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  1. #1
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    Default struggling step parent

    My DP and I have been together for over two years and he has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 5yrs old. Throughout our whole relationship his ex partner has done nothing push negative attitudes and beliefs onto his daughter to an extent where she tells his daughter that I am a bad person, and that she does not like me. It has gone so far as when i fell pregnant with my first I was not allowed to be anywhere near her as it would it away and the ex was constantly telling my DP that his daughter will have nothing to do with her step-sibling, my son is now 5wks old and my DP's ex has decided that its ok for them to meet, but in saying that she still wants her daughter to have nothing to do with me. I can understand why she would feel threatened and uncomfortable with the idea but she has known about it from the start and has had more than enough time to address the issues she has with me. Both my partner and I are very careful what we say and do around his ex because if she is angry or unhappy she prevents him from spending time with his daughter. At this stage he only gets to see her every other weekend and even then its only for a few hours. He is a devoted parent and each time he is unable to see his daughter it breaks his heart and mine. All he wants is to spend a weekend, full days or half with his whole family, with his children and at the moment he is unable to do so.

    Any ideas on how I can make this happen or address the situation with his ex? As I believe that his daughter and his son should be able to get to know each other and grow up together.

  2. #2
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    Have you gone through mediation and got a lawyer? I only ask because the 'custody' arrangement in your case seems absolutely absurd. I can't imagine any judge saying every second weekend for the dad is ok. And I can't imagine any lawyer/mediator letting the mother get away with such alienating behavior.

    If you have lawyers and are waiting for a hearing then in the meantime you could try empathising with the ex-partner. Not saying you should have to... But if it gets hubby more time with his child what's the harm?
    For example, if the mother is nervous about not being around her child, promise the child will call her every day and send the mother a picture every day. If you got with your DP before they really split, apologise. If the mother really doesn't like you, invite her in for a coffee to try and break the ice. Or try and pinpoint specific things she doesnt like (eg drinking) and promise youre not going to do them). Or go away for a weekend and your hubby can have his child over then (not ideal long term but it may help the ex warm to the situation).

    Good luck.

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    Its probably best to go through mediation and for your DP and his ex to perhaps work on building up his time with his DD over a period of time.
    Perhaps work on one whole day EOW for a few months and then to an overnight stay and then to a whole weekend EOW.
    It would be good for your DP and ex to use mediation services nut out all sorts of issues and come up with a parenting plan.

    Dont forget to think of things such as xmas, easter, school holidays, mothers/fathers day etc.

    As for the mother not liking you, I am afraid there is not much you can do about that. She may just dislike you because you are with her ex or because she fears her DD having another 'mother figure' around her.
    All you can really do is be the bigger person and not stoop to her level of nastiness.

    I'd let your DP be the one who does all the communicating with his Ex as its their daughter so therefore their responsibily to work things out together.

    Good Luck with it all, try not to let it all get you down.
    Support your husband but don't allow his ex's behaviours get to you in a negative way.

  4. #4
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    Your DP needs to organise mediation and then consent orders and have as little to do with ex as possible. She sounds like a nightmare

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    Mediation well thats something we have tried, DP first session was about separation cause he wanted out and the ex did not agree, they are still working on the terms of that, (i.e him helping out with house maintenace like lawn mowing) They have however started mediation in regards to his daughter but all the ex does is whinge, ***** and restrict his access to his daughter even more. The butt of it is she claims the only reason why she is doing is cause of me. Im the 'bad influence' and she doesnt want her daughter around me. It makes me laugh sometimes as i work in childcare, have a child of my own and have never met the woman. I have agreed to meet with her and discuss her issues about letting her daughter stay over, even invited her out for a coffee but she refuses to make it about the child and is instead more interested with my relation with her ex. Its getting to the point now where DP only gets to see his daughter once every fortnight and when his ex's parents return from there annual fishing trip he wont even get that anymore. I am trying really hard not to judge this woman and put myself in her shoes, but manipulating a 5yr girl telling her daddy doesnt love you, thats why he left is WRONG on all accounts and even though she is her BM she shouldnt take out her grudges on my DP using their daughter. At times i think its the only leverage she has over him. Hopefully this next mediation session will go as smoother and we can discuss how to introduce her to her new brother instead of bickering about other less important matters.

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    Thankyou for the hints unfortunately we have tried everything from meeting for coffee, to arranging me stay away for the weekend so he can have a stay over with her but she will only allow stay overs if he stays there (spare room ofcourse) but its not something he is willing to do because then she has him in her grasp again and as he said, he does not feel comfortable there anymore. I dont think its too much to ask that their DD and our son who are siblings whether she likes it or not know each other and have the opportunity to grow up together. Instead of focussing about us and relationships and manipulating each other it should be about the kids, but i guess only we see it that way. I think the biggest issue is even his family agree with her. He has no family support, even his own mother said she loved his ex more than him. *Sigh* messy situation i guess.

    But thankyou for the support and advice, even if i just end up venting sorry

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    Oh my well thats certainly unfair but I guess its how things are down these days though we have been told by mediators that when boys gets older then want to spend time with their mums and when girls get older they want to spend time with their dads, somewhere around the age of 7 or 8 i think it was, there was also some stats to follow it but i cant remember where all the paperwork is I hope things work out sooner rather than later. It is most unfortunate

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    Quote Originally Posted by younglady966 View Post
    My DP and I have been together for over two years and he has a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 5yrs old. Throughout our whole relationship his ex partner has done nothing push negative attitudes and beliefs onto his daughter to an extent where she tells his daughter that I am a bad person, and that she does not like me. It has gone so far as when i fell pregnant with my first I was not allowed to be anywhere near her as it would it away and the ex was constantly telling my DP that his daughter will have nothing to do with her step-sibling, my son is now 5wks old and my DP's ex has decided that its ok for them to meet, but in saying that she still wants her daughter to have nothing to do with me. I can understand why she would feel threatened and uncomfortable with the idea but she has known about it from the start and has had more than enough time to address the issues she has with me. Both my partner and I are very careful what we say and do around his ex because if she is angry or unhappy she prevents him from spending time with his daughter. At this stage he only gets to see her every other weekend and even then its only for a few hours. He is a devoted parent and each time he is unable to see his daughter it breaks his heart and mine. All he wants is to spend a weekend, full days or half with his whole family, with his children and at the moment he is unable to do so.

    Any ideas on how I can make this happen or address the situation with his ex? As I believe that his daughter and his son should be able to get to know each other and grow up together.
    You need court orders. I would suggest for him to go to mediation. His daughter has just as much right to be a part of her fathers family as she does with her mother.

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    If you have a mediation certificate you can now apply to the courts for a parenting order...?? Did you go through a registered agency?

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    If you have a mediation certificate you can now apply to the courts for a parenting order...?? Did you go through a registered agency?
    Yes, this.

    If you have already attempted mediation, apply for parenting orders.


 

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