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  1. #1
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    Default DH won't engage with the pregnancy

    I accidentally put this in the wrong forum so re-posting below:

    Am I alone in this? My DH is a good man in general and our pregnancy was planned, but he is just not interested in engaging in any way in the fact that we are about to become parents. I am 36+2 and he isn't interested in talking about names, hasn't even opened either of the books or even the info package from the ante-natal classes, moans when I ask if he's going to make an appearance at my OB appointment, rolls his eyes when I buy something for the baby as if I'm just indulging a fantasy, even if it's just nappies or something without any cute factor! <br />
    <br />
    Has anyone else faced this sort of situation? Did the birth and homecoming go ok when the man had absolutely no idea what he was in for? Any tips for how to get him to wake up and realise what's happening and that I need him to engage in it? I've tried gently talking to him which he brushes off as a joke, I've tried getting angry which he reacts to as if I'm just a crazy pregnant woman. He will sit for hours in front of the tv and then tell me he hasn't had time to think about names or to read about what he's in for. I feel very alone

  2. #2
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    Some men have real trouble with connecting until the baby is 'there'. It can be a combination of things, fear, concern, jealousy (he's going to have to share you!) And other thing can all make a man standoffish or ignore the whole process. It's more common than you'd think!

    Chances are he'll change once bubs is here, but speak to a therapist if it's causing you anguish. You don't need to be stressed.

  3. #3
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    Don't be stressed.

    It's hard for him to engage with something he can't see, touch or hear. You have constant physical connections with the baby, and he's left out of it. He might be feeling depressed about this, and showing it in the way society tells our men they should show their emotions- through negativity.

    Before the baby, it was you and him. When the baby is born, it'll be about you and the baby, and everyone will be exclaiming over the new baby and new mother. He'll be shunted to the back of the classroom.

    He probably feeling jealous, miserable, scared and left out...and doesn't know how to tell you.

    Try and make something not about the baby. Go out for dinner and don't mention your pregnancy or the baby even once. Let him stay at a friend's house overnight, or go for a gaming session/whatever they do. Make him his favourite meal and say you thought of nothing else except him all day.

    Just a little break from the constant pressure of impending fatherhood means the world to soon to be Dads, and helps their self confidence a heap.

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    I hate to be a negitive nancy here.. My ex didnt change, he continued to ignore the child, left her at home unattended at 6 weeks. etc.. the list goes on.. she is now 3 and he still doesnt pay her much attention.

    But alot of men do change when they meet there baby for the first time.

  6. #5
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    Yup, my DH was like this with my first 2, I even built a flippen heavy cot by myself. THe love flood after a few days hits them too...dont worry he will get with the program once baby is there. Be patient it does not happen as fast with them as it does with us...they are more concerned about how are they going to afford all this and will they ever have sex again!

    Choosing names they have to be involved, I sent my DH a list of totaly horrible names that I knew he would hate and one night he just could not sleep and we decided on names and nursery things and everything at 1am in the morning.

  7. #6
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    I truly believe that most men don't fully engage until they hold their baby in their arms.
    I'm sure he will fall in love as soon as he lays eyes on your little bundle xxx

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    My DH didn't really get it until A was born then he burst into tears.

    TBH, men are just a bit stupid. They don't get things until they're right there in front of them (well, many - I have sons of my own now, so I can't be too critical!).

    Do you have friends with young babies? Having him hang with some other men who are more "involved" might help, and being exposed to small babies might be a bit of a wake-up. DH had never really had anything to do with babies until A was born. But we did have neighbours who we had dinner with now and then who had a young baby.

    Does he have a male friend who's a decent dad whom you can prompt to remind him about names etc.

    And perhaps you could just start calling the bub by your preferred names (then he might get used to them and like them, too!) so that he has time to think about them.

  9. #8
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    My DF was a little more engaged with me whilst I was pregnant, but wasn't overly engaging. The only time he'd really pay attention was when we'd be laying in bed of a night and he thought I was asleep he'd touch my belly talk to our daughter, tell her he loved her and couldn't wait to meet her. Other then that nothing.

    When she was born, everything changed. He bawled and was in utter awe of myself what I could do, and the little person we created.

    I'm currently pregnant with # 2, and he's already voiced that he can't wait for my belly to get big and feel baby moving.

    I think your man will get it once bub is here

  10. #9
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    Just wanted to say that DP and I are still trying and even though he really wants a child he only expresses it via text message... When we are at home together he will not have two bars of it when I try to talk about names etc. but via text message he loves it!
    Aeird.

    Maybe you could try the same thing?

  11. #10
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    Most guys "don't get it" until the baby is born. My hubby is very supportive and even he says he doesn't get it and this is our 3rd. Its a bit different for us as we think about it 24/7 where they are more when they see you or happy to have specific tasks - ie nursery.

    One of my friends hubby's quite unsupportive, she had sciatica and on bed rest and crutches etc, he was home one day until 1pm and she had no idea, he was playing computer games, he wouldn't even bring in a sandwich, but when bubs was born he virtually took over and we were left thinking that he needed to back off a bit so she get get some Mummy time

    Most guys get it when bubs is born. Don't stress


 

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