How to handle different parenting methods amongst family

[Buttercup80]

Hi

As the title suggests I'm just hoping to get some ideas on how to handle how we parent our child vs. my brother and his family.

As much as I adore my brother I have found that since he has had a family that I struggle to even visit them, they have 4 children now ranging from 6 years to 4 months and I love my little neices and nephews and so does our DS BUT while we are quite protective of DS I find that my brother and SIL quite lax (and I understand that everyone parents differently)...just a few examples to explain...
We went to visit the other day and my son wanted to scoot and my brother (who has a perfectly large yard to play in) asked his 6 year old to take my DS out the front to play and make sure he is ok. I was a little nervous so followed them out and my nephew was riding his bike up and down the road (not a dead end) and I had to keep stopping DS from going on the road which I then felt bad about as DS couldn't understand why he couldn't play on the road like his big cousins.
Last year I had a Tupperware party and my brother was away with work, the two older siblings were at their grandparents and my SIL was supposed to come along with her (then) 10 month old but she turned up without her and when I asked her at the door where my neice was she said that she had a temperature so she'd quickly left her at home and just wanted to give me some money for tupperware then was on her way home again! I quickly shoved her out the door to get home and told her not to worry about the party.
A few years ago they went camping and put the kids in one tent and themselves in another and in the middle of the night some people brought my niece back as she had wandered out of the tent!

Sorry I know this is long but because of our different parenting methods I really struggle with playdates and DS constantly wants to play with his cousins and they want him to spend the night etc but I'm just too scared about how things run at their house to ever stay long and I feel like my brother may feel like I'm judging them (I understand that I am) and I don't want to but how do you play with people who parent differently to yourself?

[Mum2EandR]

It's all about communication I think.

I am far bit more easygoing with my two than alot of my family/friends are.

When we are at playdates though I always ensure that my kids only do activities that the other kids are allowed to do (even if they would generally be able to more if they were on their own). I am very conscious of making sure that everyone feels comfortable.

Maybe if something like the scooter incident happens again, you could say to your brother "I don't really feel comfortable with DS near the road, can the boys play out the back?" or something similar to ensure that he knows that you are uncomfortable with it.

[wrena]

Yep, I'd have to agree that it all comes down to communicating and communicating how YOU feel rather than implying that there is something wrong with how they do things. If you put it in terms of your own feelings and fears rather than making it about 'right' and 'wrong' then I'm sure they'd be open to accommodating you. It's certainly not fair to expect them to change what they do, though, as I'm sure they do what they do because they've assessed the risks and benefits and made their own considered choices as the parents of their children.
I know for myself, I'm a very free-range parent and am often shocked by how much some parents hover. They're on their own journey, though, and have their own fears and reasons. My BIL doesn't like his DS to jump in puddles so when they are visiting I ask my DD not to so that her cousin doesn't get envious. If my BIL suggested that I was being slack or permissive by letting her jump in puddles at other times I'd be pretty outraged, though.

[Californication]

She left her 10 month old home alone sick? Geez, hope she doesn't live far away from you.

I tend to take a middle road between parenting styles. I don't hover but am always there or close by.

Maybe just use "actually I'd prefer it if ....." or "how about we all go" for things like the scooter. And have sleepovers at your place until your DS is older and you feel more comfortable with things.

[Buttercup80]

Thanks for the replies. I actually did try and say DS would prefer to be in the back yard but my brother said 'no its ok DS6 will take care of him in the front', I didn't push it and probably should of but my brother can get quite angry quite quickly if it seems I'm questioning a safety issue even if I pose it as an issue I have with DS. I think I will need to take a stronger stance though because I truly do want all the kids to play together but its difficult if I don't say anything and just wander outside to be with DS will he and my SIL stay inside.

I don't think I hover but if the kids are outside then I want to be outside (even just having a cuppa and take in the sun).

' She left her 10 month old home alone sick? Geez, hope she doesn't live far away from you. ' ~ Less then 10 minutes but it still freaked me out

[Mum2EandR]

I think you will need to be a bit more forceful with your bro then..... Just say "I'm sure DS would be fine with his cousin, but I really don't feel comfortable with him being near the road".
I think your brother and SIL have a responsibility to accommodate your parenting style when on playdates.

Like I mentioned before DH and I are pretty free range. However it makes waaay more sense for us to 'curtail' our kids activities when on playdates, than to expect other parents to miraculously become free range

I think if you keep it respectful and make sure you word it in a way that doesn't put down their parenting choices, it should be fine (like "I don't feel comfortable......" instead of "I would never let DS......" etc)

[baby4us]

I have some friends like this, i just say "oh you know me i am a nervous nellie and wont / cant let xxx do that". That way its like its all about me and my issue and nothing to do with their parenting style, and i find its quite light hearted too.

[Caviar]

I'm a free range parent. My DH is a Nervous Nellie. It's an interesting mix
Parenting styles vary but there's a difference between parenting and child endangerment. And if something like this happened in my circle:

my SIL was supposed to come along with her (then) 10 month old but she turned up without her and when I asked her at the door where my neice was she said that she had a temperature so she'd quickly left her at home and just wanted to give me some money for tupperware then was on her way home again!

I would be having a chat with your brother and airing my concerns for all to hear. Leaving a child at home alone, especially that age, is just not on. Ever.

And if what you say is correct, then she really needs to know this. Someone's got to speak for the child.

[OJandMe]

Parenting styles are interesting things to navigate...

I think we're the ones who are a bit like your brother, more free range. But every child is different and every family is different. My family says to me "I'm not going to let Nathan ride with Oliver and Jordan, because his road safety isn't as developed as theirs." (Because I DO let Oliver and Jordan go for bike rides along our local streets within their pre-negotiated 'bike boundaries') and so usually, the kids decide to do something different that their cousins can do as well.

I don't let them supervise their brothers though... that's an adults job. I do expect them to be responsible for THEMSELVES within their negotiated risk level, and each of them has a different level I allow... But I am the one responsible for supervising.

eg: I have no problem with them riding scooters down the slippery dip... but I would not let them do it without me being within eyesight in case of an accident. And Gabriel, Julian and Lysander would not be allowed... although I'd be happy for Julian and Gabriel to put a mattress next to the trampoline and jump off... but not for Lysander, but I'd be happy for Lysander to try and climb in and out of the hammock...