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  1. #21
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    Many excellent advice here. Maybe try to include him into the flow when he's home. For example, "DH, I'm going to feed DS now, could you please do the dishes, or you can feed DS with the bottle when I do the dishes". After a few times hopefully it will become a routine.

    For men that think SAHMs do nothing all day, best way is too leave kid(s) with them when you go out for a (can be imaginary) doctor appointment etc, leave them a list of things that you normally do and see how they cope with it.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by GluttonForPunishment View Post
    I think most of the PP's are on the right track. If you've basically "taken control" of the situation, we tend to feel rather useless. If you've taken control of feeding and nappy changing and house cleaning then quite likely, he feels you want him out of the way.
    It's rare I don't totally agree with you lol but I think this can be true... and can sometimes be a bit of a cop out. It sounds like the OP has taken over everything bc her partner has stopped doing his share as opposed to her doing everything and him feeling on the outer and useless.

    The first child can be just as confusing and difficult for the mum as the dad, yet most mums work thru it thru trial and error. If he feels left out he should express he wants to do more rather than sitting on the lounge watching footy.

    Do NOT treat him like a child. Banning TV? Um, I moved out of home when I was 18 and nobody tells me "I'm not allowed." That's how you treat children, not your partner. Instead, discuss with him how him watching TV whilst your struggling makes you feel and ask him to not watch it etc. Telling somebody to do something versus discussing something with someone is a hell of a big difference.
    I do agree here though. I never tell DH he's not allowed to do something. He's a man, not a child, and I would be p*ssed if he tried to tell me I couldn't do something either. Instead we discuss with each other why we don't like a particular action, word etc and how it makes us feel. We then feel empathy for each other and *we* decide we aren't going to do it anymore, rather than bc we aren't allowed to.

  3. #23
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    when my DD was born, I took on the role of looking after her. My Ex started getting upset for all the wrong reasons, I spent more time with our daughter than her, she should be the one bonding (even though she was with her all day) and so on. When our DS Twins came into our lives I was probably seen as being neglecting - but there was a reason for the long hours at work. You see, I was filled with a dread that the bills wouldn't get paid, that the mortgage payments would slip if I didn't work hard and keep the money coming in. Irrational? You bet. But I saw the boys as the straw that would break the financial camel's back - they were there for me at knock off and I would feed, bath and read them a bedtime story - I still do. Don't get me wrong, my whole world revolves around my kids, but at the time, nobody else was worrying about the money.

    I was accused of taking over the quality time with them, and my ex never got any time for fun things with them. I was also the one getting up every 4 hours to bring a bub in for her to breast feed, then returning them to bed after a nappy change. As my DD was onto solids, I was the one mashing and pureeing the food for her - none of that tinned stuff for her.

    4 years ago, the ex met the love of her life and left me alone with the 3 kids for sometimes up to a week alone with them (at night only - she fronted up every day to look after them, except weekends) This continued for a year until she moved out and took them with her.

    For fathers who don't think it is their "job" to look after the baby, I suggest doing what lovesushi suggests. it is a real eye opener for the partner who is cruising through life with no cares. I am certain my ex got a life lesson when I did it to her.

  4. #24
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    I haven't read the other posts ...

    It is a huge adjustment having a baby ... My dh used to come home from work layon the lounge floor, read the junk mail (leave it there), watch tv and have a snooze! It took him a very longtime to get him out of this.

    Eventually I said to him that the time from when he gets home from work and kids go to bed is NOT his rest time ... It is the KIDs time with him and the only time he gets with them during the week but also the ONLY time they get with him. Now he is great and will come in give them his full attention till they go to bed. Dh used to do ds bath every night while I did dishes etc. BUT it must have taken me a good six months to get thru to him!!'

  5. #25
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    Loads of good advice! I think yes it's normal and yes as you're posting about it completely unacceptable to you.

    I think it's 50/50 when both partners are home - usually for us that means DS is handed over when DH gets home and does bathing/feeding and that gives me a chance to catch up on anything I didn't get to do during the day and make some dinner.

    It was always important for me to have a break at the end of the day - probably good for both mumma and bubba really - you've been together all day!

    Communication when baby comes along is so much more important and he needs to know how you're feeling otherwise you will end up feeling resentful at best and depressed at worst.

  6. #26
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    Wow! I'm overwhelmed by all of your responses! Some absolutely amazing advice and I really really appreciate it!

    After I wrote the post I immediately felt guilty as hours later during a 6am post-feed crying baby moment DH leapt out of bed and said "here, I will take him, you sleep" and I thought "god I'm a b*tch!"
    However I realised after my hour of uninterrupted sleep that it gave me a gentle opening and so later I used some of the tips here and started a discussion about how much I appreciated his help and how well DS responds to his comforting. I then mentioned that I was feeling a bit exhausted and was wondering if we could do a bit more shared activity before I headed to try and start sleeping at the same time as DS, so pre 8ish at night. He said that sounded fine and started implementing it when he got home from work early Fri evening but then the footy started and I was calling him to help and getting a grumpy heel-dragging reaction and I said 'we talked about this this morning' so he stopped the footy but still dragged his heels. I guess it will take time and I can make exceptions like if it's "his" team.
    I agree with PPs, I don't want to ban him, that would probably give me the opposite of a desirable reaction. He is very independent but just grew up without his Dad around and doesn't know what role to play. Plus I know Im still having my moments of adjusting to not being able to do whatever I want when I want anymore and I had 9 months to adjust so I'm sure it's equally as frustrating for him and easier to escape the reality a bit when the crying baby doesn't want to latch itself to you!
    In answer to some questions, yes I'm breast feeding so definitely there is some stuff he can't do but DS has reflux and post feed needs to be held upright for atleast 20 mins and so there are definitely things he can do! I just need to gently show him and ask him so that resentment doesn't gain legs!
    Thanks for getting me out of that situation calmly everyone! I will persevere and remember all your advice!

  7. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to JoMcY For This Useful Post:

    lovesushi  (29-07-2012),Mod-Myztik  (29-07-2012)

  8. #27
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    Maybe purchase him a DVR for Christmas ? Then you are not banning tv just prolonging him watching

  9. #28
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    My DH is a MAD (beyond describing) AFL fan. It drives me mad how glued to the tv he is. My compromise was to get foxtel with the sports package so he can record "his" team and watch it when we're together. He feels I need to watch it cause he loves it so much. I usually read a book

    There's a heap of great advice in here. Early on my DH was very non hands on. We had a few talks about it. Now if he's home from work bath time is his so that I get to shower in peace. Plus it gives us a chance to chatter away.

  10. #29
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    well, men arent really programmed to look after kids, atleast that's what my hubby says. He didn't help out much in the beginning and since i live away from all of my relatives, with a baby fr the first time i hated my hubby's indifferent attitude. I told him him about it and it all worked out. Not that he helps a lot now, -_- but there is some progress.

  11. #30
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    our tv stays off until after the dinner dishes are done, and dd is ready for bed (she watches playschool after her shower, then bed) and doesnt go on during the daylight hours of weekends. theres always so much to do around the house, daylight hours are for working


 

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