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  1. #11
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    My DH was pretty similar, he would come home from work and demand "me time" after I had been dealing with a refluxy baby that didn't let me put him down all day, even when asleep (but hated the sling). I was pretty blunt about telling him to shape up, and he did, begrudgingly. He honestly seemed to be completely delusional that I spent my days napping and watching tv with a baby on my boob - he thought he had it harder and it was only with time, lots of discussions and after my days really did get easier that he has pulled his finger out. Now he is the most amazing dad, he does the entire bath and bed routine every night and also gets up for all the night wakes.


    Are you breast feeding? I found that made DH feel a bit useless in terms of settling bubs, also I was a bit bossy because I felt I knew DS better than he did (knew his cries etc), we were both completely out of our depth but maybe DH felt he couldn't really help much anyway, is it possible that's what's going on for you?

    I hope things improve. You can always hand your DS to your DH and just say "I'm having a bath, deal with it"

  2. #12
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    Your all lucky. My hubby works away but on days off does nothing and even if I ask gets in a mood so I don't bother now.

    I did try asking but he just doesn't have the patience with them and so I just deal with them both now and if he doesn't get fed not my problem lol

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  3. #13
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    I would be reading him the riot act.

    I found the first six months was a bit like being under siege. We would be passing the baby to each other, one would make dinner, the other one would hold him, feed him, take him for a walk around the block to calm him etc. Neither of us slothed around on the sofa for hours on end while the other was busy with the baby.

    I think you have to put you foot down with these lazy men. I had mine busy from day one, doing all the nappy changes and non-feeding stuff.

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  5. #14
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    Savingfishfromdrowning is offline If you can't change your fate, change your attitude
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    I don't think you're expecting too much. My DH was a bit the same at first. I think the best thing is to ask him to do specific things, as it's unlikely he will just know what needs doing. And do try to raise it with him when you are feeling clam.

    Good luck

  6. #15
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    I know all men are different but I couldn't handle my DH not being a hands on dad... It would drive me nuts. Lucky for me he's one of those that cleans, cooks, looks after baby and works full time too. I'm very lucky.

    But he does have his moments.
    Parenting is up to both parents. Yes usually the men work etc but so do the women, our job is 24/7. We r on call.

    I think it's especially important for your partner to help out at this early stage as u need time to chill out too, and it would be good for him to form a bond with your baby. Plus he will become more confident with bubs.

    Some of my DH's friends who are not hands on dads used to tell my DH how they did nothing coz their babies 'didn't do anything yet' as in they just slept all the time or were feeding with mum.

    But in fact, as my DH noticed, this is not true. Babies r very clever and they learn every day. He noticed everything DS did, the smiles, the looks, watching and playing with toys, and he was so stoked when he saw DS do something new, coz he was paying attention where his mates obviously weren't.

    He treasures those memories and is so glad he never missed those moments.

    I would ask your DH to help, give him that responsibility like others have said. Hand him bubs when u need to cook / shower or even when bubs is crying. He may find he's really good at something. DH was excellent at getting burps out. He felt 'needed'

    I also used to show him all the time how much DS loved seeing him. I always said 'look how happy he is to see u when u come home' 'see he recognizes your voice' etc

    That made him feel really special and definitely helped the bond between them

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  8. #16
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    GluttonForPunishment is offline Bubhub Award Winner - 2011- Most Optimistic Poster and Newbie of the Year Awards
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    I think most of the PP's are on the right track. If you've basically "taken control" of the situation, we tend to feel rather useless. If you've taken control of feeding and nappy changing and house cleaning then quite likely, he feels you want him out of the way. I love a PP's idea of starting bath time and then "having" to go to the loo. Sneaky but effective!

    And yeah, sit him down nice and calmly. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you're just feeling your way too and that you want him to be involved and value his opinions. Let me tell you something, those women who TELL the hubbies how to raise their children are also most likely those with hubbies who don't participate. If you want a team effort, then it's also team decision making. So tell him you want him on the team.

    Do NOT treat him like a child. Banning TV? Um, I moved out of home when I was 18 and nobody tells me "I'm not allowed." That's how you treat children, not your partner. Instead, discuss with him how him watching TV whilst your struggling makes you feel and ask him to not watch it etc. Telling somebody to do something versus discussing something with someone is a hell of a big difference.

    Finally, the home life is no different from a work life. Everyone has responsibilities, tasks are shared, budgets must be adhered to etc. At work, more than likely your hubby is part of a team, so explain that home is no different to his work. However, like a good workplace, criticism must be constructive and shared. "YOU DON'T DO THIS RIGHT!" will quickly see you lose him as a team mate. If you over criticise his performance, he's going to tell you to get stuffed and you can b!oody well do it on your own. Remember, he's like a trainee - he's not going to get things right first, second or third time. But he will eventually, just as you will also.

    Just FYI, I add that because my ex-DW was a shocker for that. Really, really, REALLY annoying when you're trying your best and you continually get shot down.

    Anyway, best of luck! I'm sure that with good communication between the two of you, you'll be feeling better in no time and you can help train up your hubby so that he can be a Superdad to join what is obviously already a Supermum!

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  10. #17
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    in this house, our rule, is that we sit down and relax TOGETHER!!

    Neither one of us is to sit down and leave the other one to do it all, it's simply not fair!

    We spoke about what each of us can do...ie even holding bub while other cooks...one does bath time other cooks or cleans or helps/plays with/reads with DS (he is 8). But, if he is cooking and I finish bedtime...I tidy and help untll our dinner ready and we sit and relax together and watch something we both like.

    Staying united as a couple is really important...and imo there is nothing worse than your partner sitting and putting their feet up while you are run off your feet. It breeds resentment and disharmony.

    Ask him to do it all by himself one night and see how he copes (not in a nasty way but as in a "this is why i need your help" way)....then, sit down together and come to an agreement

  11. #18
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    I agree with GFP, banning things and 'rules' will likely get most men offside...

    I'd hate for my DH to ban me or have certain rules.. We aren't kids. It all comes down to respect and compromise

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  13. #19
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    I agree with GFP.

    Just to add though, he may be totally unaware that you need him to be helping more. Sometimes just coming out and saying (calmly) what you all need as a family is the way to go.

  14. #20
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    hi

    i get the same a bit too...beware tho that there are SOME men / partners out there who TRULY beleive that because they "work all day" they are entiled to come home and rest up while the wife who does "nothing all day" (a belief that taking care of a child is doing nothing) should do it all....this attitude makes my blood BOIL i can tell u as i know my DH tends to hold this belief a little bit even tho he will deny it..can i also add that my DH suffered a bit of male PND as well with our first and that can make them not want to be involved as much..just something to think about as men are often ignored in terms of that stuff....i agree tho calm discussion is better and "rules" dont seem to work....dont just suck it up and say nothing cos u will end up resentful. good luck.


 

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