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  1. #21
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    I think it's probably a combination of personality, experiences and coping style. I was a very sensitive kid too (too sensitive and very anxious) with sensitive, open minded parents.

    Some people may cope with hardship by trying to master it through understanding... Others by putting a wall up and sticking to black and white thinking, which i guess is a heck of a lot less complicated in some ways!

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  3. #22
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    Buttoneska is offline Winner 2010- Most Community Minded Thread Award
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    Quote Originally Posted by Refresh View Post
    I believe that too. I can't accept that someone is JUST BAD.
    I think some ppl are just bad and some ppl are just good. Circumstance just enhances it.

  4. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by happygrl View Post
    Yes and no.


    There are social, economic and environmental reasons for people doing what they do but ultimately it's the decisions they make that shape their future
    Even that I find hard. There are just some times when people don't have the tools or even know there are other decisions to make. It's so complicated. Life is complicated.

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  6. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buttoneska View Post
    I think some ppl are just bad and some ppl are just good. Circumstance just enhances it.
    Really? Can you elaborate?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Annabella View Post
    Buttoneska, I remember as a child feeling sorry for the colour grey because it wasn't ever anyone's favourite colour because it is boring compared yk beautiful bright blues, reds, greens etc lol! Nerd alert!!!

    But in all seriousness, I think I sometimes look too deeply into why people behave the way they do, my last boyfriend (before my husband) came to Australia very very young as a refugee and had quite a difficult life, his family were fairly traumatised and dysfunctional, history if sexual abuse, he was incredibly intelligent but smoking pot several times a day working in mundane jobs just to pay the bills etc. he didn't treat me very well, but I really struggled to separate him- the man, from him- the sad child, and put up with being treated like crap for too long because I just felt so sad for the life he'd lived and how it was affecting who he is now. Eventually my dad said to me to 'put the friend before the freindship', and if i really loved him to think about what was best for HIM, which was being held accountable for the way he treated me. It wasn't helping him with me excusing his behaviour. So I always try to keep that in mind too.
    This describes some of my relationships too. I see the good, beautiful person inside, and sometimes put up with being treated poorly because of their pain, or abusive past. Your dad sounds very wise.

    My daughter (7) has also mentioned feeling sorry for unpopular colours! And being upset for the family dog one day dying ( like Buttoneska mentioned). She also became a vegetarian at a very young age because she thought animals wouldn't like being eaten, and refused to eat meat from that day on. People often think she's a bit strange, so its nice to hear that other people perfectly understand thinking like this as a child.

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  9. #26
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    OH me too! Vego since age 10 because I felt sorry for the animals. I remember SO many manic crazy, tantrumming moments when my dad caught fish too!! I sed to cry when my sister squashed ants and pray for every stray dog I saw because I was scared it was going to get run over!

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  11. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Refresh View Post
    Really? Can you elaborate?
    I think it is someones core.

    I think ppl can experience the same situation/experience/upbringing whatever you want to call and depending on their core is how they respond. A multitude of things can shape someone, but deep down its their core/compass that guides them.

    As an example my step-mother experienced a pretty troubled childhood; physical, s3xual and emotional abuse. She grew up and coped the best she could but repeated the cycle and we experienced the same childhood.

    Partially she did it because she knew no better but mostly because deep down I believe she was a bad person. She probably didn't understand, reflect, get the help/support to work through it - but it was always because she found pleasure in hurting and controlling other ppl.

    Growing up I was always petrified I would repeat these patterns because its what you hear but I have never been like her and never will be. I coped with my confusion, misunderstanding, experiences or whatever you want to call it by internalising and punishing myself. Deep down I was good at my core and would never externalise these feelings. I did not and do not enjoy seeing anyone suffer ever.

    My sisters dealt with it diffently again - they became controlled and structured and block ppl out, but deep down they still didn't enjoy hurting ppl.

    My step-sisters, one was like her mother - bad at the core and the other wasn't.

    I think we all have inate abilities/straits that shape us, but I 100% believe that some ppl are good and some ppl are bad.

    It is scary to think what these bad ppl can do when given the opportunity - look at the ppl who supported Hitler and performed horrible acts on innocent ppl given half an excuse.

    It is also amazing to think of pure hearted ppl who supported (even though hardship) to achieve and inspire and contribute to the world - like Gandhi.

  12. #28
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    Refresh, I am loving the recent threads. Where have you been?!
    I had to move from the phone to the freezing cold office to reply to this one...

    I am a soft touch, like MissMuppet (btw, you're awesome ) I am constantly being told to harden up. I am a firm believer in the power of a person's inherent "good". I think I'm a pretty positive and empathetic person, my mum thinks I'm pretty naive

    Just to give you an example. I am a community nurse and I visit people in their homes for nursing care. I have met all sorts of different people in my career so far and I (mostly) love my job. Recently I arrived at a client's home and was told by a gentleman out the front to go around the back. I did. I called out to announce my arrival but I walked into a dangerous situation (narcotics being dealt from the home) which I am thankful to leave alive and unharmed. But even after the initial "holy sh!t moment" I chatted with the client and discovered his mum had passed away this year. All I asked was, "are you ok? How are you coping with your grief?" and needless to say a man who had been so threatening 5 minutes before, was now weeping in front of me.

    I am not a perfect human being and I will openly admit that there are situations where I have made judgements, however I am a firm believer in "never judge a book by its cover" and always endeavour 100% to give everyone a go.

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  14. #29
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    oh and my husband struggles to feel empathy - he is a little better with sympthay but not alot.


    i dont think being either way makes you bad or good - i think bad ppl have alot of empathy alot of the time - they understand how their behaviour makes someone else feel and this is one of things that brings them so much 'reward' for their behaviour.

  15. #30
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    I am defiantely a bleeding heart. I spent the majority of my childhood crying and feeling guilty over everything. It nearly drove me to suicide as I felt bad that I couldnt fix the world. I analyse everything and understand exactly why most people do what they do......in the beginning. I start to take the hard line approach when people wallow in the same problems thier whole life and use it as an excuse for all that goes wrong. Yes you had an appalling life and if I could turn back time and make sure that never happend I would in a heartbeat. But unless you make the decision to better your life and do the research, and get the help and make your world a better place then there is nothing I can do. Thats what it come down to. I cannot afford to bleed for you if you are not willing to do something to stem the flow from both of us. If I hold you up emotionally you will never find your own coping mechanisms and we will both go down. Many have the right to cry 'poor me' but it does no one any good and eventually you are going to have to pick up the pieces and find some resilliance.

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