I was just wondering if/when you stop thinking about a traumatic birth?
My little man came into the world 7 months ago. It should have been the greatest day of my life but it was probably one of the worst and I still think about it every single day. I still cry about it every single day. I just have to look at him & it sets me off.
My labour was a quick one (4 hours) I was denied pain management cause the midwife thought I was "doing great" I BEGGED them for an epidural, I felt like my entire body was on fire, I was exhausted from having not slept the night before because I was meant to be induced (I didn't make it to induction as I went into spontaneous labour - I'm convinced I willed my body into it) & I was terrified. I was passing out in the bath in between contractions.
When my son was born he had a small hole in the top of his head so he was torn from my arms, after about a minute of skin-to-skin, and taken to the NICU.
I was stitched up and given a catheter then I was left in the delivery suite (my husband went with the baby) for SIX HOURS. Just left laying there on the bed. Noone came to tell me what was happening with my baby or to help me get up or get showered. I was left laying there in all the blood and amniotic fluid and everything else. I called out and the only person who heard me and came in to check was the breakfast tray lady. She said she'd try to find a nurse.
My baby's first meal was formula in a feeding tube down his nose, not breastmilk as we had hoped and his first comforting cuddle was from a nurse not from his mother.
If I close my eyes I can still hear his cries as they wheeled him out.
In the end, he was fine. There's a long technical world for his condition, which basically means the skin hadn't finished growing over in utero. So just under two weeks later he was discharged. As all the focus had been on him I hadn't thought about my labour and the hours afterwards I convinced myself that everything was fine because they were doing what they had to, to help my baby. But 7 months on that's just not enough. I really feel like they violated the trust I put in them to help me. I am so traumatised by all of it that I've decided not to have any more children.
I was just hoping someone could tell me that it's going to be ok and one day I won't get angry or upset when I think about it