one ever said anything. School holidays were spent in rooms with a group of boys, alcohol, bucket bongs and p.orn.


    I followed a fairly 'typical' progression into substance abuse. Pot came next. It scared me at first but the escape was worth it and it too, became a regular thing. I would smoke a pipe in my bedroom after school, hash in the kitchen and even at school. By year 12 acid (LSD) was a very regular) thing and it messed with my head something shocking. The nightmares started and I ended up with depression. I hate who i was at school and I regret that at every important event I was off my head - Semi formal, formal, valedictory dinner, sporting events. I was captain of the basketball and volleyball teams and would smoke pot in the bathroom before games or still be drunk from the night before. I thought about very little else in my last two years of highschool. Sex and drugs.


    Once I left school, I became anorexic. I was sent to a psych who put me on AD's. I lost my wonderful control over food and started bingeing which lead me too bulimia. Which has been a major, major issue in alot of my life. my body is damaged from it. I did though however discover the answer to ALL my problems! Amphetamines! from the first taste, I was in LOVE. It meant I didn't even think about food and it solved my shyness too! Perfect! My habit picked up very quickly and i worked several jobs to pay for it. It wasn't enough though so I stole from friends and family to pay for it. It wasn't long before I was answering newspaper ads for 'models' and ended up in some very awful, perhaps dangerous places posing for photos for seedy old men (some were police.)


    At some stage I ended up living on The Gold Coast where I worked in fancy restaurants. Speed use was very regular as was anything and everything else, ecstasy, acid, pot, whatever else as around. I was quite insane by this stage and remember smashing quite a few windows, hearing things, seeing things, hiding behind curtains in the house i lived in. My parents still didn't know by this stage and helped me get a $5k credit card to 'help with bills'. I didn't use it for bills obviously and never paid a cent back. When they did find out, I 'ran away' to rehab. because I couldn't face them but they were left to clean up and pay for the disgusting house I was living in.


    Rehab was very successful for me (not.) I spent my days chain smoking white ox tobacco, throwing up everything I ate and exercising obsessively in the gym. I was kicked out after a couple of months and went and got myself a needle habit after hooking up with an old friend from school who used meth. My life became completely about shooting up this drug. I slept in parks and strange people's houses, shared needles, used stolen prescription pads, did awful things for money and who knows what else. Towards the end, I used heroin as well, and absolutely fell in love with it.

    This is VERy hard to condense!

    I tried to get clean several times thooughout the years (by using pot instead but the bulimia would amp up so much I couldn't bear it. The last time I got clean I would still sit in my room shooting up water or drinking but I ended up faling pregnant in the back of a good old Kombi van. This baby was the only thing that kept me off the drugs and I left everything behind.


    I met my amazing DH when DS1 was a baby and we have been married since 2003 and now have 5 amazingly talented, beautiful, wonderful children. They are the light of my life and the last 12 years has been all about them. It is now though, that I realise, I went straight from a very damaging life to being a responsible mother and wife with nothing in between and have never dealt with anything. So that is the journey I am on right now. I am not pregnant or breastfeeding or both for the first time in 9 years and I am faced with the prospect of looking after my body not fo someone else but for me. And I'm struggling. I have ben clean for many, many years now (apart from a stint with painkillers) but sometimes it is as real as it was yesterday. God has given me some wonderful gifts and my life really is blessed but I need to be able to admit when I struggle.


    I have pretended none of this happened and hidden my life from everyone around me. But I can't anynmore. This is ME, yep even my stalker, you can know as well. I don't care. I live an amazingly blessed life and even though I struggle, I know we all do in some way. This is a real risk for me sharing this especially as I have (nearly) gone back to my old username.

    So many of the people i knew back then are dead, still using, have lost their children or have just disappeared I feel incredibly lucky.

    As your children get older and you see those kids at school who are perhaps on the wrong track or taking risks. Don't assume they are bad, assume something has happened to them and they need someone to get along side them and say, 'You are worth more than this.' I was always told "YOU have no right to have these problems, you have a good life and are from a good family.' Here's my tip...don't say that! It left me feeling for years like there was just.something.wrong.with.me. There were no other addicts around me, it's not hereditary in my case. It's only now that I am realising what I was running from. I look at my 5 year old DD, she looks so much like me but she is way more confident, and my heart breaks, I don't want any of my children to feel the way I did (do). But when I look at her, my heat breaks for THIS little girl

    I know that something good will come from this. So many good things have already been given to me. My life is oh so blessed.


    So, there we go. Hopefully this will help somone out there too xo


    Well done and massive hugs for sharing your story i know it cant of been easy, you are you and all this is part of you and part of who you are and wel people can either like it lump it.

    I always knew there was more to your story than the small bits that was shared a few years ago but never knew what exactly

    Any one who judges for your past can f*k off

  4. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Nowhere For This Useful Post:

    Ffrenchknickers  (03-08-2012),Mod-Myztik  (01-08-2012)

  5. #44
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    Ffrenchknickers  (03-08-2012)

  7. #45
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    I have tears. What a hard journey it's been and what a wonderful life you have set yourself up. Don't feel embarrassed. Feel proud you have overcome all these obstacles to come out on the end such a down to earth, wonderful person

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    Ffrenchknickers  (03-08-2012)

  9. #46
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    OP thank you for sharing. I hope you feel some weight lifted off you shoulders.

    I don't judge you at all, in fact it's the one's who have come through such adversity that I relate to. I've not been through all that you have but I do relate to some parts.

    I like to think that whatever we experienced in the past helps us now to be a better mother/person/partner. Some good has to come from such a difficult past.

    So once again thank you for sharing x

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  11. #47
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    You've had such a hard road.

    On the positive side, it seems to have given you a lot of empathy and compassion.

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to MsMummy For This Useful Post:

    Ffrenchknickers  (03-08-2012)

  13. #48
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    It's freaking me out a little that this has had 841 views so far.

  14. #49
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    Nancy and Bunkx, thankyou for your hugs xoxo

    Fobs - no probs, thanks for reading
    Moosies, thanks i will be.
    Sarelou - thanks, you are right, sometimes one minute at a time hey? xo
    Electric Pink and Allymumtobe, thanks so much, means alot xoxo
    Mumf twosweeties, you can stalk me, I might need a new one hehe.
    Miltikini - Massive hugs, you have shared some of what you have been through, I admire you heaps

    OUrlittleblessing, that's so nice of you to say xoxo
    Roz, that's something that's on my mind alot how to tell my kids. I do hate that one day they will know what I did.

    Buttoneska, thanks, I didn't think that, I enjoyed that conversation. Thankyou xoxo
    Thanks Caz xo

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  16. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ffrenchknickers View Post
    It's freaking me out a little that this has had 841 views so far.
    800 of them is me, reading the posts

  17. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Jakois For This Useful Post:

    Ffrenchknickers  (03-08-2012),LoveLivesHere  (01-08-2012),Mod-Myztik  (01-08-2012)


 

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