Let kids deal with bullying themselves?

**giggle berry** · 29-07-2012 22:58

Please ignore if this is taking thing's off topic....

Just wondering specifically what people have found does work for dealing with bullying?

DH and I seem to change our minds on how we would deal with this if/when it arises with DS.

Assuming you do take action on your child's behalf, what have you tried and what was/wasn't effective in your experience?

**River Song** · 29-07-2012 22:59

Originally Posted by austmum

Teaching your child to be assertive is great, but where does that leave the bully? Free to move on to the next child who can't stand up for themselves?

partly, i cannot be personally responsible for every child and what may or may not happen in the future.

Partly, often, when a bully fails it teaches them that their tactics do not work.

Partly, sometimes, bullying is just something that happens between 2 kids...and is often not continued on afterwards.

It is important to keep the school in the loop in case there are repeated offences (I told my son's teacher my concerns but asked her to monitor it and not get involved unless things escalated or DS complained to her) but, too often, adult jump in way to fast and kids do not learn how to resolve their own problems.

**Annabella** · 29-07-2012 23:14

Originally Posted by Nemmi

And when it doesn't work?
Mum raised me very similar but there is only so much defending one can do before the comments get the better and you go 'why bother'

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I actually don't encourage her to 'defend' herself per se, rather just to distance herself from this girl and be assertive. Ive told her to tell a teacher if she feels unsafe. And like I said, we closely monitored the situation and I did step jn when I felt it was too much for my daughter to handle on her own. The school have taken the same approach as us- encouraging my DD to tackle what she can herself, and I think the knowledge that the school has got her back, and the skills she is developing in the process have been really good for her self confidence.

I agree it very much comes down to the child and the type of bullying, but for my children, so far, I believe encouraging them to talk to me about it, and coming up with strategies for THEM to try, is the best way to deal with it initially, and if that doesn't work- THEN try the other things like getting the school involved.

**Izzys Dragon** · 29-07-2012 23:14

Hugs to those who have had to deal with bullies, either themselves or a loved one.
I agree that dispute resolution is something children should learn, as a general life skill though.
I don't think that having to deal with bullying teaches it though.
It sure as didn't work for me. I tried telling my bullies to back off, ignored them, escalated it... nothing worked, they didn't pay attention & it didn't stop. For the entire time I was at school. It was soul destroying. And I had family & friends who supported me. I spent quite a long time hating & hurting myself so I could cope. I still have trouble making friends & coping in social situations - I double & triple think every word I say so I don't end up saying much at all.
And the people doing the bullying need to be taught social skills.

So no, bullying should never be left alone IMHO. The risk that more damage could be done is by far too great.

**MissMuppet** · 30-07-2012 07:57

I think its rubbish also.

I dislike how victims of bullying are often perceived as weak, or unassertive, or over protected, can't cope with the real world etc. That's rubbish. Instead of focussing on whats 'wrong' with the victim I'd like to see more responsibility placed on the bullies shoulder and what can be done to not create bullies.

The mindset that there's something weak about the victim and that's why they were chosen misses the fact that sometimes someone will be bullied at one school, but be popular at another. My DH was bullied terribly at one school. But when he changed schools he found at his new school he was popular, had a great group of friends. He was still the same person. But his peers at the first school were aggressive, arrogant, entitled, and the kids at the second school were sensitive, friendly and accepting of difference. Sometimes its just pot luck as to whether you'll be the target of bullying. It doesn't necessarily mean you're 'defective', it might be that you were unlucky and got a particularly aggressive set of kids. Or were unlucky to find yourselves in a year group with kids who are very different from you and who haven't been taught to be celebrate difference.

Having a parent who is involved and 'hovers' doesn't guarantee you'll be bullied. But you can be pretty sure that if you are bullied that parent will notice and try to help.

DHs parents were far from 'helipcoter parents'. He would have loved them to have paid more attention and removed him from the toxic environment he was in earlier. He didn't need to change. He needed to be moved.

**giggle berry** · 30-07-2012 16:08

After reading this thread I discussed this with DH.

He's always been a life of the party type who makes friends easily since I've known him. However, when he was very young (pre-school ) he was physically bullied at kinder by older prep kids, purely because he was small for his age.

He was grateful that his parents stepped in immediately as this was not something he could have handled on his own.

He believes that that immediate support and protection that they provide d helped to shape the confident outgoing personality I know and love today!

He agrees that conflict resolution is learnt through tiffs with other kids not through dealing with bullies.

**Annabella** · 31-07-2012 00:05

I disagree that encouraging your children to try and solve the problem before stepping in is victim-blaming or saying bullied kids are weak. My DD is not weak, and I definitely don't blame her that this girl chose to bully her. There is NOTHING wrong with her, compared to the girl who bullied her who is constantly in trouble for being nasty. She has never been bullied before and is very popular, til this girl came to the school. I do closely monitor what's going on, it's not like I sit back and let her be treated badly, in fact when it got to the point where I felt I needed to talk to the principle, I was literally in tears saying how I wished this awful child would leave the school. However, I have seen such a massive boost in confidence in my DD that she was able to mostly handle this situation on her own and I believe she has gained valuable skills that will help her in life that she wouldn't have got had I stepped in immediately and handled the situation for her.

**trishalishous** · 31-07-2012 01:26

I do think that we (in general) dont allow our kids to learn their own lessons and skills, but constant bullying is a real issue and shouldnt be ignored.