Just musing

[LuvAnother]

I got pointed in the direction of this forum from a friend who found it helpful when she was trying to conceive.

I am not even sure I need people to reply or not I just need to get everything out off my chest but not to anyone who knows me if that makes sense? This may be long so anyone who sticks it out til the end is free to comment though, I think you would have earned it cause I tend to waffle.

My husband and I have had our ups and downs. He had DREADFUL parents himself growing up and has had big lessons to learn about parenting and relationships in general.

When we met he had only had girlfriends who lasted no more than two months. Then he met me and we have been together for nearly ten years.

We had our ups and downs before we had our son but I think many people do when they live together for the first time and try to merge values and cultures. And as mentioned he didn't have great role models growing up. His dad was a serial cheater, my husband has half brothers all over the show I haven't even met. His mother was a terrible verbal abuser and chronic gambler.

We had our son and I think this where the differences in our personalities, upbringings and expectations really butted heads.

I was lucky. I had a lovely, caring mum who had a background in Early CHildhood and I find being a nuturing mum easy as I am sure most of us do. I went back to work when our son was 6 months old as we needed the money. My husband has struggled to ever help around the house (I know most men are like this), he doesn't take care of the finances, do the shopping or even drive! I am surprised at how many of his friends don't drive. I have therefore spent the last 4+ years tired. And fell out of love with him a wee bit as I just wasn't feeling cared for. I couldn't rely on him to look after me/us when I was sick. If I asked him to come home cause I was tired or stressed he would stay out drinking. He wouldn't even so much as load the dishwasher or walk to dog EVER.

About three months ago we nearly separated. We actually had agreed to, it was the first time ever he had admitted that anything was wrong in our relationship. For me that was a turning point as he had never admitted that we had issues to fix and was all about blaming everthing on me instead of taking responsibility for his part in it. As we both have a part. So we agreed to work on it.

It hasn't been easy. FOr him he is heaps better but for me I find I am so wary now every time something small happens I am taken right back to the start where he feels he shouldn't be "punished" for want of a better word over something small when he has made good progress.

But slowly it is getting to the point we are cuddling more just for the sake of cuddling. He came home when I was sick the other day to look after me, pick up our son and make dinner. It is getting good to how we used to be again.

I love my son so much and he is a beautiful boy. He is lonely though. He would love a sibling and both my husband and I would love another child.

I was thinking that if we are still good this time next year that we could think about ttcing again. But then I panic and think that it isn't far away and it could all go down again or am I just kidding myself cause I want another baby.

The other part of me thinks that we shouldn't have one, our son will be at school, can I cope with another baby and cart him to school and me to work when I go back etc. Would it break us down again?

If things were perfect I would ttc tomorrow as I am getting closer to 40 than I would like to admit. But its not. Not sure what to do where to go how long to wait.

Anyway, think that is enough for now. Just my wee ramble. If you managed to read the whole thing thanks for listening

[AllCreatures]

Hi LuvAnother. Just wanted to say welcome to BH and thanks for sharing your story. Best of luck with your decision